2010!

Song of the day: John Mayer's "Who Says"

That's what Nathan and I have been chanting lately. Anytime we make a good decision, such as choosing to eat some chicken with veggies instead of ordering a pizza, we say, "2010!" We want to make small and big changes this year. It's not about making resolutions but jump starting things that we've been meaning to do for much too long.

For me, I feel as though I've let a lot of life pass me by because I'm afraid of what others think. I want to experience life this year. I don't want to just sit around saying that I would love to try this and that. I want to just get up and do it. I want to be more intimate with my loved ones. I want to be able to know the changes they're going through. I was just thinking the other day, it's odd how when you're growing up as kids you always know everything about your best friends, such as their favorite color, food, drink, t.v. show, song, movie, etc. As you get older, and your friends move to different parts of the country [and world] you stop caring to find out those things. Maybe it's not that you stop caring, so much as it's not readily available to you anymore and you don't think to ask. That's the case for me. I want to always desire to learn about my loved ones. If anything were to happen to any of them, I want to be able to tell others what their current likes and dislikes were. I want to be able to say that I truly knew them, every little detail.

Another big thing that I've been wanting to do is start using the sewing machine that Nathan got me a month or so ago. All my life, I've admired others that handmade things (i.e. pillowcases, dolls, blankets, wallets, etc.). Now that I have Kaia, there are SO many things that I want to make for her. I want to make her little pillowcase dresses. I want to sew together a quilt with some of her clothes. I want to make her some durable bibs since she goes through them so quickly, and there aren't any out there that we've come across that truly keeps her dry. I want to be able to mend all the clothes that Nathan tears through. It's odd how he manages to tear his clothing in ways that baffle me. One time, he came home with this huge, raggedy tear in his Aloha shirt. All that could come out of my mouth was, "What do you do at work?! Wrestle a tiger or something???" So yes, it'd be nice to be able to salvage the endless pile of damaged clothing sitting in our closet. I'm sure I'll fail horribly at first, but I'm prepared for that. I want to learn how to be more resourceful for my family. I want to be able to repair clothing instead of buying new ones. I want to be able to make things for Kaia instead of always having to purchase them from others. I want to be eventually be able to make things that are nice enough to sell to others so I could help out with the financial load. I'm excited to fail and grow.

Another huge hope is that I would grow in my desire and love for God. I want to actively take steps in pursuing Him. Since Kaia is waking up a little later nowadays, I'm hoping to wake up the time she used to wake me up to spend time with the Lord before the day truly begins. I want to be able to give Him my best instead of the leftovers. I want to be a student of His Word again. I want to be walking in the Spirit instead of allowing my sinful flesh to take over. I've been praying for the desire to spend time with Him for quite some time now. I feel as though He's slowly chipping away at me and giving me the room to see that I am making my way back. That is extremely exciting. I need Him now more than ever as I tackle the task of being a mom to Kaia. It is a daily battlefield I'm entering. Haha~

Well, 2009, it's been great. I've learned so much and have received so many blessings. Thank you for everything...see you! 2010, come on in! I've been waiting for you. Let's get this started! It's going to be a great one...lots of lessons learned, I'm sure.

What used to be...

Song of the day: Rihanna's "Hard"

I don't even remember when the last time I blogged was. Months just flew by without even as much as a notice. Lately, and for some time now, I feel as though I'm running on empty most days. I go from one thing to the next, only to be met with exhaustion at the end of the day.

Even in this moment, I'm taking a little break after having had a very busy morning with Kaia, trying to keep her up until noon so that I could feed her lunch and put her down for one nice long nap. Right when I put her down, I started a load of laundry and ran back upstairs to put away all the clean laundry that has been piling up in our baskets. I just finished a good chunk of it when I heard Kaia crying. ALREADY?!?! I put her down around 12:15 p.m., which means that she should sleep for a good 2-3 hours. She was already crying by 1:21 p.m. NO~~~~!!!! Thankfully, she fell back asleep after a few unnerving minutes of yelling and crying out for me. I probably only have a handful of minutes before she fully wakes herself up.

Life has been beautiful chaos for the past couple of months. Our biggest feat was traveling with a fully walking and active toddler to Hawaii for nearly two weeks. It's hard to keep anyone seated for 5 hours each way on a plane, but it's even more impossible when it is a curious, active, strong-willed munchkin we're dealing with. We made it. Everyone survived in one piece. Kaia had tons of fun in Hawaii, exploring all the new sights, people, and food. She especially loved the beach. At first she was apprehensive about the water coming in and out, but within a few minutes she was splashing, walking back and forth, touching the small waves with her hands, running some water through her hair, and playing with wet sand. She's definitely Daddy's little island girl.

As for me, it's been a difficult journey. Motherhood has taken on greater responsibilities. Before, I had to make sure that she was fed well and safe. Now, I have to make sure that I am disciplining her, being consistent, being gracious while standing firm, training her up to control her strong-willed heart, and finding enough things to stimulate, entertain, and teach her. She wants to get into everything lately. She eats whatever she can get her hands on. She doesn't just walk anymore; she runs. She ignores my requests, making me repeat myself constantly. She believes she can do most things on her own. My own mother-in-law, who is a child development expert, said that Kaia is the 10% of children that has a fiery temperament. That just means I have more work on my hands.

Honestly, I love being Kaia's mom. There are days when I wish that someone else could wake up and take care of her so I could sleep in a little, but most days I can't wait to see her face and hold her. She's definitely not an easy-going child. She is very much her own person and makes sure that we all are aware of that fact. Even though I do absolutely enjoy her and being a mom, I have to admit that I miss certain things about life before her:

Being able to take baths. I used to take one almost every week before I was pregnant with her. I haven't taken even one bath since we found out we were having her.

Going out and running errands quickly. Now, I have to strap her into her carseat, go to wherever I need to go, take her out, put her in her stroller or a cart, make sure she doesn't grab anything or hurt herself while I'm trying to get things done or talk to someone, then put her back into the carseat to go home. Before, it was just grab the keys, get into the car, go to the bank, deposit the check, get back in the car, go back home.

Eating at a normal human's pace. I'm always feeding her while trying to shove in quick bites before she needs her next bite. I don't remember the last meal when I just got to sit and be undistracted.

Having the energy to take care of myself. I used to wear make up most days and dress somewhat decent during the week. Now, the only days I actually get dolled up is when it's a special occasion (anniversaries, birthdays, going to church, etc.). It's usually my long-sleeved tees, stretchy pants and slip-on sneakers.

There's a few more things that I miss but I think I hear Kaia waking up again.

I guess that's the price of motherhood. You really have to learn to die to yourself even more than you ever thought. Christ commands for us to die to ourselves...but I never fully got what that meant until I had a baby. Her needs comes before my own. Her wants comes before my own. Even as she was taking a nap, and as I was blogging, I was thinking about what to make for her snack when she gets up and her dinner tonight. Well, the little one beckons. Her cries are becoming increasingly more earnest. I suppose I'll have to come back to my thoughts another time.

The best weekend ever

Song of the day: Ben E. King's "Stand By Me"
(This song just makes me want to go to the beach, hold my Cutie's hand and stroll along the water while watching all of God's beautiful creation around us.)

What a weekend! Nathan proposed to me on the Labor Day weekend five years ago. I can't believe it's already been that long. This particular Labor Day weekend was no less eventful.

It began a bit on the rough side, an argument between the Mister and I, about me wanting to hike and him hardly ever being willing to wake up early on a weekend to do so. On the trail, I was huffing and puffing from upset and emotion toward him but by the end of the hike a lot of that was put at ease. God allowed for us to reconcile and make the most of the rest of the day. On Saturday, we had Wendy over for most of the afternoon and early evening. It was so much fun, just relaxing and spending time with my girl. Sunday, we went to church, which was great, and got to go out to lunch with good friends. At night, I got to hang out with another dear friend and have some girl talk. Last of all, yesterday, we drove around various beaches and walked up and down the coast with Kaia napping against me in the baby carrier. At the end of the day, we got some frozen yogurt, parked at the beach, opened the back of our car and sat watching the sunset with our little girl. It was beautiful and peaceful. There were so many people still out, playing in the water, eating, sitting around a bonfire, etc. but it was still really serene. Kaia really enjoyed watching all the different activities going on around her.

On top of all the wonderful things that we did, Nathan and I had so many deep conversations. There were things festering inside of me for quite some time and I finally got to get a lot of it out. We spent most of our evenings in bed, talking about what's going on in our hearts. There were tears shed, at least on my part, and tender hugs and words of encouragement.

Looking at my husband of almost four years now, I am realizing more and more that we think so differently. Something that seems a certain way to me doesn't even enter his mind. He says things in a certain way and I take it one way when it was truly not his intent at all for me to receive it that way. It's odd how the way we're brought up and the things we've gone through in our lives dictates the way we view things, even simple things, in a certain way.

Well, this long weekend was one of the best in quite a while. I loved everything about it. I love spending time with my husband and daughter. I love being out in nature with the sun beating down on us and the cool breeze against my skin and running through my hair. I love long talks about things that have happened and things that may in the years to come. I love laying in Nathan's arms and having nothing to really do except take it all in. I love sharing frozen yogurt with my favorite person. I love watching Kaia get excited looking around at new places, people, and experiencing new things. Our family needed a weekend like this. God is so gracious to have allowed for us to enjoy one another so thoroughly this weekend, and to have the opportunity to talk about things that are dwelling heavily on our hearts. To more moments like these...

God created us equals

Song of the day: Miley Cyrus' "The Climb"

The Women's Crusade
By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF and SHERYL WuDUNN

This was an article my sister sent me a link to on the NY Times website. I couldn't stop reading through the seven pages. It captivated me. At first, it angered me, saddened me, broke my heart...then it gave me hope and joy...but still left me with a shattered heart, aching so badly...

Reading this article, as well as books and articles in the past, brings me to tears at just the thought of the treatment of girls/women all around the world. It's amazing how cruel people can be to their own. God made Adam and Eve as His perfect creations. God made man and woman different but equal, each one useful and worthy.

Reading about how in some parts of the world girls are viewed as almost a curse is hard for me to personally grasp. As a mom with a daughter myself, I cannot imagine viewing her as anything but a miracle and gift. I suppose I can't really understand the mindset that people in places like China might have where daughters are seen as useless and a burden...I just can't even imagine it. I remember when I finally got to meet Kaia after nine months of anticipation...absolutely amazing is all I can say. I sobbed with joy.

There is a section of the article that struck me the hardest:

"For those women who live, mistreatment is sometimes shockingly brutal. If you’re reading this article, the phrase “gender discrimination” might conjure thoughts of unequal pay, underfinanced sports teams or unwanted touching from a boss. In the developing world, meanwhile, millions of women and girls are actually enslaved. While a precise number is hard to pin down, the International Labor Organization, a U.N. agency, estimates that at any one time there are 12.3 million people engaged in forced labor of all kinds, including sexual servitude. In Asia alone about one million children working in the sex trade are held in conditions indistinguishable from slavery, according to a U.N. report. Girls and women are locked in brothels and beaten if they resist, fed just enough to be kept alive and often sedated with drugs — to pacify them and often to cultivate addiction."

"ABBAS BE, A BEAUTIFUL teenage girl in the Indian city of Hyderabad, has chocolate skin, black hair and gleaming white teeth — and a lovely smile, which made her all the more marketable.

Money was tight in her family, so when she was about 14 she arranged to take a job as a maid in the capital, New Delhi. Instead, she was locked up in a brothel, beaten with a cricket bat, gang-raped and told that she would have to cater to customers. Three days after she arrived, Abbas and all 70 girls in the brothel were made to gather round and watch as the pimps made an example of one teenage girl who had fought customers. The troublesome girl was stripped naked, hogtied, humiliated and mocked, beaten savagely and then stabbed in the stomach until she bled to death in front of Abbas and the others.

Abbas was never paid for her work. Any sign of dissatisfaction led to a beating or worse; two more times, she watched girls murdered by the brothel managers for resisting."

It tears away at my insides to read things such as this...I want to hold Kaia tighter and praise God for allowing us to be living where we are. Whenever she's sleeping in my arms or I'm nursing her and she's peacefully against me, playing with my face or necklace, I look at her face and body and can't understand how any human being would or could view her or any other children in a sexual light. I look at her tiny hands, tiny feet, and soft body and tear up just thinking about the possibility of someone ever hurting her in any shape or form. I think about those children out there that never got to have a childhood. They were taken by or given away to sex traffickers that view them as sex slaves that will bring them profit...how can anyone?...I mean, they don't even know what sex is...how hardened can someone's heart be that they could do such things to anyone, let alone a child? It blinds me with anger and brings me to my knees in sorrow to think about those sweet, innocent children...even now, as I write this it brings me to tears...in many places in this world, even here in our country, this very second, many children are abused, used up, and eventually killed before they are even old enough to really have lived any kind of life...

I pray for those little souls. I pray that God would be with them. I pray that God would pour mercy and grace upon their lives. I pray that they may find freedom one day...that they would be able to be restored by God's love...that they would somehow be able to heal from the brutal wounds...

Oh Lord...please save them from the grossest examples of the absolute depravity of man...the nauseatingly grotesque reality of sin. Please, pour an overabundant amount of grace on their little lives...if You don't allow for them to escape their captors and abusers...please...somehow give them even moments of peace and joy knowing that this life is temporary...oh God...those poor darling children...my heart aches so much...help me to trust that even in such situations as this, I would trust that Your will is perfect...all I can do is pray for them...

I'm about to lose my mind!

Song of the day: The jingles on Kaia's toys
(It'll bring you to your knees, begging for mercy.)

Today, I woke up on the wrong side of bed or something. Kaia's just been fussing all day, especially during meal times, and whining about everything. Nothing seems to make her happy, which inevitably affects me. I wish there was a way to just take things in stride. I admire people who can do that. Even if the world around them is chaotic, they somehow tune it out and roll with it. I am not one of those people. I have never been. Especially now that I'm a mom, I am definitely less so. On days like this, when Kaia and I just can't seem to be on the same page about anything, I find myself physically and emotionally losing it.

Right now, I am watching Kaia playing with her new toys after an hour or so of struggling to get her to eat half of her lunch and I just can't seem to understand why human beings are so naturally inclined to disobey. Sigh~ On days like this I feel like such a failure of a mom. I don't know how women that have multiple children do it. I am in awe of them. I think my problem is that I don't let things go. I feel like I have to do everything myself. I put so much pressure on myself not to mess Kaia up that I think when things don't go according to plan I get flustered. Nathan always tells me that I need to be more flexible. I really do. At this rate, I'm going to have a stroke by the time I'm 40.

God's entrusted me to raise Kaia, which is why I feel even more pressure to do it right. At the same time, I have to trust that God sovereignty pertains to all His children, including Kaia, and His will for her life won't change because of something I do or don't do. I need to remind myself of that. Even looking at my life, my parents aren't believers and truly live by the world's standards, yet my sister and I both came to know Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. My parents instilled great morals and gave us a lot of love and guidance, but they didn't raise us up in God's truth, but God had already known that we would come to Him eventually. That's the only thing that brings me comfort and peace of mind despite my own madness.

Whew~ Deep breath, Ji Young...God is in control, not you...okay...I'm good...now, back to loving your little girl.

Without Him, what would I be?

Song of the day: Pink's "God Is A DJ"

It's such a scary thing to think about. On the most part, I detest reality t.v. The only reality I usually watch are the cooking/competition ones. Unfortunately, I see commercials for other reality shows that are filled with so much drama and absolute self-promotion. At times, I sit there cringing and thinking to myself, "These people are so completely unbelievable. I could never do that." Then, I sit around and think a bit harder about it and realize that I could and probably would be doing those things, maybe even worse, if I didn't have God in my life.

I know myself well enough to say that my life would not be the way it is if God's grace wasn't poured upon it. I would most likely be living for the external things. I would probably still be working out all the time, thinking that the way I look is the most important thing, investing money and time into whatever would help me achieve the image I wanted--going to tanning salons, getting my nails done, making sure I had the latest hairstyle, spending hours on end putting on my "face" before going out, shopping endlessly for clothes, etc.

Honestly, what stops most of us from doing whatever we want, whatever feels good in that moment? I know for myself, it's my love for and fear of the Lord. Without that, I would be partying every night, drinking myself into a stupor, dating around, acting carelessly and "livin' it up." There have been moments in my life where I felt I was missing out by being a Christian. I mean, nonbelievers seem to have so much fun. Do whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want. That's the life I was going toward before I came to know God. I remember taking pictures while I was intoxicated thinking how much fun I was having, or at least how much fun people probably thought I was having. I was living the life. I had tons of "friends", went to party after party, let my guard down, acted without any judgment...what do I have to show for it years later? Nothing except shame every time I think about those times. Are those "friends" still in my life? Maybe one or two that were already my friends before that time in my life, but the rest have all drifted away ever since I've stopped living that life. That empty life.

It's truly an empty existence to live for yourself, your wants and desires. It sounds great. To live for solely your own ambitions, wants and needs? There was a time when I was much more egocentric and self-absorbed. I still am since I'm a sinful human being, but it's not as consuming anymore. Back then, I got depressed so easily. There was always this heaviness that I couldn't shake, a dark cloud that seemed to loom over me no matter how much fun I was having on the outside. There was this fear that there was no real purpose to my life. Living solely to benefit oneself, to build ourselves up, to get a good job and make lots of money, it can only do so much for our souls. It's an empty pursuit. No matter how much money, power, fame, popularity, etc. you gain in this life, it's human nature to only want more. We think that once we reach a certain level in our life we'll be happy and content. Only God can bring that into our lives. This world and what it seems to promise is an illusion. What God promises and provides, now that is something that we cannot tangibly see but can bring us everlasting joy and peace.

I'm not saying that I'm always happy now that God is in my life. Of course I still have those days, even weeks and months, where I find myself feeling sorry for myself or questioning where my life is going. Yet, it isn't this empty pit that I'm staring into. I look to God, surrender all my anxieties, fears, and sorrow up to Him, which provides me with hope and joy in the midst of trials. Every time I feel down-trotted and blue, I pray for strength, wisdom and patience for Him to do His will in my life.

God is so good. He really is. I don't know where I would be, what kind of person I would be, what kind of life I would be leading, if I didn't have Him by my side. It's frightening to ponder. I know my own evil heart is capable of much damage and destruction. Thankfully, God chose to grasp me into His arms and allow me to pursue and desire the world that He has built for us. A life that is built upon your own beliefs is such a scary and unstable existence. I mean, I think about how much my morals, beliefs about life, and opinions on things have changed over the years. If I only had myself to rely on for "truth", I think my life would be in shambles.

God, thank you for loving me and allowing me to come to the knowledge of Jesus Christ. Thank you for saving me from myself. If you had not drawn me to Your saving grace when You did...who knows where I would be today...or if I would even be alive...Lord, You know what I've been through...and all that you saved me from...thank you...I can't say that enough.

Takes me way back

Song of the day: Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way"
(We heard it on our way home from our date night and sang our hearts out).

Tonight, Kathy watched Kaia after we put her down for the night while we drove to Anaheim to go to Disneyland. Nathan really wanted to watch the summer fireworks at the theme park, as well as our favorite Fantasmic. It felt a little odd going out without Kaia. It felt even more odd that we were out so late. We watched both shows, ate some cinnamon and sticky buns, checked out some Disney merchandise, walked around and talked...it was really nice. On the way home, all these old school songs were playing on the L.A. radio stations. I couldn't help myself. I had to belt them out at the top of my lungs. Of course while I was going all out, holding my water bottle as my mic and moving around in my seat as much as I could, Nathan silently kept his eyes on the road. It felt like when we were dating. We used to stay out quite late sometimes and when he would be driving me home I would be singing out loud to whatever was on the radio while he sat back and let me do my thing. It's funny how certain things never seem to change. So many other things have changed--the fact that we got married, had Kaia, moved into a home, aren't as active as we used to be--but I am still an aspiring singer (haha) and Nathan still doesn't enjoy drawing any attention to himself, even if it's just in a car with us two.

Being at Disneyland makes me nostalgic, aching for the days when life was so much more light and airy. I was looking around and there were so many young couples there. Most of them were in high school probably, or maybe early college. They seemed so full of life, hope and energy. I looked around at the other half of the people there, which consisted of overworked, overly tired, many overweight parents of young children. I wonder if that's what we are now. I want to be young at heart for as long as I live. I mean, I know there are things that you have to let go if you want to mature, especially if you become a parent, but there are other things that should remain. I want to always have a teachable heart, being open to learning new things. I think that's the problem as we get older. We become hardened and closed. We convince ourselves that certain things are just the way they are and there is no changing it, especially when it comes to our personality and preferences. I have to admit that I've become that way as well in many aspects of my life. When people try to give me constructive criticism, I immediately feel offended and defensive. I tend to have a "What you see is what you get. You can take it or leave it," kind of attitude nowadays. I don't want to be that way. I want to be young at heart.

So yes, I raise my glass to places like Disneyland that reminds you, even if just for a moment, that you are capable of letting your hair down a bit, enjoying yourself thoroughly and even acting a little silly. If we all kept a childlike heart about life I think this world would be a lot more positive. Somewhere along the journey of life, we become so jaded and bitter. We develop so many hang-ups. Nothing is simple anymore. That's what we need to go back to, simplicity. Kids are so honest, simple and receptive. I want to be that way again. Maybe tonight was the first baby step toward doing so...