What is marriage?

Song of the day: Katy Perry's "The One That Got Away"
(My sister turned me onto this song. The words, melody, and music video breaks my heart...)

I'm not sure. I know the cookie-cutter answer: It's a commitment you make to him/her and God that you will love them no matter what life may throw your way. You will work toward the same common goals and build a life together. You will long for no other and ride out all the downs that comes with the ups in life. You will eat, sleep, and dream together. Simply put, it's the union of two people to lead a life together as one...but it's not that simple.

In my head, I know what it all is supposed to mean. But, what does it really look like? I think about it plainly and marriage is essentially two strangers getting to know each other well enough to decide to move in together. To tell all your secrets and thoughts to. To share a bed, accounts, and most times raising kids together. What keeps us together though? What makes some decide to get a divorce while others go through similar struggles [or even worse] and somehow manage to remain together until the end? I don't really know fully. I think on the most part it's a decision you have to intentionally and prayerfully make every single moment of every single day. If you decide to check out even for a few moments, that can lead to allowing a little tear to be made in your bond that can lead to the ripping apart of the life you've made together.

Nathan and I are far from perfect. We both lack so much patience and grace with each other at times. This past year, with our living situation and all that we've both gone through [and are going through] there's been more room for misunderstandings, miscommunication, loneliness, bitterness, and disharmony. There have been times after a huge argument/discussion that thoughts ran through my mind that led me to grieve for what may become of our marriage down the line. I don't think I'll ever cheat. I don't think Nathan will ever cheat. That's not what keeps me up at night. I'm worried that down the line somewhere we'll be in a passionless marriage. Right now, we have passion. We have tons of laughter and joy. We enjoy being with each other and are best friends. I just don't want to see that fade as the years go by. I want it to get stronger. With limited time with him for the past year and a half and all the stress we both carry on our shoulders on any given day [and the lack of privacy] I just worry. His parents are always around so we hardly ever give each other random kisses like we used to. We don't cuddle on the couch. I know it seems like small things but it means so much to me. It's the small gestures that makes me feel safe and loved.

These thoughts have been on my mind for quite some time now. Marriage has taken a different turn since we've moved to Oahu...since we've had another child...since Nathan's worked harder at his job than all his past jobs combined together. It's just been incredibly humbling and sobering to see just how much we need God. I think without God in our lives we would easily fall into giving up on "us." At least for me, I think if we fought as much as we have this past year or so, I'd be convinced that I married the wrong guy. I would feel fully right to leave this relationship to make room for the man that would be better suited for me.

I look at Nathan and we are so different. Sometimes I wish he was Korean so we could speak to each other. I wish he was a good dancer so we could go dancing together. I wish he was into singing so he could take me to karaoke. I wish he was into health and fitness so he could motivate me instead of pulling me into his world of sugar, starches, and refined foods. I wish he would readily and joyfully change diapers, help with feedings, etc. I wish he would want to watch more thought-provoking movies instead of just action or animation films. I wish he would want to talk/get to know me constantly. I wish he would be more romantic regularly. I wish he was more gentle with me. I wish he didn't fart so much. There's so many things that I know would make my life easier if he was more like...me.

At the same time, I know God knew what He was doing when he fit us together. I have dated guys that have more of the things I "wish" for in Nathan. It usually led to a lot of drama and heartache. I think because Nathan isn't that emotional and into talking about deep things our arguments don't get as heated as it could probably get if I were with someone else. God knew. God knows. He will get us through the bumps and bruises, the ups and downs, the fall outs and cold wars. I'm confident that we'll come out stronger, more at one, and more in love with God for it. I pray for that. That's all I can say for now. I can't answer that question definitely because marriage is what is.