Good cop. Bad cop.

Song of the day: Louis Armstrong's "What A Wonderful World"

I spend so much time taking care of my girls but they much rather cuddle and play with their daddy or grandma. To be honest, it makes me so sad. I know they're just being kids that can't really grasp how their actions and words affect other people...but it breaks my heart when I have to do all the hard stuff, disciplining them constantly, taking care of their basic needs, etc., and they see me as the one that doesn't allow them to do the things they want to do. They see me as the bad cop and the rest of the family as the good cop.

When will I get to be the good cop? I would love to be the one that says yes to everything. I would love to be the one to play with them until they started acting up, then leave the disciplining up to someone else. I don't know when it all became this way. Kaia and I used to have such a lovely bond. I had to discipline her here and there but she was quite well-mannered and sweet most of the time. This past month, she has been growing outrageously rebellious and completely careless about how her actions lead to consequences. Before, whenever she did something she knew was not the right thing to do, she would immediately apologize and give me a hug. There was genuine remorse, even if it was from a 2-3 year old. Lately, she only apologizes when she has been asked to multiple times, and when she does say sorry it is obviously from a heart that is far from being one of repentance. It kills me inside that she is going through what I'm hoping is a phase.

Part of me feels completely helpless about the whole thing. I know a lot of her acting out stems from the fact that she feels jealous of her little sister, Alana. I see it very evidently when anyone makes a big deal about something Alana has done. If they gush and love on her, Kaia instantly looks around and tries to find ways to get everyone's attention away from Alana and onto herself. Whenever I'm trying to record Alana doing something, like taking her first steps or dancing around, Kaia tries so hard to get in front of her to block my view of Alana. It upsets me so much because I want to give Alana at least a fraction of the attention that Kaia got...it's nearly impossible with Kaia acting the way she does when I do.

I don't know how other parents do it. I don't know how my own mom didn't lose it more often. She had to deal with so much more and had hardly any help from my dad when it came to raising us. These days, I just think about why God entrusted me with these two delicate, lovely souls. I am utterly sin-ridden and am so afraid of damaging them in any way. I'm afraid my own insecurities, fears, and shortcomings will greatly affect who they become, how they view themselves, and how they view the world. I really pray that God would finish the work He's started in me and allow for me to be of any positive influence on my girls. I pray...