Letting go...

Song of the day: Jason Mraz's "Make It Mine"

Today was Kaia's first day (orientation for the new students) of preschool at Calvary-be-the-Sea. The first day since her birth that I gave control over to someone else, someone I don't know hardly at all. Sigh~ It was the most difficult thing to do. I felt like crying but having Alana by my side made me remain strong. Nathan took the day off since it was his birthday AND Kaia's first partial day at preschool. There were only 2-3 other kids there. We walked her in, talked to all the teachers, and got her things in cubbies and such. She went off with the teacher and the other kids to get a tour of the place. I wanted to say bye but they were deep into the tour and I didn't want to disrupt it. So, we just left without saying our last "See you later."

I got in the car and was surprisingly keeping it together. I didn't even shed a tear...then, I looked back and saw Alana looking over at Kaia's empty carseat. She's so used to seeing her there since we go everywhere together, so I guess it was odd for her to look over at the other side of the backseat and not have two pairs of eyes staring back at her. Watching her look back and forth and all around, looking for her Unnie, made me start tearing up a little bit.

Thankfully, the day was only from 9:00-10:30 a.m. Nathan, Alana, and I went to the post office to pick up something from our PO Box. Then, we went to buy some snacks and treats at the market. After we were done shopping, we headed to the beach nearby to sit and eat a bite or two before we had to pick up Kaia. After only a few minutes enjoying the beautiful ocean waves and lovely day, we had to get back in the car and pick up Kaia.

Once we got to the school, Nathan told me to go inside first while he got Alana out. I excitedly opened the back gate to the playground/classroom area and saw all the kids already starting to get their shoes and things from their cubbies. I saw Kaia from far away, but she got one glimpse of me and started running with the biggest smile on her face. I wanted to melt right then and there. She flew into my arms and I hugged her tight enough to feel all of her but not so tight that I might crush her. We said our farewells to the teachers, as well as our words of gratitude. Then, we got into the car and drove to Ala Moana to meet Nathan's parents for some birthday dim sum.

It's hard, letting go. Letting go of my time with Kaia. Letting go of the control I have over everything that influences her. Letting go of the fact that I don't want her to ever grow up. Letting go of my baby. I don't think it'll ever get easy, letting the world have their way with them, but I'm trying to look at the good things that could come from this. I know that I'll appreciate Kaia more because I don't get to spend every waking moment with her. I think she'll appreciate our times together a little more as well. Also, she'll have so many friends to play with every day. She will get to learn so many new and fun things. She'll have stories to tell us when she gets home. I have to focus on those positives.

Baby steps...more for mommy than for baby.