Wanting what you have

Song of the day: Cat Power's "I Found A Reason"

It's always been a struggle for me, to be content with the life I have now. I always look forward to backward. I am naturally drawn to desire the past or anticipate the future. I have to make a concerted effort to try and appreciate what is in my life in the present. I suppose it might be because I was raised to always strive forward. I remember getting perfect grades all throughout elementary and middle school, and my parents never really paused to celebrate those A's. They quickly told us, "Good job...", only to be followed by, "...but how are you going to get a better A next time?" Life was all about what school we were going to get into next, which would lead to what college we would end up at. Of course, that would determine what kind of job, lifestyle, spouse, etc. we'd end up with.

That kind of thinking has bled into my adult life. I have to admit that I've grown a lot in this area. I used to be all about my past. Slowly, I've grown to be in the moment a lot more. Yet, I've come to realize that I do look for more in other areas. I look at my marriage, my husband, my family, etc. and wish that I could change certain things. I wish that there was more romance in my marriage. I wish that Nathan would woo me the way he used to when we were dating. I wish that things didn't get so comfortable between couples because that's usually the reason the romance starts dying. I wish Nathan would eat healthier. I wish I was healthier, the way I used to be. I wish my parents would see me for who I am now--ironic, I know--because I have matured greatly since high school, yet they treat me as if I'm still that irresponsible, self-absorbed teenager they once knew. I wish my sister had a closer relationship with Kaia. I wish I could see my sister all the time, like I was able to do most of my life since we lived with each other or lived very close by. I wish we could all go back to corded phones [and landlines being the primary form of communication]. There are just so many things I look back on with nostalgia...so many things I wish would never change. Yet, life goes on.

This is where the growth part comes in. Nathan is on a business trip until Wednesday. We got to spend most of the weekend with him in Anaheim, but we had to drive back down to San Diego today since Kaia has been traveling too much lately. With Kaia falling asleep in the backseat, I drove for a little over an hour alone. It was the first time in several years that I've driven a long distance without Nathan by my side. It made realize just how much I love him and how blessed I am to have him in my life.

Kaia is very blessed to have a daddy that is present. He doesn't do everything perfectly, but he is always willing to try and do better. He's never refused to work on things. He is the first to admit his wrongs and offer up possible solutions. It drives me nuts at times since he's so systematic and logical. Then, I think about it and God knew that I needed someone like him because I am so irrational and emotional at times. I need someone that is black and white to balance out my crazy. Hehe~ Honestly, I don't know how I would do all of this without him by my side.

During the day, while Nathan was at his first session of the SolidWorks convention, Kaia and I decided to go to the hotel pool. We had so much fun, and she was loving being in the pool for the first time. She was kicking and splashing water all over the place. Endless giggles and smiles. I had the best time and couldn't get enough of watching her enjoying it so much. At the same time, I kept thinking about how much Nathan would love to see all that I was seeing. I also thought about how much every event, big and small alike, is that much more rich and colorful if he's there going through it, too. It just holds that much more meaning if he's experiencing it with me.

Lately, I've been watching a reality show on MTV called "Teen Moms". Just watching some of the baby daddies not stepping up, and some outright disrespecting the mommy, makes me that much more grateful for what I have...what God has blessed me with. I have a supportive, loving, appreciative husband that does what he can to help me and make me smile and grow. That is definitely not something that is a given. He is a rare breed. He gives me so much room to be me, yet knows when to swoop in to save me from myself. He celebrates my quirks and spirit. He calls me out when I act unbecomingly and dishonoring to God. He never ceases to want me. It doesn't matter how much I weigh, what I look like, or what I'm wearing. He wants me because he loves me wholly. He doesn't just love certain aspects of me. He loves all of me. That is something that I've never really had with anyone. I'm always a disappointment or a work in progress. Nathan loves me for the person that I am now.

Yes, I still have days when I just want to live someone else's life. Nothing seems right. Everything gets to me. I need to escape. Nonetheless, I'm learning with each day that I have so much right now. God can take it away from me any day, and He would be entirely righteous in doing so, which reminds me that I need to see what I truly have. We all do. I think most people lead lives that are filled with discontentment, complaint, bitterness, and regrets. Sadly, living life that way only leads to more negativity. You reap what you sow. That is why I'm trying to lead a life that exemplifies a heart of gratitude.

There's just so much to be grateful for if you just take the time to look around you once every now and then...

"Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married..."

Song of the day: Ne-Yo's "Never Knew I Needed"

What a weekend! It was Wendy and Rich's wedding in San Jose this past Saturday. We were planning on driving up on Wednesday night so that we could spend the entire day Thursday with my parents. Unfortunately, we were hit with the worst storm in California in a decade. We had to wait until the next morning to drive up instead. I felt as if everything was already going wrong, not according to plan, and that the entire wedding weekend was probably doomed for failure. Oh, how little faith I have...

It ended up being one of the best times I've had in a really long time. It was full of laughter, special moments, hugs, tears, celebrating, and love. Wendy was seriously the most gorgeous and stunning bride I've ever laid my eyes on. I couldn't believe that I was staring at my girl as a bride. Her wedding was full of strangers that I've never met before but have heard of many times in the past. I made new friends and got to learn more about the man Wendy's married to.

To be honest, I was a bit skeptical about Rich when I first met him. He seemed so different from what I envisioned for Wendy. He seemed a bit too rough around the edges. He seemed too intense. I did know that he took great care of Wendy, and that he made her happy. So, I tried to look past my own judgments and be open to him. Little did I know that I was only seeing one side of him. Hearing stories from his coworkers, ex-coworkers, ex-classmates, childhood friends, etc. this past weekend made me see that there is truly so much more to this guy than I had believed. Even as I followed them around as the photographer made them pose for couple shots outside the hotel, I saw how he looked at her, how he tenderly kissed her on her forehead and lips even at times when it wasn't prompted. He looked at her as if she were the most amazing person that he couldn't lift his gaze from. It melted my heart. Even as they exchanged their vows, he broke down in tears. Any guy that takes those vows to heart that much can't be half bad. I truly saw this softer side to him through their wedding. I am so grateful to God for the opportunity to serve Wendy as her bridesmaid, and to get to know Rich more from her eyes.

Wendy and Rich's wedding had many tender and fun moments...so many memorable ones. One of the most memorable moments has to be when the DJ played the last song of the night, "What a Wonderful World", and the remaining people came together in a circle with Rich and Wendy, everyone's arms embracing the ones next to them, and we rocked back and forth as the song played. As it was winding down, we all huddled closer and closer and sang the last line out loud..."And I think to myself, what a wonderful world..." Then, various people yelled out "Congratulations!" and "I love you". We all started hugging each other before we dispersed to grab the shoes that we had all torn off our tortured feet and thrown into a pile an hour before. There were moments when I looked over at Wendy dancing, making sure she was enjoying herself, and couldn't help but smile at her as our eyes met every now and then. It made me realize that much more how much I love this girl. She is truly more of a sister to me than just a dear friend.

Congratulations, Wendy and Rich Woo-Lin. I am so grateful to have been a part of all the festivities, love, and wonder of your big day. It was absolutely magical and God-filled. I sensed His hand over you guys and everything that happened that day...it was a blessing to be a witness to, and I had first row seats. I love you guys~! See you soon.

What is a friend?

Song of the day: Justin Bieber's "One Less Lonely Girl"

That's what I've been asking myself for quite some time now, especially as a new year has made its way in.

When I was a little girl, a friend was anyone that would share their snacks and play with me. As I got a little older, a friend was someone who would not like everyone I didn't like, include me in everything, and write me letters back and forth with B.F.4.L. (Best Friends 4 Life). In high school, a friend was someone who would keep my secrets, share my interests, tell me that I was way too good for all the guys that broke my heart, and be a shoulder to cry on, to go through all the drama with...

Now, as an adult, a mother and wife nonetheless, a friend is someone that will let me into their lives and heart. Someone that will share their fears, hopes, and struggles with me. Someone that will tell me like it is when I'm in need of a good dose of tough love. I need friends, sisters really, that are positive and live with passion.

I got to hang out with Britny, a wonderful sister who just gave birth to a sweet little boy recently, and she has constantly told me that friends, true friends, should be able to inconvenience each other. I never thought of it that way. I guess I've never really heard that before. I grew up with traditional Korean parents that felt that you always needed to act in a way that wouldn't burden others in your life. That's probably why not many first generation Koreans have true friendships. So many are filled with gossip, slander, betrayal, superficiality, etc. Britny's way of thinking about friendships has made me change my perspective drastically. I'm not saying I'm going to change overnight. I'm sure it'll be a slow process, but I'm so grateful that God has given me a sister like her to open my eyes to what it truly means to be friends, to love someone.

I think about it and when our family members need something, there's no hesitation to serve them and be there for them. It doesn't feel like a burden and it's something that I genuinely desire to do. On the other hand, most people we call friends, when they need something from us it isn't as easy to be so naturally sacrificial and gracious. It shouldn't be that way. We should be able to go to each other for help, aide, and community. That is something I've been craving for quite some time now, but haven't done much to cultivate.

I told God, myself, and Nathan that in 2010 I am going to be more of a doer, not merely a hearer. I want to mean what I say and say what I mean. I want to reach out to others more. I want to make myself available to others more, to be more accessible and approachable. I want to give more than I receive. I want to serve others in whatever way I can with the right heart. There is so much I want. All of them have to do with others. I need others in my life. I've been trying to get by on my own, on our little Choy residence island, and it's tearing away at me. I need to change not just for myself but for Kaia. She soaks up everything lately. She mimics me all the time. It scares me because if I'm not joyful about life, every day that God blesses us with, she will grow up with that as her example of what a wife, mother, and believer in Christ looks like. That is not what I want.

My heart desires gratitude. I have been truly grateful for so much in my life, especially after coming to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, but there is so much more room for me to grow in that. There is so much that I need to be grateful for. I honestly believe that if you fill yourself with a heart of gratitude there will be no room for discontentment and depression. Yes, there will be days when there's a dark cloud over your head. There may even be times in your life when you'll mourn and be very confused, but there will always be this bright light shining through all that, the hope that God provides us.

So yes, I pray for sweet friendships with fellow sisters...but more so, I pray that my heart would overflow with gratitude...

Exiting the twenties

Song of the day: Jay-Z & Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind"

My husband, Nathan, is turning the big 3-0 tomorrow. He is no longer in his twenties. He is making his way out, entering the world of backaches, fatigue, excuses not to do something active...oh wait, he's been that way for years. Hehe~ Well, all jokes aside, I can't believe that I met him when I was 21, he was 22. We were little kids back then. I remember thinking I was a true adult when I turned legal...boy, was I wrong. 8-9 years later, we are turning the corner in life and really realizing what it means to live thoughtfully.

I look back on the past four years Nathan and I have been married and we've done some really thoughtless and selfish things. When we used to live in our old apartment, we used to literally sit down in front of the t.v. and watch endless crime shows because we only had 3-4 channels. We traveled whenever we felt like it, which probably wasn't the wisest financially. We didn't serve others very much. We were in our own little bubble. Most of it was probably my refusal to step outside of myself combined with Nathan's tendency to go-with-the-flow.

I look at us, especially him, now...it's amazing. Yes, he still has a far way to go--we all do--but he has stepped up in so many ways. There used to be times when he would just let me do whatever I wanted because he didn't want to or didn't know how to deal with me. Now, he doesn't let me get away with much. He calls me out constantly and challenges me greatly. I may not receive it with open arms initially, but he makes me think and rethink my actions and heart. I truly am grateful that God has blessed me with a husband that seeks my spiritual well-being...someone that sharpens me. I need that. I may not always want it, but I definitely need it.

Looking back on all that we've gone through since we first met, which is coming on almost a decade now, I am so proud to say that Nathan is my best friend, husband, biggest fan, greatest "coach", and playmate. I can't wait to see how much more God will work in him, and how much He will use him to push me, in this coming decade of life.

Happy day of birth, my lovely husband. I pray that this year would bring you much joy, growth, and peace of mind...I know it's been a really rough year for us in many ways but we got through it, and I believe that we're stronger as a couple and family because of it. Thank you...my love. May we celebrate each other not only on our birthdays but every day that God allows us. What a journey it has been. I got my seatbelt on, ready for the ride ahead.

2010!

Song of the day: John Mayer's "Who Says"

That's what Nathan and I have been chanting lately. Anytime we make a good decision, such as choosing to eat some chicken with veggies instead of ordering a pizza, we say, "2010!" We want to make small and big changes this year. It's not about making resolutions but jump starting things that we've been meaning to do for much too long.

For me, I feel as though I've let a lot of life pass me by because I'm afraid of what others think. I want to experience life this year. I don't want to just sit around saying that I would love to try this and that. I want to just get up and do it. I want to be more intimate with my loved ones. I want to be able to know the changes they're going through. I was just thinking the other day, it's odd how when you're growing up as kids you always know everything about your best friends, such as their favorite color, food, drink, t.v. show, song, movie, etc. As you get older, and your friends move to different parts of the country [and world] you stop caring to find out those things. Maybe it's not that you stop caring, so much as it's not readily available to you anymore and you don't think to ask. That's the case for me. I want to always desire to learn about my loved ones. If anything were to happen to any of them, I want to be able to tell others what their current likes and dislikes were. I want to be able to say that I truly knew them, every little detail.

Another big thing that I've been wanting to do is start using the sewing machine that Nathan got me a month or so ago. All my life, I've admired others that handmade things (i.e. pillowcases, dolls, blankets, wallets, etc.). Now that I have Kaia, there are SO many things that I want to make for her. I want to make her little pillowcase dresses. I want to sew together a quilt with some of her clothes. I want to make her some durable bibs since she goes through them so quickly, and there aren't any out there that we've come across that truly keeps her dry. I want to be able to mend all the clothes that Nathan tears through. It's odd how he manages to tear his clothing in ways that baffle me. One time, he came home with this huge, raggedy tear in his Aloha shirt. All that could come out of my mouth was, "What do you do at work?! Wrestle a tiger or something???" So yes, it'd be nice to be able to salvage the endless pile of damaged clothing sitting in our closet. I'm sure I'll fail horribly at first, but I'm prepared for that. I want to learn how to be more resourceful for my family. I want to be able to repair clothing instead of buying new ones. I want to be able to make things for Kaia instead of always having to purchase them from others. I want to be eventually be able to make things that are nice enough to sell to others so I could help out with the financial load. I'm excited to fail and grow.

Another huge hope is that I would grow in my desire and love for God. I want to actively take steps in pursuing Him. Since Kaia is waking up a little later nowadays, I'm hoping to wake up the time she used to wake me up to spend time with the Lord before the day truly begins. I want to be able to give Him my best instead of the leftovers. I want to be a student of His Word again. I want to be walking in the Spirit instead of allowing my sinful flesh to take over. I've been praying for the desire to spend time with Him for quite some time now. I feel as though He's slowly chipping away at me and giving me the room to see that I am making my way back. That is extremely exciting. I need Him now more than ever as I tackle the task of being a mom to Kaia. It is a daily battlefield I'm entering. Haha~

Well, 2009, it's been great. I've learned so much and have received so many blessings. Thank you for everything...see you! 2010, come on in! I've been waiting for you. Let's get this started! It's going to be a great one...lots of lessons learned, I'm sure.

What used to be...

Song of the day: Rihanna's "Hard"

I don't even remember when the last time I blogged was. Months just flew by without even as much as a notice. Lately, and for some time now, I feel as though I'm running on empty most days. I go from one thing to the next, only to be met with exhaustion at the end of the day.

Even in this moment, I'm taking a little break after having had a very busy morning with Kaia, trying to keep her up until noon so that I could feed her lunch and put her down for one nice long nap. Right when I put her down, I started a load of laundry and ran back upstairs to put away all the clean laundry that has been piling up in our baskets. I just finished a good chunk of it when I heard Kaia crying. ALREADY?!?! I put her down around 12:15 p.m., which means that she should sleep for a good 2-3 hours. She was already crying by 1:21 p.m. NO~~~~!!!! Thankfully, she fell back asleep after a few unnerving minutes of yelling and crying out for me. I probably only have a handful of minutes before she fully wakes herself up.

Life has been beautiful chaos for the past couple of months. Our biggest feat was traveling with a fully walking and active toddler to Hawaii for nearly two weeks. It's hard to keep anyone seated for 5 hours each way on a plane, but it's even more impossible when it is a curious, active, strong-willed munchkin we're dealing with. We made it. Everyone survived in one piece. Kaia had tons of fun in Hawaii, exploring all the new sights, people, and food. She especially loved the beach. At first she was apprehensive about the water coming in and out, but within a few minutes she was splashing, walking back and forth, touching the small waves with her hands, running some water through her hair, and playing with wet sand. She's definitely Daddy's little island girl.

As for me, it's been a difficult journey. Motherhood has taken on greater responsibilities. Before, I had to make sure that she was fed well and safe. Now, I have to make sure that I am disciplining her, being consistent, being gracious while standing firm, training her up to control her strong-willed heart, and finding enough things to stimulate, entertain, and teach her. She wants to get into everything lately. She eats whatever she can get her hands on. She doesn't just walk anymore; she runs. She ignores my requests, making me repeat myself constantly. She believes she can do most things on her own. My own mother-in-law, who is a child development expert, said that Kaia is the 10% of children that has a fiery temperament. That just means I have more work on my hands.

Honestly, I love being Kaia's mom. There are days when I wish that someone else could wake up and take care of her so I could sleep in a little, but most days I can't wait to see her face and hold her. She's definitely not an easy-going child. She is very much her own person and makes sure that we all are aware of that fact. Even though I do absolutely enjoy her and being a mom, I have to admit that I miss certain things about life before her:

Being able to take baths. I used to take one almost every week before I was pregnant with her. I haven't taken even one bath since we found out we were having her.

Going out and running errands quickly. Now, I have to strap her into her carseat, go to wherever I need to go, take her out, put her in her stroller or a cart, make sure she doesn't grab anything or hurt herself while I'm trying to get things done or talk to someone, then put her back into the carseat to go home. Before, it was just grab the keys, get into the car, go to the bank, deposit the check, get back in the car, go back home.

Eating at a normal human's pace. I'm always feeding her while trying to shove in quick bites before she needs her next bite. I don't remember the last meal when I just got to sit and be undistracted.

Having the energy to take care of myself. I used to wear make up most days and dress somewhat decent during the week. Now, the only days I actually get dolled up is when it's a special occasion (anniversaries, birthdays, going to church, etc.). It's usually my long-sleeved tees, stretchy pants and slip-on sneakers.

There's a few more things that I miss but I think I hear Kaia waking up again.

I guess that's the price of motherhood. You really have to learn to die to yourself even more than you ever thought. Christ commands for us to die to ourselves...but I never fully got what that meant until I had a baby. Her needs comes before my own. Her wants comes before my own. Even as she was taking a nap, and as I was blogging, I was thinking about what to make for her snack when she gets up and her dinner tonight. Well, the little one beckons. Her cries are becoming increasingly more earnest. I suppose I'll have to come back to my thoughts another time.

The best weekend ever

Song of the day: Ben E. King's "Stand By Me"
(This song just makes me want to go to the beach, hold my Cutie's hand and stroll along the water while watching all of God's beautiful creation around us.)

What a weekend! Nathan proposed to me on the Labor Day weekend five years ago. I can't believe it's already been that long. This particular Labor Day weekend was no less eventful.

It began a bit on the rough side, an argument between the Mister and I, about me wanting to hike and him hardly ever being willing to wake up early on a weekend to do so. On the trail, I was huffing and puffing from upset and emotion toward him but by the end of the hike a lot of that was put at ease. God allowed for us to reconcile and make the most of the rest of the day. On Saturday, we had Wendy over for most of the afternoon and early evening. It was so much fun, just relaxing and spending time with my girl. Sunday, we went to church, which was great, and got to go out to lunch with good friends. At night, I got to hang out with another dear friend and have some girl talk. Last of all, yesterday, we drove around various beaches and walked up and down the coast with Kaia napping against me in the baby carrier. At the end of the day, we got some frozen yogurt, parked at the beach, opened the back of our car and sat watching the sunset with our little girl. It was beautiful and peaceful. There were so many people still out, playing in the water, eating, sitting around a bonfire, etc. but it was still really serene. Kaia really enjoyed watching all the different activities going on around her.

On top of all the wonderful things that we did, Nathan and I had so many deep conversations. There were things festering inside of me for quite some time and I finally got to get a lot of it out. We spent most of our evenings in bed, talking about what's going on in our hearts. There were tears shed, at least on my part, and tender hugs and words of encouragement.

Looking at my husband of almost four years now, I am realizing more and more that we think so differently. Something that seems a certain way to me doesn't even enter his mind. He says things in a certain way and I take it one way when it was truly not his intent at all for me to receive it that way. It's odd how the way we're brought up and the things we've gone through in our lives dictates the way we view things, even simple things, in a certain way.

Well, this long weekend was one of the best in quite a while. I loved everything about it. I love spending time with my husband and daughter. I love being out in nature with the sun beating down on us and the cool breeze against my skin and running through my hair. I love long talks about things that have happened and things that may in the years to come. I love laying in Nathan's arms and having nothing to really do except take it all in. I love sharing frozen yogurt with my favorite person. I love watching Kaia get excited looking around at new places, people, and experiencing new things. Our family needed a weekend like this. God is so gracious to have allowed for us to enjoy one another so thoroughly this weekend, and to have the opportunity to talk about things that are dwelling heavily on our hearts. To more moments like these...