I've waited my whole life...

Song of the day: Adele's "Make You Feel My Love"

...to hear those words.

I called my mom today because I needed to ask her about possibly meeting us in LA when we fly out to Southern California in February.

At first, the conversation started off down the same road it always does. She talks at me about various health related issues. Then, she asks me how I'm doing, which I usually respond to with a simple answer since going into anything might trigger her to criticize and go off on endless tangents. After getting exasperated by her rantings, I stop her and ask her how she's doing. That usually gets her going into all the ailments she has and how she's self-curing herself because she doesn't believe in Western medicine.

Oddly, after I asked her how she was doing things took a different turn from the usual. She started telling me about this Korean reality show she's been watching lately. It's about young children living in very dire circumstances with neglectful, abusive, or misinformed parents, and how that affects the child. I think it is hosted by a child's psychologist/childhood development specialist. After telling me a few of the disturbing cases, she told me that this show has made her so grateful that my sister and I turned out as well as we did. She also apologized for hurting me in any way by the way she treated me. She remembers me crying a lot whenever she told me I should lose weight. She said I was never fat, but there were times when I was gaining weight and she wanted to make sure that she was keeping me on track so that I wouldn't have to deal with a bigger gain down the line. It was out of love and concern. I didn't know that. I always believed that I was never good enough for my mom. I almost cried on the phone hearing her say all of this to me...she sounded so sincere and heartbroken for the past. I admitted that I used to feel so insecure and hated my body (and still do most days) because of how she treated me, but that I remember how loving she was and how hard she tried to make sure that we had opportunities to grow and learn. Unfortunately, my girls were up and Kaia kept vying for my attention so I had to cut the conversation shorter than I would have liked...but it was still the most meaningful conversation I've had with my mom. I've always dreamed of having a conversation like that...but honestly, I'd given up hope that she'd ever see the pain I went through for most of my life...miracles do happen.

Normally, even growing up, my mom wasn't much for divulging her emotions to us. She was mom and that was it. She took care of us. She made us soup and rubbed our tummies when we were sick. She packed our lunches every single day. She drove us to and from places. She taught us times tables, Korean, and how to cook. She gave us hugs and kisses. She did a lot, but telling us her innermost thoughts and feelings wasn't one of them. That is why this conversation meant so much to me. For the first time, maybe in my entire life, I heard her. I heard the woman behind the roles. I saw the heart of a woman with regrets, sadness, and openness to change.

I love her. I admire her. I grieve the life she leads now because I know she deserves much more. She worked so hard to take care of us, to give us the life she never got to have, and now she has no real close friends, no career, and both daughters far away from her...

I want so badly to live near her so that she can grow old with me. I want her to watch my girls grow up. I don't want her to feel that all the blood, sweat, and tears she put into raising us only led to her being alone in an empty house. Now that I'm a mother of two girls myself, I can feel an ounce of the pain she must have felt when my sister and I both chose paths that led us far away from her.

I love you, Um-mah...you taught me how to be a strong woman and loving mother. I look at my girls and wonder how you did it back then, and all the following years, pretty much on your own with no real help. I don't know how you managed to put yourself on the back burner for so many years without turning into a bitter, insane, and/or suicidal person. You don't even have God to anchor you like I do. There are so many days I break down in tears when the girls are down for their naps because it feels so overwhelming, this whole parenting thing, and I think of you and wonder if you cried as well when we weren't looking...probably...oh mom...my heart breaks and swells whenever I think about you and the sacrificial love you poured upon us our entire lives...I said it already but I love you...I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you for being my mom. Thank you for loving me so well and giving me everything, especially the things I didn't think I wanted back then but cherish now. You are in every look, furrowing of the brow, smile, explosive laughter, hug, kiss, tender touch, tear I shed because of my girls. You are in the fabric of who I have become...the good and the bad...I'm slowly starting to see that it's one in the same. We're one in the same.