Where to turn

Song of the day: Usher feat. Alicia Keys' "My Boo"
(I might have posted this as the song of the day years ago when it first came out, way before I got married, because I loved it...I heard it recently and it made me tear up because I miss the days when things were simple and sweet.)

I have no idea. Yes, we need to turn to God, but at this point we have no idea what He is trying to do through our situation. It has become so completely out of hand that we've almost thrown up our hands in defeat.

In the past, when hardships came my way God always opened up another door that may not have been my desire but was made clear that it was what He wanted me to go toward. Now, everything is so messed up that I have no idea how we are going to recover and move on...ever. It may sound overly dramatic to some, but being the person that has lived with her in-laws [with her two little ones] for a handful months shy of two years now, on top of paying a monthly mortgage for a house we can't afford and a renovation that doesn't seem like is physically or financially possible for us, that is what I feel.

I have never really had a huge problem sleeping at night but for the past few months since we decided to stop working on the house, I haven't been able to sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time. I wake up with aches and pains, so tense and filled with worry. I lay in bed for hours, looking into the darkness around me, and have all these thoughts and emotions racing through my mind.

We can't afford to lose money on this house that we've been working on for the past 10 months. Nathan's put all of his weekends and holidays from this past year into this house with not a whole lot to show for it. The inspection came back with minor problems but when we opened it up there were problems all the way down to the bone. We had to break down everything, which took so much time and labor. Then, we had to build just the foundational things, such as the sub floors and drywall. We finally started working on the bathrooms...but, Nathan was working on it primarily alone after his brother's fiance (girlfriend at the time) moved back to Oahu to be with him. He started to hit an emotional and mental wall, working by himself hour after hour on this over 2,000 square foot home. I can only imagine how lonely he must have felt all those countless hours.

If we did try and sell the place as it is right now, we might get what we paid for it, but after all the fees we would be in the negative. That would leave us in debt to Nathan's brother and parents for a very long time. We would have no money to put down on a new place, which would mean that we would have to live with Nathan's parents for another year or two [or however long it might take] to save up enough money for a down payment...once we had that discussion, I mentally broke. The light at the end of the tunnel that was getting me through most of this year, all of a sudden got blocked and made the entire tunnel pitch black again.

Ultimately, I trust God. I know that He is watching over us. I know that He is all sovereign and loves us...at the same time, I have never felt this completely alone. So many things have gone wrong, one right after another, for so long now that I just have come to assume that nothing will work out. I don't want to think that way. I don't want to feel that way. It's just so incredibly impossible for me to feel otherwise at this point in our journey.

To be honest, if it were just Nathan and myself, I think I could manage living in this situation for quite some time. I can control most of what I allow to influence me or not. Unfortunately, my two girls are involved and they are so pure and tender. They are getting spoiled left and right every single day for almost two years now. That has a great impact. I see it mostly in Kaia's attitude. I see it in her speech. From birth, I taught her about God and how to be well-mannered and kind. She was all of that and more. She was the most kind, compassionate, thoughtful little baby/girl for all of her life...until we moved here. Slowly, I saw her realize that she didn't have to listen to anyone because eventually someone would give her what she wanted. Grandparents spoiling their grandchildren when they're visiting once or twice a year is one thing. When it's every day, consistently, for over 1 1/2 years...it's absolutely devastating.

To me, as a mother that takes her role as the tender to my girls' souls, it is absolutely heartbreaking and infuriating. All the bad habits I intentionally abstained from doing around my children have become a habit of theirs now because of other family members I cannot control. Every meal isn't filled with peace and gratitude as it was before. It is chaotic, grandparents coming and going, saying hi and bye, making faces, flipping out at any and every little cute or funny thing they said or did...my patience has never been tested this greatly before in my entire life. I hold it in. I tell them calmly every now and then things that they shouldn't be allowing the children to do, etc., which they forget soon after. I vent to Nathan. None of it relieves me enough to allow me good rest every night. I stay up feeling so angry and upset that my children are being indirectly co-reared by my in-laws, a situation I would not want any involved mother to go through. I respect them as people and Nathan's parents, I really do. I just don't think they're ever going to really be able to understand that they need to turn the grandparent mode off once you are living with your grandchildren.

The sad thing is, before all of this, moving to Hawaii and living with Nathan's parents, I used to have a fairly healthy relationship with them. I used to be able to tell others that I had great in-laws that I could talk to and see myself growing closer to with time. Now, all I feel is entrapment. I'm sure they want us out more than we want out, but all I know is my side so that's what I'm writing about. To be honest, when we move out and find a place of our own [one day...] I think I'll be so deeply scarred that I won't really want to see them for a while. Just seeing them will probably trigger all the frustration, anger, bitterness, and annoyance I've felt for these past couple of years. It will be a reminder of this really dark time in my life.

Being severely ill with the flu--Kaia, myself, and Alana--for the past several days has fueled this feeling even more. I want to start living. I want to start our lives here...as a family of four. It breaks my heart that Alana has never known what it is to be just our family. She was born into this chaos. I constantly apologize to her. Most days, after her afternoon nap, I keep her with me in the room for a while longer after her feeding/changing because I know they're outside and they'll take over. I take those moments and try to savor it. Even though I know we're still living with them, there are instances during those one-on-one times that I dream that we're in our own place, freely bonding...

God...my heart is so hardened. Well, more than hardened, I am burning with rage. I am mad at all that has happened these past two years. I am about to explode with frustration at our living situation. I pray and read and pray some more. I try to find peace in my heart. I try to see the good in what is happening...but I'm so far gone at this point that all I feel is negative things. Please, soften my heart. Tame my heart, Father. Please...if you see fit, I pray that we would be able to start our lives as a family before Alana's formative years are passed. Forgive me for being filled with anxiety, anger, selfishness, and ill feelings lately. Free me of it...mend my broken heart, Lord.