You can't escape who you truly are inside

Song of the day: 2NE1's "Ugly"
(I really feel this song, and it's gotten me on a Korean stint again.)

I'm learning that over and over again. Over the past 10-15 years, my life has drastically changed from the Korean culture obsessed one I led back in high school. I hardly ever speak Korean except a few words and phrases here and there when I talk with my parents on the phone. I never watch any Korean t.v. until just recently when I started watching some Korean reality t.v. on the web. I haven't gone to sing karaoke ever since I had Kaia. I married a Chinese guy. I live in Hawaii and am surrounded by Americanized people. There is no outlet for the Korean part of me come out or even exist.

I'm starting to feel that itch to be somewhat in that world. I miss acting silly and being able to joke with others in Korean. There's a different level of hilarity when it's done in a foreign language. I think that English is probably the most simple and straight-forward language. A lot of other foreign languages are very poetic, not so literal, and much more descriptive and beautiful. I've always thought that about the Korean language. Things are said with more care and possess a more delicate and thoughtful quality.

I know that I'll never be able to live the life I led before. I know that my husband will always be Chinese and will probably never know how to speak Korean enough to carry on a conversation of any length with me. I know that even if he knew the language, he would never understand why I like the things that I do about it. I miss bowing to elders that I meet. Now, it's all about handshakes. I'm going to miss hearing the familiar and comforting sounds of Korean words being spoken in the home. My daughters probably won't call me um-mah like I called my mom all my life. I always assumed that they would call me that. It wasn't something I had to even think about. Unfortunately, it hasn't turned out that way because of how similar it sounds to another word in Chinese. It breaks my heart every day.

Yes, I am a mom now. Yes, God placed me in this life with my lovely family for a far greater design and purpose than I am able to conjure up in my limited mind. Yes, I am older and should be less goofy and odd. At the same time, those things are what makes me truly me at the core. It is who I am. So odd to even say that because I have lost a lot of who I am over the past handful of years, and especially since I've moved here to Oahu. I have to really ask myself what my joys, beliefs, dreams, and passions are because it gets muddled in the chaos of the day-to-day.

Without anyone around me to exercise that part of myself, how am I going to be able to nurture that part? I don't know. That's what I'm thinking through lately. I don't want that part of me to completely fade away and die as the years go by. So much of it already has faded into darkness. I don't want to lose what's left. I guess my parents' influence really did have a great impact on my life and how I view it. Who would have thought that they'd be right? I guess they always knew.