All praise to Him...

Where to turn

2012-02-01T03:10:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Usher feat. Alicia Keys' "My Boo"
(I might have posted this as the song of the day years ago when it first came out, way before I got married, because I loved it...I heard it recently and it made me tear up because I miss the days when things were simple and sweet.)

I have no idea. Yes, we need to turn to God, but at this point we have no idea what He is trying to do through our situation. It has become so completely out of hand that we've almost thrown up our hands in defeat.

In the past, when hardships came my way God always opened up another door that may not have been my desire but was made clear that it was what He wanted me to go toward. Now, everything is so messed up that I have no idea how we are going to recover and move on...ever. It may sound overly dramatic to some, but being the person that has lived with her in-laws [with her two little ones] for a handful months shy of two years now, on top of paying a monthly mortgage for a house we can't afford and a renovation that doesn't seem like is physically or financially possible for us, that is what I feel.

I have never really had a huge problem sleeping at night but for the past few months since we decided to stop working on the house, I haven't been able to sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time. I wake up with aches and pains, so tense and filled with worry. I lay in bed for hours, looking into the darkness around me, and have all these thoughts and emotions racing through my mind.

We can't afford to lose money on this house that we've been working on for the past 10 months. Nathan's put all of his weekends and holidays from this past year into this house with not a whole lot to show for it. The inspection came back with minor problems but when we opened it up there were problems all the way down to the bone. We had to break down everything, which took so much time and labor. Then, we had to build just the foundational things, such as the sub floors and drywall. We finally started working on the bathrooms...but, Nathan was working on it primarily alone after his brother's fiance (girlfriend at the time) moved back to Oahu to be with him. He started to hit an emotional and mental wall, working by himself hour after hour on this over 2,000 square foot home. I can only imagine how lonely he must have felt all those countless hours.

If we did try and sell the place as it is right now, we might get what we paid for it, but after all the fees we would be in the negative. That would leave us in debt to Nathan's brother and parents for a very long time. We would have no money to put down on a new place, which would mean that we would have to live with Nathan's parents for another year or two [or however long it might take] to save up enough money for a down payment...once we had that discussion, I mentally broke. The light at the end of the tunnel that was getting me through most of this year, all of a sudden got blocked and made the entire tunnel pitch black again.

Ultimately, I trust God. I know that He is watching over us. I know that He is all sovereign and loves us...at the same time, I have never felt this completely alone. So many things have gone wrong, one right after another, for so long now that I just have come to assume that nothing will work out. I don't want to think that way. I don't want to feel that way. It's just so incredibly impossible for me to feel otherwise at this point in our journey.

To be honest, if it were just Nathan and myself, I think I could manage living in this situation for quite some time. I can control most of what I allow to influence me or not. Unfortunately, my two girls are involved and they are so pure and tender. They are getting spoiled left and right every single day for almost two years now. That has a great impact. I see it mostly in Kaia's attitude. I see it in her speech. From birth, I taught her about God and how to be well-mannered and kind. She was all of that and more. She was the most kind, compassionate, thoughtful little baby/girl for all of her life...until we moved here. Slowly, I saw her realize that she didn't have to listen to anyone because eventually someone would give her what she wanted. Grandparents spoiling their grandchildren when they're visiting once or twice a year is one thing. When it's every day, consistently, for over 1 1/2 years...it's absolutely devastating.

To me, as a mother that takes her role as the tender to my girls' souls, it is absolutely heartbreaking and infuriating. All the bad habits I intentionally abstained from doing around my children have become a habit of theirs now because of other family members I cannot control. Every meal isn't filled with peace and gratitude as it was before. It is chaotic, grandparents coming and going, saying hi and bye, making faces, flipping out at any and every little cute or funny thing they said or did...my patience has never been tested this greatly before in my entire life. I hold it in. I tell them calmly every now and then things that they shouldn't be allowing the children to do, etc., which they forget soon after. I vent to Nathan. None of it relieves me enough to allow me good rest every night. I stay up feeling so angry and upset that my children are being indirectly co-reared by my in-laws, a situation I would not want any involved mother to go through. I respect them as people and Nathan's parents, I really do. I just don't think they're ever going to really be able to understand that they need to turn the grandparent mode off once you are living with your grandchildren.

The sad thing is, before all of this, moving to Hawaii and living with Nathan's parents, I used to have a fairly healthy relationship with them. I used to be able to tell others that I had great in-laws that I could talk to and see myself growing closer to with time. Now, all I feel is entrapment. I'm sure they want us out more than we want out, but all I know is my side so that's what I'm writing about. To be honest, when we move out and find a place of our own [one day...] I think I'll be so deeply scarred that I won't really want to see them for a while. Just seeing them will probably trigger all the frustration, anger, bitterness, and annoyance I've felt for these past couple of years. It will be a reminder of this really dark time in my life.

Being severely ill with the flu--Kaia, myself, and Alana--for the past several days has fueled this feeling even more. I want to start living. I want to start our lives here...as a family of four. It breaks my heart that Alana has never known what it is to be just our family. She was born into this chaos. I constantly apologize to her. Most days, after her afternoon nap, I keep her with me in the room for a while longer after her feeding/changing because I know they're outside and they'll take over. I take those moments and try to savor it. Even though I know we're still living with them, there are instances during those one-on-one times that I dream that we're in our own place, freely bonding...

God...my heart is so hardened. Well, more than hardened, I am burning with rage. I am mad at all that has happened these past two years. I am about to explode with frustration at our living situation. I pray and read and pray some more. I try to find peace in my heart. I try to see the good in what is happening...but I'm so far gone at this point that all I feel is negative things. Please, soften my heart. Tame my heart, Father. Please...if you see fit, I pray that we would be able to start our lives as a family before Alana's formative years are passed. Forgive me for being filled with anxiety, anger, selfishness, and ill feelings lately. Free me of it...mend my broken heart, Lord.

Why? WhY?! WHY?!?!?!?!!!!

2012-01-23T17:13:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Big Bang's "Lies"
(I am so into this Korean group right now. I remember hearing so much about them in passing ever since they first came out years ago, but I thought, "What kind of name is Big Bang?", so I never even gave them a shot. I was missing out.)

"Why?" is the question. Why is it that no matter how tired Kaia is, she decides to play around in bed for hours on end? Why is it that Alana JUST woke up when Kaia FINALLY fell asleep??? Why? This is why I never can get anything done around the house. I am always trying to get one or the other to sleep. After one or two hours of trying to get Kaia to sleep because we have a long night ahead of us tonight, she finally fell asleep..and literally, the second she turned her body and fell limp, I saw Alana shuffling awake in her crib [on the monitor that we have]. I just thought, "Seriously?!?"

So yes, right now I am sitting on the couch watching Alana pulling and throwing down all her blankets in her crib through the monitor. I'm wondering if I should sit here and get the few minutes of rest I was planning to get before tonight, or if I should go in and get her out so she isn't bored by herself in there. Sigh~

To be honest, I love being a mother to Kaia and Alana. They bring me so much joy and delight. I want to eat them up because they are so incredibly endearing and lovable. At the same time, they're kids. They're a handful. They are very demanding. They use and abuse me all day long, which is a given with kids. All they know how to do is take, take, take. That's what they should be doing at this age. I know this. That's why whenever Nathan even mentions having another one I have to stop whatever I'm doing and take a moment to close my eyes and collect myself.

Yes, I would love more...one day. I want to give Nathan a son. I'm not sure if we'll ever have a son (we might just have girl after girl after girl) but I want to be able to give him that hope for one. In the same breath, I don't really know if I have it in me to have another one any time soon. I just got Kaia off to preschool, which allows me so much alone time with Alana that I never had before. It also gives me time to take care of a few chores around the house since watching Alana isn't impossible like it is when Kaia and Alana are together. I'm always playing referee or on edge about them doing something dangerous. Finally, I have all morning to relax and enjoy being with Alana. I'm a better mom for it. Not seeing Kaia all morning makes me miss her greatly, which usually leads to me being much more gracious and patient with her when she does act up. I'm not always on edge anymore. I know it's selfish but I want to stay in this spot for a while. I want to slowly regain some of my freedom back. I want to be able to leave the house for a few hours to spend with friends or by myself without feeling completely guilty or heartbroken. I can't do that if I have another newborn around. I just know I can't. I never let myself that inch when I need it because I feel like I'm not being the kind of mother I want to be if I do.

My girls are the best. They make me laugh harder than anyone can. They melt my heart with the slightest look, touch, or sound. I'm content with what we have right now. I think I might even be content if we didn't have anymore. I wouldn't mind just having the two. They already fill my life so completely that there's no need for more. We'll see where God leads us in this. He already blessed us with two that we didn't think we were going to be able to have, so anything else is truly icing on top.

Well, I guess it is time to face the music and go and get Alana from her crib. She's been sitting nicely and quietly, pulling her blankets and waiting for me. Sigh~ How can I not go in there?...off. I. go.

A decade's worth...

2012-01-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Mat Kearney's "Where Are We Gonna Go From Here"
(Lovely song by a lovely voice)

...of getting to know who Nathan Choy really is. We've known each other a decade now. We met when I was 21 and he was 22. Yesterday, it was his 32nd birthday. It's amazing to think we've known each other only a decade. I know it sounds long, but I feel like I've known him for longer. We've been through SO much in that short amount of time.

We met. We hung out...a lot! We took a jazz history class together. We worked out together. We started dating. I had a freak accident and had a burn on my entire face. He stood by me through it. We had our first huge argument; first of many to come. We went to weddings together. We said good-bye when I moved to LA. We did long distance. We got engaged. We fought for our love. We bought our first home together. We got married. We went on trips together all the time. We lived in a house for the first time as a couple (I never got to live in a house, always an apartment, so it was an odd experience for me). We had our first little gift, Kaia. We became parents for the first time. We got laid off. We moved to Oahu. We had our second little gift. So many amazing, life-changing, heartbreaking, wonderful things have happened over the past ten years. I am absolutely floored by how far we've both come individually and collectively. We started off on such opposite ends of the spectrum. Now, we're more alike than I ever thought could ever be possible. Sure, we still don't see eye-to-eye on most days, but we actually talk it through. We hear each other out and most times begin to understand and greatly agree with the other. That hardly ever happened when we first got married. God is good.

I'm thankful to God for keeping Nathan healthy and safe all these years. I'm so grateful for the godly man that He's molded him to become. I love that we laugh together still, even more so at times than before. He is a great father. He is a wonderful husband. He's a loyal and dutiful son and brother. We have a lot more heavy issues to "discuss" now. We have a lot more on the line with two amazingly beautiful daughters. At the same time, we have made it this far. I never thought the cute boy hiding in the back of the church behind the sound equipment that showed no interest in me would end up being my husband, my love. God is good.

Letting go...

2012-01-09T18:04:00.001-08:00

Song of the day: Jason Mraz's "Make It Mine"

Today was Kaia's first day (orientation for the new students) of preschool at Calvary-be-the-Sea. The first day since her birth that I gave control over to someone else, someone I don't know hardly at all. Sigh~ It was the most difficult thing to do. I felt like crying but having Alana by my side made me remain strong. Nathan took the day off since it was his birthday AND Kaia's first partial day at preschool. There were only 2-3 other kids there. We walked her in, talked to all the teachers, and got her things in cubbies and such. She went off with the teacher and the other kids to get a tour of the place. I wanted to say bye but they were deep into the tour and I didn't want to disrupt it. So, we just left without saying our last "See you later."

I got in the car and was surprisingly keeping it together. I didn't even shed a tear...then, I looked back and saw Alana looking over at Kaia's empty carseat. She's so used to seeing her there since we go everywhere together, so I guess it was odd for her to look over at the other side of the backseat and not have two pairs of eyes staring back at her. Watching her look back and forth and all around, looking for her Unnie, made me start tearing up a little bit.

Thankfully, the day was only from 9:00-10:30 a.m. Nathan, Alana, and I went to the post office to pick up something from our PO Box. Then, we went to buy some snacks and treats at the market. After we were done shopping, we headed to the beach nearby to sit and eat a bite or two before we had to pick up Kaia. After only a few minutes enjoying the beautiful ocean waves and lovely day, we had to get back in the car and pick up Kaia.

Once we got to the school, Nathan told me to go inside first while he got Alana out. I excitedly opened the back gate to the playground/classroom area and saw all the kids already starting to get their shoes and things from their cubbies. I saw Kaia from far away, but she got one glimpse of me and started running with the biggest smile on her face. I wanted to melt right then and there. She flew into my arms and I hugged her tight enough to feel all of her but not so tight that I might crush her. We said our farewells to the teachers, as well as our words of gratitude. Then, we got into the car and drove to Ala Moana to meet Nathan's parents for some birthday dim sum.

It's hard, letting go. Letting go of my time with Kaia. Letting go of the control I have over everything that influences her. Letting go of the fact that I don't want her to ever grow up. Letting go of my baby. I don't think it'll ever get easy, letting the world have their way with them, but I'm trying to look at the good things that could come from this. I know that I'll appreciate Kaia more because I don't get to spend every waking moment with her. I think she'll appreciate our times together a little more as well. Also, she'll have so many friends to play with every day. She will get to learn so many new and fun things. She'll have stories to tell us when she gets home. I have to focus on those positives.

Baby steps...more for mommy than for baby.

Out with resolutions

2012-01-01T06:56:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: 2NE1's "I Am The Best"
(This song is just fun and pumps me up.)

2012 has officially begun.

It's so natural to say, "Okay, my resolutions this year are..." I've done it almost every year and failed miserably.

This year will be different. I'm not just saying it and deciding to rely on sheer will to get me through. I'm going to have a plan and it's going to be something I'm going to try very hard to see as a lifestyle change no matter how others may take it. I care so much about what others think that if they don't like hanging out with me because I don't eat cookies, ice cream, fried foods, etc. I fold and decide that it's more important to make others like being around me. No more! I am not letting fear of man hold me back any longer.

Everything around me is against me. Nathan eats horribly and brings me home "surprises" all the time, which usually consists of something that is refined, sugar-filled, and completely of no nutritional value to anyone's body. My in-laws try to eat healthy but constantly eat Chinese take-out, desserts, and the like. There's always tons of sweets in the house on any given day. We don't have our own place so I can't control what comes into the house, but I can control what goes into my body. I have two kids to live for now. They matter more than what others may think of me. As they're getting older and more active I see how important it is for me to have the energy and health to keep up with them. I want to be around for as long as I can for them. I want to see both of them grow into amazing women. I want to be there to see them get married. I want to be around to be an incredible grandmother that showers my grandchildren with love, comfort, and wisdom. I want to maybe even be around to see them get married as well. That would be a dream. I don't stand a chance to do those things if I keep going the way I've been going this past 1-2 years. I used to be incredibly healthy. Then, I met Nathan. With each year that we've been together, my eating habits has gotten increasingly worse. At first, I started putting red meat back into my diet. Then, I started eating white/refined grains. After a while, I started eating straight up fried and sugar-laced foods. Now, I eat sugar on a daily basis and have given in to allowing my children eat so much starch and carbohydrates because everyone showers them with it.

I need to stand up for them. I need to stand up for myself. I will be healthy again. I won't allow myself to deteriorate little by little. I will not feel random pains all the time. I have decided to take care of myself for the sake of my family and God's work through me. I don't want to be skinny. I want to be strong. I want to be able. I want to be active. This year I will go on hikes. I will take time in the morning to spend with the Lord while I exercise even if it's just for a handful of minutes here and there.

Another big thing is to work on being more considerate and conscientious to others. I think I get so caught up in my own life that I don't think twice about what others may be going through. I need to exercise that part of my brain. I need to make greater efforts in calling, writing, and just being in touch with my friends and family. I love them, so I need to start showing them more. I've just been so stressed out about raising two kids and dealing with all of the madness of our lives here that I don't outside of my world as often as I'd like. Maybe I could make it up to you by making the sauce really yummy.

Last day of a very LONG year

2011-12-31T22:20:00.001-08:00

Song of the day: Gavin DeGraw's "Not Over You"
(I love how raw his voice is and the words to this song are just so simple and honest.)

I can't believe it's the end of 2011 already. At the same time, I can't believe how slowly each day has felt over this past year. Someone said, "The years are short but the days are long." It's so true.

Today, I spent most of the day after putting the girls down for their nap cooking a Korean feast for the Choy clan. We decided to do a traditional Korean New Year's meal. I made ho bak jun, seng sun jun, jalapeno jun, meat jun, mee yuk gook, and a very elaborate jap chae. Nathan helped me with prep and even made kim chee boo cheem. It all turned out pretty well for our first go at it. I hope that we can keep on with the tradition every new year, especially once we move into our own place.

So much has happened this year: Alana had many "firsts" and became a little person. She is walking, talking, and laughing up a storm. She used to cry at the sight of anyone new or unfamiliar approaching her, gripping onto me for life. Now, she still cries in some instances when I let her go, but generally she waves, smiles, and plays coy with people around her. Kaia has become a little lady, able to do so many things on her own, including going to the bathroom, washing her hands and mouth, doing puzzles, taking off and putting on her own clothes, brushing her own teeth, helping me with cooking and cleaning, taking care of your sister, slowly being able to go with other people without mommy by her side, etc. Such amazing growth in both my girls in a year's time.

Nathan and I bought a house together. We've been working on it off and on ever since. It's been a long nine months ever since. We're still miles away from being even close to moving in but it's our first place together as a family of four. It'll be where the kids remember growing up and having some of their first memories. It'll be my first kitchen where I'll make regular recipes that my girls will grow up asking for [hopefully].

This past year Nathan and I have gone through so many things. Many ups and downs. Endless tests of our character, trust in God, and bond in marriage. It was a year of humility, trials, tears of joy, tears of heartache, and many discoveries [about my soul, heart, mind, Nathan, my daughters, God, and life].

What an end to the year. After hours of cooking for the family, I got to watch them all devour it with such joy and delight. Then, the boys started a game of Monopoly until Kaia decided we should start watching our movie for the night (we let her stay up past midnight last year because the fireworks around the neighborhood was super loud and lasted for almost 4 hours straight, and she got to watch a movie and eat popcorn with us). We are now on the couch watching "Kung Fu Panda 2" while cuddled on the couch together with snacks on our laps. What a way to end the year.

Thank you, Lord, for an incredible year. It's been hard, lovely, stressful, beautiful, and full of obvious blessings and most a blessing in disguise. Thank you for allowing for me to survive all that this year had to offer and for giving me the teachable heart to see how You were working through those things. May this new year bring forth greater peace, love, and gratitude because of You...and to You.

You can't escape who you truly are inside

2011-12-29T00:43:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: 2NE1's "Ugly"
(I really feel this song, and it's gotten me on a Korean stint again.)

I'm learning that over and over again. Over the past 10-15 years, my life has drastically changed from the Korean culture obsessed one I led back in high school. I hardly ever speak Korean except a few words and phrases here and there when I talk with my parents on the phone. I never watch any Korean t.v. until just recently when I started watching some Korean reality t.v. on the web. I haven't gone to sing karaoke ever since I had Kaia. I married a Chinese guy. I live in Hawaii and am surrounded by Americanized people. There is no outlet for the Korean part of me come out or even exist.

I'm starting to feel that itch to be somewhat in that world. I miss acting silly and being able to joke with others in Korean. There's a different level of hilarity when it's done in a foreign language. I think that English is probably the most simple and straight-forward language. A lot of other foreign languages are very poetic, not so literal, and much more descriptive and beautiful. I've always thought that about the Korean language. Things are said with more care and possess a more delicate and thoughtful quality.

I know that I'll never be able to live the life I led before. I know that my husband will always be Chinese and will probably never know how to speak Korean enough to carry on a conversation of any length with me. I know that even if he knew the language, he would never understand why I like the things that I do about it. I miss bowing to elders that I meet. Now, it's all about handshakes. I'm going to miss hearing the familiar and comforting sounds of Korean words being spoken in the home. My daughters probably won't call me um-mah like I called my mom all my life. I always assumed that they would call me that. It wasn't something I had to even think about. Unfortunately, it hasn't turned out that way because of how similar it sounds to another word in Chinese. It breaks my heart every day.

Yes, I am a mom now. Yes, God placed me in this life with my lovely family for a far greater design and purpose than I am able to conjure up in my limited mind. Yes, I am older and should be less goofy and odd. At the same time, those things are what makes me truly me at the core. It is who I am. So odd to even say that because I have lost a lot of who I am over the past handful of years, and especially since I've moved here to Oahu. I have to really ask myself what my joys, beliefs, dreams, and passions are because it gets muddled in the chaos of the day-to-day.

Without anyone around me to exercise that part of myself, how am I going to be able to nurture that part? I don't know. That's what I'm thinking through lately. I don't want that part of me to completely fade away and die as the years go by. So much of it already has faded into darkness. I don't want to lose what's left. I guess my parents' influence really did have a great impact on my life and how I view it. Who would have thought that they'd be right? I guess they always knew.

What is marriage?

2011-12-17T02:45:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Katy Perry's "The One That Got Away"
(My sister turned me onto this song. The words, melody, and music video breaks my heart...)

I'm not sure. I know the cookie-cutter answer: It's a commitment you make to him/her and God that you will love them no matter what life may throw your way. You will work toward the same common goals and build a life together. You will long for no other and ride out all the downs that comes with the ups in life. You will eat, sleep, and dream together. Simply put, it's the union of two people to lead a life together as one...but it's not that simple.

In my head, I know what it all is supposed to mean. But, what does it really look like? I think about it plainly and marriage is essentially two strangers getting to know each other well enough to decide to move in together. To tell all your secrets and thoughts to. To share a bed, accounts, and most times raising kids together. What keeps us together though? What makes some decide to get a divorce while others go through similar struggles [or even worse] and somehow manage to remain together until the end? I don't really know fully. I think on the most part it's a decision you have to intentionally and prayerfully make every single moment of every single day. If you decide to check out even for a few moments, that can lead to allowing a little tear to be made in your bond that can lead to the ripping apart of the life you've made together.

Nathan and I are far from perfect. We both lack so much patience and grace with each other at times. This past year, with our living situation and all that we've both gone through [and are going through] there's been more room for misunderstandings, miscommunication, loneliness, bitterness, and disharmony. There have been times after a huge argument/discussion that thoughts ran through my mind that led me to grieve for what may become of our marriage down the line. I don't think I'll ever cheat. I don't think Nathan will ever cheat. That's not what keeps me up at night. I'm worried that down the line somewhere we'll be in a passionless marriage. Right now, we have passion. We have tons of laughter and joy. We enjoy being with each other and are best friends. I just don't want to see that fade as the years go by. I want it to get stronger. With limited time with him for the past year and a half and all the stress we both carry on our shoulders on any given day [and the lack of privacy] I just worry. His parents are always around so we hardly ever give each other random kisses like we used to. We don't cuddle on the couch. I know it seems like small things but it means so much to me. It's the small gestures that makes me feel safe and loved.

These thoughts have been on my mind for quite some time now. Marriage has taken a different turn since we've moved to Oahu...since we've had another child...since Nathan's worked harder at his job than all his past jobs combined together. It's just been incredibly humbling and sobering to see just how much we need God. I think without God in our lives we would easily fall into giving up on "us." At least for me, I think if we fought as much as we have this past year or so, I'd be convinced that I married the wrong guy. I would feel fully right to leave this relationship to make room for the man that would be better suited for me.

I look at Nathan and we are so different. Sometimes I wish he was Korean so we could speak to each other. I wish he was a good dancer so we could go dancing together. I wish he was into singing so he could take me to karaoke. I wish he was into health and fitness so he could motivate me instead of pulling me into his world of sugar, starches, and refined foods. I wish he would readily and joyfully change diapers, help with feedings, etc. I wish he would want to watch more thought-provoking movies instead of just action or animation films. I wish he would want to talk/get to know me constantly. I wish he would be more romantic regularly. I wish he was more gentle with me. I wish he didn't fart so much. There's so many things that I know would make my life easier if he was more like...me.

At the same time, I know God knew what He was doing when he fit us together. I have dated guys that have more of the things I "wish" for in Nathan. It usually led to a lot of drama and heartache. I think because Nathan isn't that emotional and into talking about deep things our arguments don't get as heated as it could probably get if I were with someone else. God knew. God knows. He will get us through the bumps and bruises, the ups and downs, the fall outs and cold wars. I'm confident that we'll come out stronger, more at one, and more in love with God for it. I pray for that. That's all I can say for now. I can't answer that question definitely because marriage is what is.

"It's beginning to look a lot like...San Francisco?"

2011-12-14T17:35:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Justin Bieber's "Mistletoe"
(I know, I know. It's a JB song but the melody is simple, sweet, and very much the feeling of the holidays. I love it~!)

This past month has been quite cool, breezy, and wet. It's so odd looking out the window and seeing dark clouds looming over us all throughout the day. I love it. It reminds me so much of San Francisco. All we need is more people in any given space, houses right up against each other, and a ton more charm and history.

Lately, I've been very nostalgic and homesick. It's partly because my sister was here to visit for Thanksgiving, as well as my best friend. Another part is because Kaia is going to be attending preschool in January, which gets me to think about how real it is that this is the life she is going to know--life in Oahu. I always imagined my kids growing up in San Francisco the way I did. Another huge reason probably is because I want to feel like it's winter when it's winter. Sure, it never really snowed much in San Francisco so we never had a white Christmas, but we always had that nip in the air that turned the tip of your nose and apple of your cheeks rosy red. We were bombarded by scarves, gloves, mittens, beanies, wool jackets, and such before the really cold weather came, and got to see it being worn all around the city when it got cold enough. I love that feeling of being bundled up and seeing steam come out of your mouth when you take a deep breath. I miss the culture of meeting up at cozy coffee shops to keep warm with good company. Sigh~

I hope that we'll be able to go to San Francisco for Christmastime next year. I want the girls to be bundled up in puff coats, loose beanies, and warm mittens while we walk along the gorgeous streets of Mommy's hometown. One day...

Human tendencies

2011-11-29T03:02:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song"
(I love this time of year...I wish I was in San Francisco, feeling the nip of the cold air hitting my face...)

My sister came to visit for about a week and a half. She came on November 16 and left just a couple of nights ago. It was by far one of the most up and down times we've had together. There was tears of sadness and joy. There was much laughter, hugs, and kisses. There was also lots of awkward moments and painful realizations. Nonetheless, it was lovely.

After much discussion and time with my sister, I've come to the realization that as we grow older there are things about us that are hard to change. Really hard. Even if someone calls you out on it, it's hard to figure out a tangible way to change yourself. I've also come to realize that my sister and I are growing apart in our interests, thoughts, and lifestyles. What is luxurious to me isn't so much to her. What I find hilarious, she often finds juvenile. What I find fun, she often finds a bit of a bore. It was heartbreaking at first when we didn't seem to be jelling as well as we usually do when we get together. At the same time, I still felt connected to her core. I knew the Unnie I grew up with was inside there. It's just so clouded by the worlds we live in and how it has changed us. I wish things could be the way it used to be when we finished each others' sentences and inspired each other to like things that we hadn't discovered yet.

Why are we the way we are? I've been really thinking about that in my own life a lot lately. Why do I have so many hang-ups? I know I've been hurt many times before by my parents, guys, friends, teachers, etc. Have all those scars hardened me so badly that I can't move forth? I hope not. I just wonder why we all have these crazy sides to ourselves that seems to get increasingly more unmanageable and inflexible as we grow older. Sigh~ I hope that God would continue to heal me so that I could truly embrace the day for what it is. I hope that I could the world around me with new eyes like I used to. Like a child. I just want to be able to have that kind of wonder I used to have before the world had its way with me. Only God can give me even a sliver of hope for that. May I one day rid of these demons that take control over me.

Birthdays, holidays, weddings! Oh my!

2011-11-14T04:47:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine's "Stereo Hearts"

This past month has gone by so fast, mostly because SO much has happened in a matter of weeks.

First off, this month holds two very important birthdays: my sister, Unnie, and my mom. Also, there are so many people celebrating birthdays at the end of October/beginning of November, so it's been a bit tiring and wonderful all at the same time.

Also, I've been getting to know Nick's fiance, Jess, a lot better over the past couple of months, and the other day she asked me if I would like to be her bridesmaid. I was so moved and excited. I'll be the only one bridesmaid. Her best friend from Colorado will be the maid of honor. To be honest, I was really surprised that she didn't decide to ask her best friend from high school. I'm grateful and honored to be able to be a part of that day with her.

After getting married, and especially after having kids, I honestly felt like it was nearly impossible to make new friends at this stage of life and beyond. The only wonderful friends I would ever have would be from my childhood. I was convinced of this. On the most part, I still hold strong to that belief but slowly God is allowing for women to come into my life and, for whatever reason, choose to care about me.

Several months back, I started getting closer to a sister at church, Katrina. She's an incredible, strong, beautiful woman of God and I am so completely blessed whenever I get to have face time with her. Her wisdom and syrupy sweet heart never fails to encourage me. Now, only a few months back, Jess moved here from Colorado to be with Nick and it's been this absolutely lovely journey ever since. We have quite a bit in common. Both sisters are stunningly beautiful inside and out. I never thought I'd make genuine friends here, and if I did for some reason it would probably be a fellow mother. Funny thing is that the two girls that have made the most impact in my life here are both childless. I can be myself around them. They allow me the freedom and safety I need in order to be the real me, all of it.

We'll see where the Lord leads these friendships but I pray that He would allow for them to flourish and grow stronger as the years pass by. At this point in my life, I am grateful for any level of connection with fellow sisters. It's hard to do without when you had such wonderful ones in the past (i.e. Vivian Mun, Ellice Lee, Grace Lee, etc.). I'll take what I can get.

I've waited my whole life...

2011-11-10T00:18:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Adele's "Make You Feel My Love"

...to hear those words.

I called my mom today because I needed to ask her about possibly meeting us in LA when we fly out to Southern California in February.

At first, the conversation started off down the same road it always does. She talks at me about various health related issues. Then, she asks me how I'm doing, which I usually respond to with a simple answer since going into anything might trigger her to criticize and go off on endless tangents. After getting exasperated by her rantings, I stop her and ask her how she's doing. That usually gets her going into all the ailments she has and how she's self-curing herself because she doesn't believe in Western medicine.

Oddly, after I asked her how she was doing things took a different turn from the usual. She started telling me about this Korean reality show she's been watching lately. It's about young children living in very dire circumstances with neglectful, abusive, or misinformed parents, and how that affects the child. I think it is hosted by a child's psychologist/childhood development specialist. After telling me a few of the disturbing cases, she told me that this show has made her so grateful that my sister and I turned out as well as we did. She also apologized for hurting me in any way by the way she treated me. She remembers me crying a lot whenever she told me I should lose weight. She said I was never fat, but there were times when I was gaining weight and she wanted to make sure that she was keeping me on track so that I wouldn't have to deal with a bigger gain down the line. It was out of love and concern. I didn't know that. I always believed that I was never good enough for my mom. I almost cried on the phone hearing her say all of this to me...she sounded so sincere and heartbroken for the past. I admitted that I used to feel so insecure and hated my body (and still do most days) because of how she treated me, but that I remember how loving she was and how hard she tried to make sure that we had opportunities to grow and learn. Unfortunately, my girls were up and Kaia kept vying for my attention so I had to cut the conversation shorter than I would have liked...but it was still the most meaningful conversation I've had with my mom. I've always dreamed of having a conversation like that...but honestly, I'd given up hope that she'd ever see the pain I went through for most of my life...miracles do happen.

Normally, even growing up, my mom wasn't much for divulging her emotions to us. She was mom and that was it. She took care of us. She made us soup and rubbed our tummies when we were sick. She packed our lunches every single day. She drove us to and from places. She taught us times tables, Korean, and how to cook. She gave us hugs and kisses. She did a lot, but telling us her innermost thoughts and feelings wasn't one of them. That is why this conversation meant so much to me. For the first time, maybe in my entire life, I heard her. I heard the woman behind the roles. I saw the heart of a woman with regrets, sadness, and openness to change.

I love her. I admire her. I grieve the life she leads now because I know she deserves much more. She worked so hard to take care of us, to give us the life she never got to have, and now she has no real close friends, no career, and both daughters far away from her...

I want so badly to live near her so that she can grow old with me. I want her to watch my girls grow up. I don't want her to feel that all the blood, sweat, and tears she put into raising us only led to her being alone in an empty house. Now that I'm a mother of two girls myself, I can feel an ounce of the pain she must have felt when my sister and I both chose paths that led us far away from her.

I love you, Um-mah...you taught me how to be a strong woman and loving mother. I look at my girls and wonder how you did it back then, and all the following years, pretty much on your own with no real help. I don't know how you managed to put yourself on the back burner for so many years without turning into a bitter, insane, and/or suicidal person. You don't even have God to anchor you like I do. There are so many days I break down in tears when the girls are down for their naps because it feels so overwhelming, this whole parenting thing, and I think of you and wonder if you cried as well when we weren't looking...probably...oh mom...my heart breaks and swells whenever I think about you and the sacrificial love you poured upon us our entire lives...I said it already but I love you...I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you for being my mom. Thank you for loving me so well and giving me everything, especially the things I didn't think I wanted back then but cherish now. You are in every look, furrowing of the brow, smile, explosive laughter, hug, kiss, tender touch, tear I shed because of my girls. You are in the fabric of who I have become...the good and the bad...I'm slowly starting to see that it's one in the same. We're one in the same.

How are we wired so differently?

2011-11-08T02:34:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Adele's "Hometown Glory"
(I am completely falling in love with Adele lately. I've always heard so much about her and heard her songs in passing. I've been impressed by her amazing voice from the moment I heard her first single...but lately, her words and voice has moved me in such an incredible way and I have become immersed in the intricate pieces of her story she makes so accessible to us through her songs.)

Am I too much? Is he too little? I don't know.

Tonight, Nathan and I were watching some t.v. and the topic of Johnny Depp and some statements he made recently about America versus Europe came up. There was a part in an interview where Johnny Depp seemingly implied that Americans, besides the big cities (I'm guessing New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, San Diego...mostly right on the east and west coast), were not intelligent enough to desire to watch and/or understand his latest film. Upon that statement, Nathan said, "I don't take offense to that. I don't look for intelligence in movies. I like fast cars and action. I don't go to watch movies to think." That led to my opening up the discussion further by bringing up Adele's song, "Someone Like You" that I've been listening to and singing aloud all throughout the day for the past week or so. After I went through each verse and told him what I believed she was trying to convey, he looked completely lost. He gave me odd looks, like he was thinking, "Oh-kay...someone is thinking way~~~ too deeply into this." Our conversation continued on for a while until he said, "You know, it'll be good to have your sister here (she's coming in less than 2 weeks) to talk about these things with." That shot me down instantly.

I just don't understand how it's humanly possible to go through life not thinking beyond the surface. Maybe guys are just wired so completely differently than us girls that they can't come to grips with getting deep into the soul of something. I don't know. Every song I hear, I can't help but hear the lyrics. If it's a fast song and the lyrics are discouraging, degrading, or just plain sinful I can't ignore it. If the words are hauntingly beautiful, I can't help from having it lodged into my inner-thoughts, left to brew and only become stronger with each run-through.

I guess I'll never really understand Nathan and his thoughts. I will never understand how God has designed men. At the same time, I know that God made us perfectly in His own image, men and women. I'm grateful that God molded me to feel so deeply and think intricately about things that may otherwise seem straightforward. I love being able to see an array of colors in what seems to be black and white. I also love that my husband is so simple. He isn't complicated. There aren't any strings attached. He is reliable and trustworthy. He is many things that I am not [yet]. I love that AND it drives me up the wall all in the same breath.

"I left my heart...in San Francisco..."

2011-11-04T03:42:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Adele's "Someone Like You"
(This song makes me misty-eyed every time...the words...the melody...her voice...it would be perfect to listen to while walking around the San Francisco streets at night...sigh~)

My goodness~! Today was one of those days...

The rain started in the middle of the night, hard. The morning was gloomy and wet. The rain persisted all day. We had a break here and there but the rain kept coming back. It felt like...San Francisco. It made me misty-eyed just thinking about all the lovely times I had in the rain in my hometown. I loved it back then and love it even more now. For the first time, in a very long time, I felt incredibly homesick. Everything about today brought tears to my eyes. I was just really emotional.

I know that to many people, especially those who grew up in warm climates like Oahu, the thought of living in a city like San Francisco may seem depressing and miserable. For me, someone who grew up in the city from the age of 4 until 18 + some years when I came back the summer before transferring to UCSD and the year before I got married, I absolutely adore it. I miss getting all bundled up, holding an umbrella, and hearing the sounds of wet boots hitting the concrete pavement. I miss waking up to the sound of rain hitting my windowpane and cars swooshing by with their wet tires. I ache for it. Today, getting a little taste of that again, filled me with so much sadness that my girls would grow up not knowing that romantic and lovely feeling of growing up in foggy SF. All they'll know is sun, swimming, beach, and heat. I know. That sounds like paradise for some, but for me it isn't. It also makes me sad that I won't be able to live that kind of life for possibly the rest of my life. I thrive in that kind environment/climate.

I wonder if God will ever lead us back to the mainland. I wonder that every single day. I look around and feel so lost here. I don't feel like this could ever be somewhere I can truly feel at home. I may have to call it home because we are living here and my girls' lives are being grounded here, but my heart will always be in San Francisco. Always. There's a reason why so many romantic films have been shot in the city. It's such a charming, gorgeous, vibrant, whimsical, and historic place. I often feel like it's magical.

I remember growing up, hopping from coffee house to coffee house with various friends. I remember walking in the rain arm-in-arm with friends, boyfriends, family under one umbrella as part of the fabric of my existence there. I remember so many times unraveling myself of scarves, gloves, jackets, coats, and other layers of clothing upon arriving somewhere to meet someone all the while looking over the menu and sharing warm greetings and affections. The weather and vibe of the city gives the people living in it a warmth and loveliness I haven't found anywhere else I've lived.

I look around myself here in Oahu and romance doesn't seem to be something that is a part of the experience. I always wondered why Nathan wasn't very romantic. I wondered why he didn't think deeply the way I did about things. I wondered why he always thought so simply about life and people. A huge part is because he's a boy and he has parents that didn't encourage complexity. At the same time, I think it's part of living on a tropical island. There isn't much charm. Sure, the beaches are lovely here and hikes can be amazing, but there isn't anything cozy or whimsical about it. People seem to just surf, swim, tan, eat, work out, drink, and relax. That's great. I do love a day at the beach myself. At the same time, there's something about the lifestyle here that I don't really find desirable. People dress so scantily. There's not a whole lot of elegance. There is no old world feel to be found. It's mostly short shorts, tank tops, bikinis, board shorts, slippers (flip-flops!), and Aloha shirts. When I'm here, I don't really feel like cuddling with Nathan or walking hand-in-hand. San Francisco is chilly and the air is crisp so you are always wanting to nuzzle up to someone else.

I know, these are seemingly silly reasons I miss San Francisco...but it means a lot to me. I grew up with a lot of romantic ideals in my head. The setting was always San Francisco, and would always be San Francisco...at least that's what I believed would be true of my life. I was so sure that I would end up back in my hometown soon. I was wrong. I am here in Oahu now and have no idea why God has called us to here. All I can do is pray, trust, and hope. One day...it'll all make sense. Not today. Not at all. But one day.

Fairy family

2011-11-01T04:30:00.001-07:00

Song of the day: Beyonce's "End of Time"
(I heard this song this past Saturday before our Making Strides Walk when they had people from Jazzercise teach us some stretches and moves to warm us up. So much fun~!)

Today was Halloween. It's not a huge deal to our family since we are Christians and don't believe in ghosts and goblins and all that madness. At the same time, there is something so fun about dressing up as someone else for a day. It's more fun when you have children that get so thrilled to do something so magical.

Kaia truly loves princesses and fairies lately. Since she went as Cinderella last year [and Alana was a newborn that stayed with me to nurse most of the time] last year, we thought it'd be fun to have both of them be fairies together this year. I joined in on the festivities and put on some wings. Kaia got the royal treatment: painted her toenails AND fingernails (her first time for that) green, put gel in her bangs to keep it to the side just like Tinkerbell, and even got to wear shimmery green eyeshadow. My 3-year old got to wear make up for the first time today. So odd.

We decided to go to the mall in Ala Moana this year. Last year we went to Kahala Mall. It was very disappointing. So, we decided to try out somewhere else this year. It was so completely crowded with dressed up kids and adults [and regular shopping patrons] but still somehow turned out to be manageable and fun. Kaia had the best time seeing all the other kids that were dressed up. She saw Jasmine, Belle, another Tinkerbell, Buzz Lightyear, Woody, Jessie, Minnie Mouse, and so many other characters. Every time she saw someone that was dressed up as someone she liked, she would grab me by the arm, jump up and down while shouting with so much excitement, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! LOOK!!!" To her, they were the real deal. It was absolutely wonderful to see how happy she was.

I can't wait for both of my girls to be old enough to fully pick out their own costumes. It's the same joy I get watching them open up presents on Christmas morning. It truly warms my heart through and through.

Today was a spectacular day. It started out a little rough but ended on such a sweet note. This whole week has been amazing. We went to the zoo with Auntie Jess, we met up with Grace (Jin) Lee and Evan for a fun day at the mall [because they were visiting the outer islands], we did the Making Strides Walk for breast cancer with the entire family, we met up with Grace, Jin, and their two boys for dinner at the airport (we brought them some dinner since they were going to have a layover for an hour or two before heading back to SD), and went trick-or-treating today. It's been a very hectic, event-filled, lovely week. I pray to have more meaningful and memorable times like the ones we had this past week. God is so good to allow us to have pockets of rest, love, and peace in the midst of the chaos of life.

A year ago...

2011-10-24T04:58:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Diana Ross & the Supremes' "I Hear A Symphony"
(This song makes me happy and sad all at the same time.)

...I gave birth to an incredibly beautiful and determined little baby girl...my Alana. She couldn't wait to get out, literally. By the time I was at the hospital, I was already fully dilated. Within 20 minutes my water broke and another 5-10 minutes and Alana was born. I still tear up thinking about that moment...the moment I saw Alana's face for the first time. I felt such relief that she was all in one piece and she didn't have all the things the doctors were afraid she would be born with--Down Syndrome, other chromosomal complications, or maybe even something fatal. I worried the entire pregnancy since they told me all these statistics about the probability of my little one being born with problems.

I look at her now and am amazed at how much of a gift she is. Yes, she is a fireball. She is hard-headed and way too determined...but she has so much passion and zeal for life. She smiles and laughs out loud like no other. She makes your heart melt with a puppy-eyed stare. She walks, babbles, and storms around like a tornado. It's quite incredible to watch her in action. She has so much personality, style, and heart. She does everything full on. She cries at the top of her lungs, talks/sings loud enough to muffle out anyone else around her, and can walk endlessly with those tiny legs of hers. She has so much attitude, especially when she dances. She sways with finesse and keeps on beat. I hope she grows up to be passionate about music, dancing, or both. That would be so odd and heartwarming to watch since I love both very much.

My Alana...growing up much too fast. I wish I could give her the undivided attention I was able to give Kaia. Unfortunately, when you have two little ones that can't fully take care of themselves, it's impossible to do everything the same way you did with the first when there were no other precious body to tend to. I do my best but I fail daily. I hope and pray that she'll grow up knowing that no matter how busy mommy may seem at times, I am always there for her and rooting for her in everything she does [short of sin]. Hehe~ I love her. She is truly my sunshine.

Happy first birthday, little one. You will hopefully have many more to come. You came into our lives a year ago and changed our lives forever. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I loved my firstborn...I was proven wrong instantly. Holding you for the first time, seeing your darling face, moved me at the core and hasn't stopped ever since. I celebrate the blessing and gift that you are and all that you will become. I love you, my puppy.

Good cop. Bad cop.

2011-10-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Louis Armstrong's "What A Wonderful World"

I spend so much time taking care of my girls but they much rather cuddle and play with their daddy or grandma. To be honest, it makes me so sad. I know they're just being kids that can't really grasp how their actions and words affect other people...but it breaks my heart when I have to do all the hard stuff, disciplining them constantly, taking care of their basic needs, etc., and they see me as the one that doesn't allow them to do the things they want to do. They see me as the bad cop and the rest of the family as the good cop.

When will I get to be the good cop? I would love to be the one that says yes to everything. I would love to be the one to play with them until they started acting up, then leave the disciplining up to someone else. I don't know when it all became this way. Kaia and I used to have such a lovely bond. I had to discipline her here and there but she was quite well-mannered and sweet most of the time. This past month, she has been growing outrageously rebellious and completely careless about how her actions lead to consequences. Before, whenever she did something she knew was not the right thing to do, she would immediately apologize and give me a hug. There was genuine remorse, even if it was from a 2-3 year old. Lately, she only apologizes when she has been asked to multiple times, and when she does say sorry it is obviously from a heart that is far from being one of repentance. It kills me inside that she is going through what I'm hoping is a phase.

Part of me feels completely helpless about the whole thing. I know a lot of her acting out stems from the fact that she feels jealous of her little sister, Alana. I see it very evidently when anyone makes a big deal about something Alana has done. If they gush and love on her, Kaia instantly looks around and tries to find ways to get everyone's attention away from Alana and onto herself. Whenever I'm trying to record Alana doing something, like taking her first steps or dancing around, Kaia tries so hard to get in front of her to block my view of Alana. It upsets me so much because I want to give Alana at least a fraction of the attention that Kaia got...it's nearly impossible with Kaia acting the way she does when I do.

I don't know how other parents do it. I don't know how my own mom didn't lose it more often. She had to deal with so much more and had hardly any help from my dad when it came to raising us. These days, I just think about why God entrusted me with these two delicate, lovely souls. I am utterly sin-ridden and am so afraid of damaging them in any way. I'm afraid my own insecurities, fears, and shortcomings will greatly affect who they become, how they view themselves, and how they view the world. I really pray that God would finish the work He's started in me and allow for me to be of any positive influence on my girls. I pray...

Why are we SO SINFUL?????

2011-10-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: No song. I am in so emotionally distressed that a song is the last thing on my mind.

WHY??? How can we become so dark and hardened as an entire population?

Okay, let me back up a little. Let me walk you down the events that occurred prior to my statement above. I was browsing through Facebook, checking up on the happenings of today, when I stumbled upon a post that my friend put up on her page about a child being run over in China. I watched it and completely sat there in absolute horror and disbelief as to what my eyes were seeing. After it was done, I just broke down and sobbed so hard. I hugged Nathan and sobbed for a few minutes before collecting myself a bit. Then, I felt enraged. How can human beings watch other human beings, especially a helpless child, brutally hurt and not care??? I just don't understand. I know that we are sinners. I know that we are naturally evil and selfish...but, really? Heartless.

I can't sleep right now because I keep thinking of that footage over and over again in my head. I tear up every time. I fed Alana her midnight feeding and held her a little longer while I tried to burp her. I started crying just thinking of someone running over her like that, with no regards to the gift that she is to her parents and the people that love her. I held her a bit longer and tighter than I usually do. Then, I went to go in to take Kaia for her midnight potty trip. As she dug her hands into my chest to keep warm while snuggling her head into my shoulder I felt myself almost losing it because that girl that got run over was just about Kaia's age.

I just can't understand such blatant sin. Yes, we are all sinners. Yes, sin is sin is sin...but...a lot of our sins are beneath the surface. No one can really see them. Seeing someone casually just run over a child, stop for a second because he may have an ounce of humanity in him, but then decide to proceed and run over the girl again and leave the scene as if he just ran over a bird...I just can't make any sense of it. It's moments like this when I wonder why God even deals with us. I wonder why He even gives us any blessings at all. I wonder why He doesn't just blast us off the face of this earth. I really wonder. We have no standards. Everyone makes up their own rules. We are so sucked into our own life and not connecting with people besides through Facebook, emails, text messages, and whatnot that we are starting to become heartless. We have no compassion or sympathy for other human beings. It's so scary to know that this happens all around the world. It's so normal that no one stopped to help the little girl. 18 people walked by and not ONE stopped to do something. HOW!?!?!?!?!!!!! How does one get so hardened that you can walk by a little girl that hasn't even begun to live her life, crushed and bleeding, probably wailing in pain, and act as if it doesn't affect you. HOW? HOW? HOW???!?!?!?!?! I am just so insanely disturbed and angry.

Update: The little girl was in a coma this past week and was announced dead the other day. Breaks my heart...I pray that she's in a better place, away from all the ugliness of this world.

Finally, it's out!

2011-09-27T01:37:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Brian McKnight's "Another You"
(Just so pretty...)

I can't believe it. After months of seeing my baby's gums swell up she has gotten her first tooth. The right (Alana's right) bottom tooth showed up today, glorious with all its ridges. She's been having a hard time staying asleep for several days now. I could see the whites of the teeth gleaning through her gums before it "cut" through. She's almost a year old and is finally getting her teeth. Kaia got her front teeth, top and bottom, by the time she was 7-8 months. It still blows my mind how different my two girls are already.

Alana is her own little person. She is so incredibly strong. She can pull off most things that even adults have to struggle a bit to pull off. She smiles so much, even if she's been crying for a while and should be upset with me. Kaia used to cry for me after naps and such and once I came in she would look at me with anger and cry harder, probably because she was upset that I took so long. Alana instantly smiles when she sees me. She's never woken up grumpy. She's always so cheery. Kaia still wakes up grumpy. Haha~ It's so funny how they share the same blood but are so completely unique.

In less than a month Alana will be turning a year old. It seems so unreal to me that a whole year has gone by since I gave birth to her. Seriously, life goes by in a blink of an eye, especially after you have children. Soon, she'll be talking with real words instead of her Alana-speak (such cute jibber-jabber with fluctuations and intonations like the rest of us). She's walking like a pro now after about a month of practicing and developing her skills. She loves playing games. She'll initiate peek-a-boo by pulling her blanket over her face when I go in to get her out of her crib. I love it. It makes me laugh so hard when she encourages me to play with her. Kaia never did that. You needed to initiate play with her. I love how they're so different. They have similarities, like their fire (the Korean side) but are definitely their own person. I have had to relearn how to be a mommy because of Alana. She keeps me on my toes. She makes me laugh out loud all throughout the day. She melts my heart completely.

Why do we care so much...?

2011-09-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Jessie J's "Price Tag" (Such an awesome song by an amazing artist~! I am so hooked on this song.)

...about our looks, that is. I wonder why we place so much focus on how we look on the outside.

I thought by the time I was out of my twenties I wouldn't care about that stuff anymore. Unfortunately, after being pregnant twice and nursing two babies for long periods of time, I find myself very unhappy with my appearance. It's not like I had a perfect body and face before I had kids, but I have declined exponentially with each baby. I try to look past it and remember that I am not the only one getting older, but amongst my friends I am the only one that has had babies. They all look so youthful and vibrant still. I look tired, beat up, and...no longer in my twenties.

My body has changed so incredibly much that it's hard to face the fact that it's my body. My hips have gotten even wider than they were before. I have cellulite like nobody's business. My arms are soft like tofu. I have a perpetual pooch in my midsection. I'm always dry. My gums bleed quite often. My hair is falling out in fistfuls. I just don't get how a little baby, so sweet and lovely, can wreak such havoc to one's body.

Even so, I wouldn't undo it. I love my girls immensely. I look at them and realize that because of them I've been able to face my fears, shortcomings, weaknesses, and strengths. Sure, my body and face may not look youthful anymore, but raising my two girls allows me to see that this life doesn't revolve around me. It isn't about me. It isn't even about my girls. It's about God and bringing forth what is His will for my life...through my life. I don't do it perfectly by any means. I fail constantly, but my perspective has shifted in many ways. I am grateful for that. I am immensely grateful for my family...my two girls...my ability to see past my self-absorbed superficiality. I'm able to live a little more without the blinders of those things blocking the view along the way.

Giving up

2011-09-12T18:24:00.001-07:00

Song of the day: Demi Lavato's "Skyscraper"

I give up. I just throw my hands up in the air and give up. I have ZERO control over anything. Alana hasn't been taking her afternoon naps at all for the past week or so. The only time I had to take care of things around the house when both girls were down is now gone. I have no time to myself. I have no time to catch up with household chores. I have no energy left to give. I do all I can when they're awake to stimulate them, tire them out [in a good way] so that they'll take really good naps. It doesn't matter. They still fight going down for naps. Alana stays up the entire time she should be napping. It makes me so tense. I tried going in there every time I saw her stand up and putting her back down. After a few days of that I just found myself so tense and stressed that my head felt like it was going to explode.

I just can't do it anymore. I tear up so often lately because I feel defeated. The one thing that I was good at, being a mom, is now a complete enigma to me. I discipline. I try to provide structure. I try to do fun activities to show them that when we have good attitudes and listen to instructions we end up having lots of fun. Even so, they rebel. They fight me. They deliberately choose not to listen. Kaia has been making it very obvious that we are born knowing how to sin. What once she knew as wrong and apologized when she violated the rules, now she will tell me that she doesn't agree with the rule. She will outright say, "No, I don't understand!"

I sound like such a horrible mom, especially to those that may not have kids of their own yet. Fellow mothers know, as much as we love our children and will do anything for them, they test you to your limits. There are days when I just break down in tears, face down in utter desperation and fury, because no matter how much I try to do for my family, no matter how much I try to seek God in how I raise them up, there seems to be complete resistance and no appreciation...and no clear answer on how I'm going to navigate through it.

Today, I woke up tired. I woke up extremely tired. Alana fought me while trying to get her diaper changed. She fought me while I tried to feed her breakfast. Kaia woke up. She fussed about what clothes she wanted to wear. She whined about going to the potty. She played around while eating. All morning and early afternoon, they both tag-teamed me with disobedience. I put them down for their naps, hoping that finally I could get some mental and emotional rest. No such luck. Kaia disobeyed my request for her to go to bed and not play with her toys multiple times. She screamed bloody murder when I took away her favorite doll as a punishment. Alana is still awake in her crib after 2 1/2 hours of playing. I. give. up.

My eyes are brimmed with tears because I am so torn up inside. I wish I could just let it go. I wish I could just say, "Hey, if they don't sleep and are grumpy and tired later that's their fault." I just can't. Since I know that they'll be tired later and be extra fussy during dinnertime, which is so draining, I can't help but be anxious as I watch them on the monitor not sleeping. I thought the years when you want to pull your hair out because of your children was many years down the road. I guess not. My daughters decided to start early.

Once I go in to them, I feel nothing but sadness and love, but while I play the waiting game for when they'll go down to sleep I feel so much anger inside. I get angry because I feel like I have no time to myself. I've been trying to work out when the girls are napping. So far, I've had a handful of workouts where I'm so stressed out by watching the monitor and seeing one or both girls up and fooling around that I end up just stopping and crumbling to the floor in tears. I just wish I could have one moment in the day when I could take care of myself. I used to think that was selfish, and still struggle with carving out that time for myself, but if I'm not taking care of my health (physical, as well as spiritual, mental, and emotional) I don't think I can effectively and lovingly provide those things for my children. I find myself being short with them more and more. I see how much bitterness I feel at times because I had to give up so much after having kids. I don't want to feel those things, even if it's only split seconds here and there. I don't want to be struggling with this. But I am. Terribly.

What the Lord is trying to do through this time in my life is a huge question mark to me. All I know is that I am nearing the end of my rope. I feel it. Ever since we moved to Oahu, there are so many days when I just feel like I can't do this anymore and have to pack up and leave on my own. Then, I turn around and see my girls and know that I don't have it in me to do that to them. I would be crying the whole plane ride there and back, wherever I would end up going. They are a huge part of me now. If I leave them [even for a few hours] I feel like a part of me is missing.

I don't know how to balance it all. I just don't. I'm trying...I really am. I know I need to start taking better care of myself because I feel sick constantly, experience excruciating headaches often, feel irregular heartbeats from time to time, and feel like crying at any given moment. Everything aches, including my heart. I pray that God would somehow provide me the time and energy to get started on tending to myself once in a while so that I can give the best of me to my family.

Preschool? Co-op? Homeschool?

2011-08-30T02:13:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Bridgit Mendler's "How To Believe" (from "Tinker Bell and the Great Fairy Rescue"
(Such a pretty and touching song...I love Disney~)

Kaia is 3 years old now. She is so aware of everything going on around her. She has so much wonder about her. She asks me all day long how and why things are the way they are. She itches to have consistent playmates she can call friends. I want that for her as well. So yes, we've been visiting preschools. It's amazing how much some of them costs. At the same time, good teachers/aides are hard to come by.

There's a co-op that is the cheapest option. Unfortunately, there's a long waiting list and Kaia can't start right away. Also, the classroom wasn't the cleanest. I felt like she could get sick quite easily there. Lastly, there was a girl there that was so unruly. No one could really control her, not even her mom or grandmother. She shoved Kaia down the slide, which made Kaia cry out of fear. That didn't leave a great taste in my mouth.

Our second option is a preschool at a church. We love the entire feel of the campus. We love the huge shaded playground. We love the organization of the classrooms and thoughtfulness of all the policies and regulations. Sadly, the teacher's aide rubs me the wrong way. She has zero patience with the kids. She has a chip on her shoulder and takes it out on the kids. Even so, Kaia made a few friends in less than 5 minutes. She actually ran off by without me by her side [like she always does]. That never happens.

Our last option is that we try and homeschool her. I don't really see that one happening because she needs the social aspect more than anything, and with Alana being so young and needing me constantly, I don't think I can provide that for her on a regular basis.

I don't know. It's so hard to make these big decisions that can really alter how she views this world and her life. I miss the simpler times when all I had to think about was what solids to feed her and how to get her to say "Mama." Sigh~

I pray that God would lead us to make the right decision for us, for Kaia, at this time in our lives.

How did I get back here...?

2011-08-25T03:26:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Adele's "Rolling in the Deep"
(This song encapsulates the angst and anger I feel lately.)

...to the place of discontentment. No real community. No real accountability. Bitter. Depressed. Angry. Frustrated. Why am I back here?

When I first got married, and was forced to move back to San Diego [and more importantly, Lighthouse Bible Church], I was absolutely miserable. I fought Nathan on going to church every week. I had bitterness toward everyone and everything. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to even talk about it. I shut down. Then, after nearly two years of that, God used my pregnancy with Kaia to have a change of heart. I started taking really good care of myself because it wasn't just me I was hurting anymore. I started seeking wisdom from the other mothers around me. I started getting excited about starting a new chapter in my life. After that, things were progressively getting better in every aspect of my life. After a year or so, I loved my life. I loved my church. I loved the people in that church. I went out of my way to invite people over, to get to know them. I felt so much hope and passion. I found joys in the smallest of events.

Then, Nathan got laid off, which led him to apply everywhere for jobs...including Oahu. He got the job he applied for here, and we were prayerfully on our way to packing up the life we had made in San Diego. I was heartbroken...I still am. I miss the fellowship. I miss the solid teaching. I miss seeing others live out the truth, going above and beyond. I long for those days...

Now, after over a year of living with the in-laws, having so many endless problems hit us in the face, Nathan changing before my eyes [not always in a good way], being confused and struggling with the church we've been attending, spending countless hours and money on the foreclosure we bought, etc., I'm back at that place that I truly thought I would never be again. I'm depressed. I'm going through the motions but I feel raw and on edge. I want out. I want to get out of this room, this house, this state.

I pray that I would have learned something from the first time I went through this. I pray that I would be able to handle it with a bit more grace than I did the first time around. I am in such a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical rut. I don't know how to get myself out of it.

Oh God, please, please, please be my guide. Be my wisdom. I have no idea where I'm going and what I need to do to steer myself out of this mess. I just know that I need You. You saw me through the storm years ago. I pray that You would see me through this one as well, especially since I have two very lovely and impressionable daughters that look up to me. I need to change. I need to be transformed from within. Please, have mercy on me...

Who teaches them these things?

2011-08-20T04:09:00.001-07:00

Song of the day: Selena Gomez's "Love You Like A Love Song" (Yes, I know. Her music is catered toward tweens/teens. Don't judge me~!)

Tonight, after Nathan went into Kaia's room to get her up for her midnight potty break he came out with a huge smile on his face while saying, "Kaia is so~~~~~ cute." I asked him why. He told me that after unloading a massive amount of pee, she stood up, looked around, pushed out a fart, smiled at him and put her finger up to her mouth while saying, "Shhhh..." Then, she fell into his arms, ready to be taken back to bed. I wish I had seen it myself.

Kaia has been doing incredibly adorable and outrageously hilarious things for the past several months. She just gets more witty, comedic, tenderhearted, and clever. I just can't believe she just turned 3. Some of the things she comes up with boggles my mind. I'm taken aback by how smart and perceptive she is.

I chatted with my cousin, JP, the other day and he told me that our uncle and aunt told him that I was somewhat like that myself. I wasn't nearly as cute or hilarious as Kaia is, but I definitely had something in me that stood out. I remember loving making people laugh. I also remember being really sensitive about things. I would cry if someone else was crying, even if I had no idea what was going on.

Also, Alana just turned 10 months yesterday. It was her first day of being fully weaned from nursing. I was feeding her in the morning and at night every day for the past couple of weeks, but yesterday we skipped them altogether. She is fully formula-fed now. It makes me sad, that I wasn't able to provide adequately for her [as I was able to for Kaia]. At the same time, I'm feeding her the best that I could find, organic formula, and she's getting more than enough. When I was nursing, she never seemed completely satisfied. She was always fussing after feedings, probably because she was still hungry. Now, she pushes the bottle away and doesn't cry for food. That gives me a peace of mind that I haven't had ever since I had her, at least concerning her nutrition.

But yes, Alana is so smart. She's already figured out on her own how to play games with us. The other day, we were driving quite a ways to meet our friends from San Diego who were staying at Ko'Olina. It was about time for Alana to have her bottle so I sat in the back in between my girls and fed her. After she was done, I put the top on the bottle back on. She started handling the bottle so I gave it to her to play with. Out of nowhere, she yelled at me to get my attention. I looked and she instantly pushed the top of the bottle away from her so that it flipped onto her feet. I picked it up and gave it back to her upright. She immediately gave me this sneaky smile and pushed the top part again, making it fall onto her feet [again]. I picked it back up to see if she was trying to play a game with me, or if it was just a coincidence. She did it again and started cracking up. We did this non-stop for at least ten minutes. It was the sweetest thing to see and the hardest I've laughed in quite some time. Also, this past week we were sitting on the couch together after her afternoon feeding. Kaia was still taking her nap so it was nice and quiet. I let her stand up on the couch while holding onto the back. All of a sudden, she lunged back onto the pillow that was on my lap. I thought she just fell over on accident, so I picked her back up and helped her onto her feet. Right away, she lunged back again onto the pillow. We did this endlessly as well. We were both laughing out loud the entire time. She is so much fun.

I seriously don't know how God designed our little ones to be so incredibly adorable, fun, lovely, syrupy sweet, yet full of madness and rebellion...but yet still, completely a joy to tend to. I love my girls. Their smiles melt my heart. Their humor keeps me young [at least at heart]. I can stare at them and hold them endlessly. They're my babies...growing up so fast.

A piece of me...

2011-08-16T01:57:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Selena Gomez's "Who Says"
(I absolutely LOVE the lyrics to this song. I wish there were songs like this one around when I was a teenager and feeling completely insecure and far from beautiful.)

...is gone. Nathan left for a 3-4 day business trip to Kauai tonight. I miss him already. It was so odd having the family room all empty and quiet. After putting Kaia down, I usually walk into the family room to see Nathan sprawled out on the couch watching one of his DIY shows. Tonight, I came out to silence and stillness. It made me realize [yet again] how much he means to me...how big of a role he plays in my daily life.

So, the rest of this week will be just me and the girls [and the in-laws]. It should be interesting [to say the least]. I'm sure I'll survive. It's the second time Nathan's left me for an extended amount of time since we've been married. Once was when we were into our second year of marriage and he decided to go fishing in Cabo with some of the guys from our church in San Diego. The second time was when we had Kaia (she was barely a year old, I think) and he had to go to a business trip for 4-5 days. That was rough. This will be the third time. I'm alone with our two girls. If I get through this in one piece I will be amazed.

It's so weird, this whole marriage thing. I remember being "in love" with him but not really feeling at "one" with him in the beginning. I remember thinking that there was no way he would ever be my best friend. My sister held that title for my entire life, and as far as I was concerned was going to continue to be that for me for the remaining years. Somewhere along the way, we started really getting to know each other beyond the niceties and rose-tinted glasses phase. We fought, sometimes so hard that I wondered if we would make it. We said things we probably shouldn't have. We cried harder than we ever have (well, more like I cried harder than I ever have). At the same time, we understood each other better than we ever thought possible. We started finishing each others thoughts and sentences. We started having the same facial expressions. We started finding the same things funny, sad, touching, thought-provoking, etc. We started to become one. I love it. At the same time, it puts fear in my heart because he has become such a vital part of the fabric of my being that if something were to ever happen to him I don't know how I could go on.

I love him. I adore him. I enjoy him...so greatly. When he is away, a piece of me goes with him. I pray that he would have a great time on his trip. I pray that he would come back to us safely. I pray that I would remember moments like these and appreciate him more often.

Thank you, God, for allowing me to have a best friend in my husband. Thank you for molding him into the man that I needed...the man that I didn't know I wanted until I met him. I love him, Lord, and hope that you would see us through many more years together.

My head is pounding

2011-07-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: No song. My head is pounding too much to even think of hearing a song. Sigh~

I can't seem to make it stop. Lately, my headaches have been occurring more frequently, lasting longer, and feeling stronger. I believe it's because I feel so much internal stress. I seriously bottle it up inside because I have no real outlets and it starts eating away at me physically. Right now, I finally got Alana to take a nap after TWO HOURS of trying. She just won't adhere to a schedule. She seems like she's going to fall into one and then decides she much rather keep me guessing. Kaia slept so well by this age. She had a hard time falling into a groove for the first few months but eventually found one that worked and was amazing at sleeping and waking up at predictable times. Alana, even though she's 9 months doesn't seem to know what works for her yet. I wish I could have at least an hour or two to myself without worrying about what's going on with one of the girls, but it doesn't seem like that's going to be happening any time soon.

I sound so horrible, I know. I am blessed with my girls. I absolutely adore and love them. At the same time, I find myself feeling like God has forgotten me. When will it be my turn to have a rest? When will I ever be able to sleep in? When will I ever be able to take time to work out and take care of my own health and well-being? If it's not the girls, it's something else. As I laid in our bed next to Alana's crib (there's a blanket I put up so she can't see me), waiting for her to fall asleep [but only hearing her getting up, pulling the monitor down, and jumping up and down] I felt like bursting inside. I wanted to scream my head off. Ever since we moved here to Oahu I've had SO many moments when I wanted to just pack up my stuff and fly off to New York to see my sister. Just give up and throw the towel in. I'm done. I have tried my best and failed. That's how I feel today [again]. I felt it a time or two with Kaia when we lived in San Diego, but now I feel it at least a few times a week.

So many things in life seems a bit odd to me. First off, we spend most of our childhood and adolescence [and young adult] lives "looking for THE ONE", constantly scouring our surroundings and spending time with a number of people from the opposite sex to try and see if there is a deeper connection. Then, we get married and we have to somehow shut that part of us off. We have to stop finding other people attractive and "interesting." It's hard to do after perfecting the skills to meet, get to know, evaluate, date, and move on from someone for over a decade. Then, ever since we're born all we are is self-centered. All we are told to care about is ourselves. We need to worry about our grades, our social life, our health, etc. Me, me, me. Then, we have kids and it's hardly ever about you. You don't get to do anything for yourself. You have to put them first and put yourself on the back burner. God's design is perfect and beautiful, but it just drives me a little crazy sometimes. I find myself having to retrain my entire being with each of these wonderful, but challenging, changes in my life.

I look around at all the other mommies and wonder how they keep it together. I wonder if they ever go crazy inside. I wonder if they ever feel like they can't handle anymore. I hope that I'm not the only one. Lately, so many new mommies tell me how easy their baby is. I wish I could say that. None of my babies were easygoing and super chill. Kaia had quite a bit of fire, which is continually growing, and Alana is a roaring bonfire. She is so incredibly set in what she wants to do, when she wants to do it. Second-borns being more chill than first-borns is a total myth. I'm living the truth. Alana is way more curious, adventurous, rebellious, inflexible, and feisty than Kaia ever was. I hope that both my girls will mellow out a bit as they get older.

Update: I just went in to get Kaia up from her nap. Alana is still sleeping since she fell asleep so late. I just started tearing up when I saw Kaia laying nicely in her bed reading her books. I knelt beside her bed and she looked deeply into my eyes before gently touching the outline of my lower face. Then, she placed her head on my shoulder and gave me a lingering hug. I started tearing up even more. She looked at me and said, "I love you, Mommy..." while giving me this understanding smile. I'm sure she doesn't get why Mommy is crying but her compassionate heart embraced me because she knew Mommy was having a hard day. After many long embraces and "I love you"s I looked into her eyes and said, "Kaia...Mommy's having a bad day but Kaia makes it all better...thank you..." She responded with more hugs and gentle strokes on my face. I guess this is why I keep going. I guess this is why I'm able to love being a mommy despite the hardships that it brings. My sinfulness tries to mess things up every now and then, but God's grace and power somehow manages to keep it altogether. Praise God~!

Not what I used to be...

2011-07-27T01:54:00.001-07:00

Song of the day: Eminem feat. Bruno Mars' "Lighters"
(I love, love, LOVE Bruno's voice...it is so incredibly breathtaking and inspiring. Plus, I love the words to the chorus.)

...but what I am going to be. I used to always look back at what I was in the past and wish I could transport myself to that time. What happened to the thick, shiny hair I used to have? What happened to the firmness in my skin? What happened to my porcelain white skin? What happened to my full eyebrows? Then one day I realized that I'll never get most [if not all] of those things back no matter how hard I try. After having two kids, going through very stressful and traumatic events in my life, and being thirty [not in my teens] my hair will never be incredibly full, strong, and shiny like it used to be. Unless I'm willing to go under the knife, which I'm not, I will continue to age. That is why I have come to the new mindset of making the most of who I am and what I can be. No matter how old I get, I can still do my best to be as healthy and fit as I can be. I can still feel good even if I may not look as good as I used to.

As people, especially women, we are constantly on a quest to find ways to stop the clock or turn it back. There's no way you can do that. God meant for us to age. God meant for us to evolve, externally as well as internally. It's natural. When people try to hold, or clench for dear life, to their youth, it's unnatural. That truth starts to show in their face and body as well. People who go through surgery and other extreme measures to try and undo aging start to look bizarre and alien-like. Non-human. I rather look human and old. To me, a woman who ages well isn't someone that looks the way they did when they were in college. It's a woman that despite her physical aging has embraced each day with as much vigor and hope as when she was in her younger years. That's what I hope for. For example, Julie Andrews. Her body has changed. Her hair isn't the same thick, glowing form it used to be. She has light wrinkles all over her face. Yet, her smile is still the same because she still possesses that light that she exuded when she was in her prime. I want to age like that. I want to age with no regrets. I don't want to be ridden with years of bitterness and complaints. I want to be filled with gratitude, love for others, and vibrancy for life.

I wonder why we spend so much money, time, and energy trying to look a certain way instead of letting life naturally happen. I've lived a colorful, sometimes extremely dark, full life. I'm still living it. I don't mind so much that the joy I experience each day shows in my laugh lines that deepen and increase with each day. I don't mind so much that my body shows that I have birthed two miracles. I don't mind it so much anymore. I used to. Some days I still do. Mostly though I realize that I'm human. I'm not a celebrity that has to do crazy things to try and stay a certain way. I'm a mommy. I'm a wife. I'm a sister and friend. I'm a child of God. Those things don't require me to be a size 2.

So yes, here's to being the best version of "me" today.

Welcome to America!

2011-07-16T02:51:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Lil' Wayne's "How To Love"
(I heard this song on the way back from my naturalization test. It's a chill song and definitely surprising that he can somewhat carry a tune.)

That's what Nick wrote on the surprise cake the family got for me two days ago when I passed my naturalization test. It was the most studying I've done in quite some time. For the past 3-4 years, I've been only reading books that are at the Pre-K level, sometimes 2-3 years old. So yes, it was a huge departure to be studying American history and politics. It was actually really interesting. Aside from how nervous I was to not pass and have to spend another $800-900 to take a retest, I was glad to learn about our history. It's even made me want to read up on American history more in depth in the near future. Crazy talk~! I never liked history. It was one of my least favorite subjects in school for pretty much all of my life. Odd how things change when you grow older. But yes, I'm so happy to finally say that I'm a citizen of the United States of America!!! I am not the odd person out now. I can travel to foreign lands without any fear of being detained and imprisoned against my will because I'm not protected by the Constitution. I don't have to be the only one in my family that is an "alien" resident. I don't have to wonder, "Where do I belong?" any longer. I can finally vote. I can finally serve on a jury (hmm....I might regret having said that in the near future). I still have to wait for my notice in the next 3 months to come in to take the Oath of Allegiance, but I am now an American citizen. Yay! Praise God~!

It's just too much

2011-07-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass"
(This song totally epitomizes summer. I love how fun it is.)

I feel like Nathan and I are falling into this deep dark hole with no end in sight. Nathan's been so overwhelmingly overloaded at work that he hasn't had any time or energy to work on the house. Our move in date seems to be in the far distance. He doesn't even have time to be sick. He was ill this past weekend but had to still work as he laid in bed because people wanted drawings and models done. Since he has been so tired from work, I never feel right about waking him up early to help me out with the girls or much else around the house for that matter. I'm with the girls all day, every day. Alana is still waking up in the middle of the night for changings and feedings so I don't get much rest at night either. There is so much on both of our minds that we can't seem to relax or sleep well. I feel like we're reaching the end of our rope.

I don't get it. I don't get why God is allowing for us to endure so much all at once, and all one right after another with not a moment's relief. We're raw. We're on edge. We're tired. We're growing bitter. Nathan has said multiple times that he has come to a point where he just doesn't care anymore. He's just reacting now. He just going through the motions and getting things done as much as he can. I feel that way as well. I stress out more outwardly than he does, but I just feel like it's gotten so ridiculous over this past year that there's not much else to do but move along. At first, we felt as though God was trying to teach and strengthen us through all the trials. After several months of endless unexpected turns, I feel like we started getting jaded. Now, we just expect things to go wrong. We expect things not to go the way we had hoped. I keep praying that God would give us some relief because we need to restoration. Our spirits have been crushed over and over again.

Well, what the future holds, only God knows. Kaia's 3rd birthday is coming up in a matter of weeks. We still haven't finished even one room in our massive money pit of a house. We've lived with the in-laws for almost a whole year come the end of this month. Life just doesn't make a whole lot of sense lately...it hasn't for some time now. I just have to trust that God knows all my burdens and sorrows, and that He knows what He is doing.

Where does the time go?

2011-07-13T01:01:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Corinne Bailey Rae's "Choux Pastry Heart"
(What a beautiful voice and a lovely song...)

Seriously~! Where does it go?!?! It's already mid-July. August is right around the corner, which means Kaia will be turning 3 years old. I can't believe it. When we first moved to Oahu, almost a year ago (So nuts!), Kaia was this sweet, energetic little girl that babbled a lot but wasn't saying a whole lot of sentences quite yet. Now, she's saying anything and everything we say and MORE. She has the most random sayings and comments that constantly catches me off guard and propels me into outrageous laughter. When we first moved here, she was still a baby. She was still in diapers. She was still sleeping in a crib. She was still wearing clothing sizes that had the word "months" after it. Now, she has her own room with a toddler bed, desk for drawing, and couch for reading. She is fully potty-trained [and has been for several months now]. Her clothes reads 3T-4T. She is a big sister now, and an incredible one at that. No longer my baby. At the same time, forever my baby.

Raising children, it's really taken the focus off of me. There are days when I am getting ready for bed and I look into the mirror to see this "mature" woman with dark circles under her eyes, wrinkles around her eyes, mouth, and in the middle of her eyebrows. She looks weathered and a bit unruly, but she looks like someone that is doing something important with her life. I look at Kaia and Alana all day long, never really taking time to be self-consumed as I used to be before having my two little ones, that once I do slow down enough to take a look at myself I'm surprised at the person looking back at me. It seems like I've aged overnight. This past year or so has really taken a toll on us, Nathan and myself. I see it in him. I see it in myself. I always wondered why women aged exponentially after having children. Now I know. Even so, I am blessed. I know that. I am grateful for my girls. They keep me going even when I feel like hiding under my covers and not coming out.

Tomorrow, I'm going in for my initial interview for my citizenship. I am crazy nervous because it costs so much to take this test. I can't imagine having to take it again. We hardly are able to afford it the first time around, but we just thought it was time to make me a U.S. citizen like the rest of our family. I hope I will pass and finally become part of this country on paper. Its about time. Every day seems to be packed with thoughts of things coming up. Things to do. As I get older, and my life gets more chaotic, I hope I'll be able to mindfully take a step back and look at what God has done and is doing here.

Time keeps on ticking no matter how much I want it to slow down or stop at times. I'm just trying to take it in as much as possible along the way.

Some ME time

2011-07-02T02:30:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Vicci Martinez's "Dog Days Are Over" (I was rooting for her all throughout the first season of "The Voice." Awesome~!)

That's what I've been yearning for ever since I had Kaia. I never really seem to get much of it, especially now that I have Alana added into the mix. A huge part of it is that I feel guilty when I take time out for myself, even if it's for just an hour or two. If my kids want me I want to be able to be there for them as much as I can. Even if I'm burnt out and almost ready to fall apart, I feel like I can't take time out. It's my job to be their mom, doctor, entertainer, cook, maid, chauffeur, on and on. I my seamless job, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. I can't just turn it off whenever I want to. I don't have a "shift.." Every shift is my shift.

So yes, there are days when I just completely lose it because I have nothing more to give. Usually on those days, after the girls have been put down for their naps, I sob for a while. I sob into my pillow as silently as humanly possible so that no one will hear me. Then, I collect myself, wash my face, and step out again to endure another stretch of madness until the next meltdown. I have no girl friends here that I can really call on when I'm down. I don't even have Nathan most days because he's so incredibly overwhelmed with all that God's put on his plate lately that he can't handle any more of anything.

I need release, I know that. Unfortunately, I don't have a clue on how to achieve that on a regular basis. A few nights ago, I was starting to feel that need to release. Everything was seemingly going wrong all day and I was mentally and emotionally spent. Nathan and I got into a little argument about me needing to go do something to release some steam. We agreed I needed to get out, so I decided to jog around the block. It did release some tension and stress...but I was thinking about all the things that are burdening me while I was running. On top of that, I had the image of Kaia's eyes welling up with tears as Nathan told her that Mommy was going to go take a walk and that she would have to do her bedtime routine with just Daddy. She kept saying, "No~ I want Mommy..." with tears flowing out faster than I could catch them. I felt guilty the whole time I was out. I don't know how to do this, to somehow balance things out. Is it even possible? I feel like I'm always going to be feeling guilty about taking time out for myself, which means that I won't be able to enjoy the times I do have to myself. Sigh~

Maybe in a few years, when the girls are a bit older, I can leave them without feeling like I'm abandoning them. They'll have their own things going on and won't want me to be around all the time. Until then, I don't know if I'll be able to figure out how to make all of this work, for them and for me.

You so silly (or as Kaia says it, siddy)~!

2011-06-25T02:48:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Madonna's "Like A Prayer"
(We've been watching "The Voice" lately and Frenchie sang this song. It reminded me how much I used to like it growing up.)

Kaia is the funniest person I know. It's the best because she has no idea that she is. I'm always laughing at something she says or does, and she'll look at me with great concern and sincerity while saying, "Mommy, what's so funny?" That makes me laugh even harder.

This past week, Kaia was playing with a squeaky bath toy that one of her grand-aunties gave her. She squeezed it multiple times, and after a few too many the squeaker broke off and fell into the toy. She was so upset that it was broken but we told her we'd see if her auntie could get another one for her. Then, we read her a Bible story, put her into bed, prayed with her, and were saying our good night's and I love you's. Nathan has been starting to ask for a string of kisses lately. He kept kissing her over and over again. She started squealing and blurted out, "Daddy~ Stop it~! My lips are going to get broken." He stopped and we looked at each other and started cracking up. She just lied there and looked completely confused as to why we were laughing so hard.

Then, earlier today we were all in the family room. I was spotting Alana since she's been pulling up on everything and standing all over the place. Then, Kaia came over to us and put her arms around both of us, closed her eyes and said, "I love you guys." It was so sweet and hilarious that she said "you guys."

I can't believe how fast she's growing up. Being a mommy-of-two, and doing it mostly on my own lately since Nathan is incredibly busy and drained with work and working on the house, is seemingly impossible and maddening sometimes, but then Kaia says something so off the wall or sweet, or Alana gives me the best smile in the world, and somehow I am able to go on just a little bit more than I thought I was going to be able to do. God is so good. He knows exactly what i can handle and what I need.

Sin, oh sin, why are you always around?

2011-06-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

Song of the day:

The girls are finally down for their naps. I'm sitting here wondering how in the world we come into the world knowing how to sin so incredibly well. Kaia gives me these looks lately that stops me in my tracks because it is so full of anger and hatred. On top of that, her attitude sometimes is so out of control that I have to take a step back and breathe before I let anything come out of my own mouth. Two wrongs don't make a right, so I do my best not to react to her sinfulness.

She's only 2, going on 3 in a few months, yet she knows how to sin like a pro. She wants to do things her way, when she wants to do them. She hardly ever listens the first time I tell her to do something anymore. She instantly gets defensive whenever I tell her to stop doing something. Where did my little smiley angel go? Who taught her how to grunt, sigh, and roll her eyes? I'm sure I've taught her some of these unbecoming traits, but a lot of it is because we're all naturally good at sinning. It's utterly heartbreaking, the deliberate defiance and self-will.

As much as I can't stand seeing Kaia sin, I see how much of it I see in myself. I have a bit more restraint and social graces than she does since I've learned over the years to hold back certain things, but what goes on in my heart is no less unattractive than what she displays honestly on the outside. I'm constantly complaining in my heart. Even this morning, I got so frustrated with a situation I got into with Nathan. Even after he left I kept thinking about how much I have to hold my tongue back even if I know I'm in the right. Oh so sinful~

We all sin. We will all sin until the day we die. That is quite disheartening to think about. At the same time, I know that somehow God is using all of these moments to shape our hearts and minds to be more like His . Step by step. Day by day.

"I don't want to go to swim class."

2011-06-16T01:04:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Kesha's "Animal"
(I really never liked Kesha or her voice, but this song is AMAZING~! It doesn't really sound like her voice or her style, which is probably why it's the only song I like from her.)

That's what Kaia's been saying almost every morning before heading out to her ISR class. Thankfully, she never fought me hard on actually getting there but she had to try and let her thoughts be known. Tuesday was our last day. Daddy came with us for her last session to get in the pool with her to learn from our instructor on how to continue her progress at home. I got to do it on Monday so I thought it'd be good for him to do it on Tuesday so that we both know the right way to teach and encourage her to strengthen her swimming and rescue skills.

I think she's relieved that she doesn't have to go to be thrown into new situations and water all over the place as she has these past 5-6 weeks, but I also think she misses having something that challenges her every day. We're going out to buy some jigsaw puzzles tomorrow because we've been doing a simple Nemo one that she's getting a little too good at. Maybe that might continue to challenge her. I love that she is just a huge sponge, wanting to soak in everything and anything in life.

When we started ISR 6 weeks ago, I thought that it would be a slow and painful process. Oddly enough, it went by way too fast. When I realized that this was our last week it really caught me off guard. i couldn't believe that all that time had already passed us by. Time just seems to fly by faster and faster with each year. I hope that I'll be able to remember all these moments that are going by at such an alarming rate. I don't ever want to take them for granted.

"Oh no~"

2011-06-08T17:39:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Adele's "Rolling in the Deep"
(Intense and beautifully sung song by the lady.)

Today, we decided to make a COSTCO run as a family since Daddy didn't have to go into the lab today and we were all out of produce. It went as it usually does, with Kaia wanting to walk around, then getting tired and whining to be held, then wanting to walk around again, Mommy having to pick out all the produce by herself since Daddy believes "I'm not as good at it as you are." After all was said and done, we made our way to the checkout stands. Usually, Kaia is sitting in the shopping cart so she ends up handing over the receipt to the person that checks all your purchased goods. This time she was walking since she didn't want to get back in the cart. I was pushing Alana in her stroller so Kaia stayed with Daddy as I slowly made my way to the exit. I suppose Daddy told Kaia to run to Mommy so that we could get the person at the exit to draw her a princess (a lady that works there always draws one for her on the receipt). There were a few people in front of us so we waited for our turn. As we got closer and closer, Kaia started to peer to the side to see who was working today. It was a man. She instantly looked incredibly concerned and distressed, saying out loud, "Oh no...it's a man." I didn't know what she meant by it. I just thought she might be afraid of men so she wanted a woman. It was our turn. She gave the receipt to the man, still looking a bit distressed. Before the man could take a look at all our things Nathan swooped in and asked him if he could possibly draw her a princess. He took a few more seconds than is usually required to check over someone's receipt (there was a small line forming behind us), but seemed to be attempting to draw it and gave it to Kaia. We all said thank you. Kaia said her thank you with a nervous smile. He looked at me and said, "I tried my best," while laughing. As we made our way to the car, I said to Nathan, "I'm sure he's not used to getting requests. It's not a birthday party, you know?" We all laughed. We got all the food and kids in the car and was making our way home when Nathan asked to see the princess the guy drew for Kaia. It wasn't half bad for a stick figure version done in less than 10 seconds. As I was looking at it Nathan asked me, "Did you hear what Kaia said?" I said, "No." He told me that she said, "Oh no...It's a man~!" because she remembered that the lady drew her the princess every time, and when she saw the man standing there instead she was disappointed because he probably wouldn't be able to draw one as well as that lady would. I laughed so hard. It's funny how kids just say the most hilarious things without knowing that they are. We had the best time going to get groceries together. I cherish moments like these much more now than I ever did before because we rarely have them...moments alone as a family of four. God is good.

My bright spots

2011-06-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Elton John's "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me"

Nathan. Alana. Kaia.

They are the constant bright spots in my life. They constantly give me reason to keep going.

Tonight, Nathan and I were sitting on Kaia's couch in her room after getting her ready for bed, reading her a bedtime story as we always do, which usually is a Bible story. The story we read today consisted of various characters so I encouraged Nathan to use different voices [as I always do] to make it more obvious to Kaia which person is talking. He's not used to doing it, so one of his voices sounded like the gingerbread man from Shrek, another one sounded like Stitch from "Lilo and Stitch", and the last one sounded like someone was swallowing a burp. It was hilarious. I was cracking up, but Kaia didn't seem amused.

She just stared at him for a while and then blurted out, "Daddy, read it properly!" I completely lost it. I always tell her to do things "properly" (eat properly, sit properly, lay down properly, etc.), so I guess she realized that Daddy wasn't reading with his normal voice. Haha~ It was too funny.

Alana is just a constant joy. She smiles at me all the time. Whenever I walk into a room, she looks to me and smiles the hugest smile known to man. It can stop wars. She crinkles up her nose and opens her toothless mouth as wide as she can. It's irresistibly adorable.

God has blessed me with so much, especially my family. They keep me grounded and able to persevere through challenging times.

"Make 'em laugh..."

2011-05-29T01:31:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Debbie Reynold's (from "Singin' in the Rain") "Good Mornin'!"

As I've been saying [exponentially more with each passing day] ever since we've moved here, I feel as though sometimes I'm not going to make it through the day. There have been days when I just ran to our room once the girls were down and sobbed into a pillow [as quietly as I could since Alana sleeps in her crib in our room] because I felt so deeply saddened and frustrated with our situation. Even last night, Alana woke up multiple times and wouldn't fall back asleep for almost an hour. I woke up this morning feeling completely exhausted and unable to get my eyes fully open.

Even so, I somehow managed to get through the day. God provided me with incredibly unbelievable joy and energy even in the midst of being extremely tired. There were moments when I put my head down because I couldn't hold it up anymore. Then, I would instantly hear Kaia yelling, "Mommy! Don't sleep!" I couldn't help but laugh out loud and get up to play with her. It's a funny thing, being a mom. My kids are the reason I am so tired, sleep-deprived, and chaotic, but they're also the reason why I have so much joy, zest for life, and pockets of random energy. Odd, I know...but so bizarrely beautiful.

Especially as they're both growing up with each day, they understand more and are able to comprehend the world around them better.

Kaia has so many questions. She wants to know why things are the way they are and who did what and when. It's incredible to watch her taking it all in and realizing that there are so many things going on around her. I can make jokes and she actually gets them now. We laugh together so often. She's the funniest person I know. On top of being hilarious, she is getting more and more affectionate. She constantly gives me kisses and hugs. She tells me how much she loves me and gets upset when I get hurt. It melts my heart to see her compassion and love.

Alana is this powerhouse. Her voice is incredibly loud and strong, as is her body. She pushes, pulls up, kicks, slaps, crawls, stands, and strikes a pose with an alarming amount of strength and control. To think she's only 7 months old blows my mind. She's going to be walking in no time. Her smiles come one right after another. She lights up everyone's day with her cuteness and innocent charm. I fall more in love with her with each day. She is definitely a handful, but I can't imagine my life without my Dimples.

My Twinkles. My Dimples. I love them both so much. They make me take a closer look at myself on a daily basis, all the sin within my heart, and spur me to work at it every day. "It" being living a life that pleases and exemplifies the Lord. How grateful am I...? So very much so...

What I miss most...

2011-05-25T13:58:00.001-07:00

Song of the day: Beyonce's "Run the World (Girls)"
(LOVED the Billboard Music Awards performance of this...A-M-A-Z-I-N-G)

There are lot of things I miss about the mainland, California. I miss the people, my friends, that touched my life. I miss my parents and best friend most. I miss the mild weather that never gets too hot or too cold. I miss having seasons. I miss having to wear a coat or sweater once in a while. I miss driving around without thinking because I know the area well. I miss all the wonderful mommies with kids around Kaia's age that I used to be able to spend time with. I miss being able to order from any company online because they all shipped to us with no ridiculous charges (i.e. we wanted to try and order some cabinets from IKEA online but the shipping said it was a million dollars when we were checking out...basically, impossible). I miss IKEA. I miss Henry's Marketplace and Trader Joe's. There isn't any reasonably priced whole food market here. I miss things not being double the price because of it being shipped in from the mainland. I miss having our own place. I miss so many things.

Oddly though, the thing I miss consistently is yellow sweet potatoes. Haha~ Hawaii only carries purple Okinawan potatoes or yams. I don't care for either very much. I used to eat those yummy yellow sweet potatoes at least 3-4 times a week when I lived in CA. I don't remember the last time I had some. I crave it all the time.

I wonder if I'll ever stop missing what I left behind. Maybe once we move into our own place it'll feel more like "home." That's something I crave more than anything I've ever have in my entire life. I feel so trapped living with the in-laws because it's not our own life. We don't get to have the house the way we would want it entirely. I miss peace and quiet. I miss having evenings with Nathan just cuddling on the couch. I want that for Kaia and Alana too. I want them to not always be surrounded by relatives that spoil them and try to entertain them all the time. It's great once in a while but kids need to learn to have some quiet time as well.

Well, we're slowly starting to put things back into the house. No more tearing down and out. Whew~! It's been almost 2 months of tearing things out, so it's nice to finally be buying things to put back in. It might still be a few months [or more] until we'll actually get to move in, but at least we're moving forward. It gives me a glimmer of hope that we'll get to have our lives back again.

Every weekday, I'm home alone with the girls. Every weekend, Nathan is at the other house all day working on things so I'm home alone with the girls as well. It almost feels like I'm a single parent. I never had to endure this for such a extended period of time. I think about my mom a lot because I remember my dad always being out of the house until dinnertime or later when we were growing up. She raised us pretty much on her own. She never had any downtime. She had no time to just take care of herself, which is probably why she has so many ailments now. I'm slowly becoming my mom. I don't remember the last time I exercised. Thee last time I went out on my own to just unwind. The last time I read a good book. It's been a very long time since I've done anything for myself. Sure, it's not good to do everything for yourself and never think of anyone else. At the same time, I feel like I'm burning out. I don't have a whole lot left to give. I want to give my girls my best but it's been very difficult to do so lately. I'm running on empty.

The truth of God and His promises is what keeps me afloat lately. It's the only thing that really allows me to wake up every morning and embrace my role as Kaia and Alana's mommy (on top of the fact that they're quite sweet and adorable). There are nights when I'm lying in bed, tears flowing out of my eyes, because I just feel so defeated. I wonder what the next day will bring. I have to pray harder. I have to look at my children and realize that none of this is their fault. I need to give them the best of me, which isn't much but they deserve at least that much.

Well, it's time to go and wake up the little one and start making lunch.

Please Lord, give me the strength, wisdom, and patience to be the mom that you will for me to be. Allow me to look outside of myself and see how much my words, actions, and attitude affect my girls...and if you see fit, please provide me with times of rest. Thank you, Father.

Enjoy every moment you're given

2011-05-19T17:53:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know"
(I just feel this song lately...so much tension and frustration within me)

It's a hard thing to do, but I'm learning to embrace that thinking more and more each day. You have to realize that you're not promised tomorrow...or even an hour from now. Something can happen to you or to someone you love. You need to take it all in while you can.

The other night, a few of Nathan's relatives came over to have dinner with us before they headed on over to another relative's house. She just lost her father so they wanted to go over to console her and possibly be of any help during this heartbreaking time. I stayed home with Alana since it was past her bedtime and was already asleep. I was sitting in the family room, making Kaia a "car" (just a rectangle frame that she can sit in and drive as if she was in a car) out of her lego blocks, and it really started hitting me that there has been so much calamity and tragedy in our family in the past year or so. Nathan's grandfather, my mother-in-law's father, passed away. We moved to Hawaii. My grandma moved back to Korea (again). My uncle in San Francisco suddenly passed away. His wife, my aunt, found out she has breast cancer in the midst of grieving over her husband. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. One of our cousins is having issues with conceiving and had to go through surgery and various other serious procedures to try and correct things. Another cousin had and has concerns with her uterus. We bought a house that turned out to be a total gut job. My grandma wants to move back to San Francisco (again). Now, one of Nathan's aunties' father passed away. It's just been absolute and utter chaos. I don't know why it's all happening one right after another, but it's forced me to look at my life and what I treasure most. It's made me think about how much I take in each day. Do I just go through life on auto-speed or do I actually stop from time-to-time to digest all the beauty and wonder about me.

This afternoon, after Kaia's ISR class, we ate lunch together. Kaia was using her spoon to scoop out mouthfuls of the smoothie I made her. Nathan came by after work to pick up some things for H.A.L. (Home At Last), but he had to leave right away. Kaia was all sad that he was saying good-bye as soon as he said hi. She kept saying, "Please, don't leave..." He wanted so badly to stay but had pressing things to tend to, so he left. As soon as the door shut, she opened her mouth in disbelief and dropped her spoon into her cup while holding her hand completely still in mid-air. It was hilarious. It was as though she was so devastated that he actually left that she couldn't move or speak. Moments like that make me smile so big. Especially with how things have been going lately, I really need a pick me up once in every now and then. She's growing up so fast. I'm trying to take it all in.

Hardcore methods

2011-05-10T17:41:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Katy Perry feat. Kanye West's "E.T."
(I love the beat~!)

This week, we started Infant Swim Rescue classes for Kaia. It's a method of teaching infants and toddlers how to swim in life and death situations. We heard about it from this woman that was swimming with her daughter at the community pool at Uncle Nick's place a few months ago. Her daughter, who was probably around 3-4 years old, was going in and out of the adult pool with no fear at all. She was diving into the deep end and swimming vigorously, then flipping onto her back to breathe, then back into the water to swim some more. She was swimming with her eyes open and able to get herself out of the pool as easily as she got herself into it. It was so amazing to see. So, I asked her mother how she had learned to swim so well. That is when she told me about ISR. I looked them up and told Nathan about it. We both agreed that living in Hawaii she would need those kinds of skills. You never know when a rip tide could pull her into the ocean. Plus, we live with grandma and grandpa who have a swimming pool out back. She constantly walks around it with curiosity. One day she might accidentally fall in. So, we decided that it was a good investment to get her to take this class.

We started yesterday. It was INTENSE~! I knew it was going to be somewhat unconventional but it caught me off guard. On her first day, the teacher took her into the water and held onto her while he made her hold onto a railing/bar on the side of the pool. Then, he started to slowly let go and make her grab the bar on her own. Kaia looked terrified. She screamed and cried hysterically. She kept telling him, "NO! NO! NO!" when he would say, "Okay, let's try it again." I wanted to cry. I wanted to rip her out of his arms and tell him he was crazy to make my baby cry like that. I wanted so badly to just jump in there and take her home. Somehow, we both made it through the 10 minutes (This method only requires 10 minutes per day, every day, since it's so intense). It felt like an eternity. He laid her down on this platform right next to the pool and I covered her with warm towels. She just laid there with bloodshot eyes and snot running down into her mouth, coughing and heaving. I told her how proud I was of her and that she did an amazing job. She really did. If I were her, I would have wanted to shun me for allowing that man to do that to me.

It was over and we made our way home. I asked her if she had a good time and she smiled and nodded yes. I was so surprised since it was such a traumatic experience for me to watch her. Through her crying, yelling, frantic grabbing, etc. she had accomplished something. She learned a new skill and seemed really proud of herself. Today was our second day. He did a lot more work on her today than he did yesterday. I thought he'd ease into it with each day, but today he just threw her into it. He had her look at his hand while he held her, then he would put his hand into the water while telling her to "Grab my hand." Then, immediately he would let go of her and let her sink slowly while he held out his hand in front of her. She started kicking and flailing her arms to try and get to his hand so that she could surface again for breath. It was completely baffling to watch how fast she was learning everything. They did that exercise for almost 5-7 minutes. He spent the last few minutes making her grab the railing/bar on the side again like yesterday. This time, he let go of her earlier so she had a longer distance to swim to get to the bar. She looked scared beyond words. She yelled out "Mommy" a few times. It broke my heart, but I kept myself back and just reassured her and cheered her on. She did marvelously. I was overflowing with pride.

She was done and out on the platform again on a pile of towels. She laid in the sun for a while and caught her breath. It was much more intense today. I looked at her and told her how incredible she was and that she should be so proud of herself. She calmed down her breathing after a few minutes and decided to eat and drink something to get her energy back. We sat there watching the next kid go. He's been doing this for 4 weeks now and was still crying out for his mom. Even so, he was swimming like a pro, going from front to back, floating and swimming. I don't think I can ever get used to seeing an infant/toddler swimming that well. It just looks so surreal and bizarre. We watched him for a few more minutes and made our way home. She was all smiles again and even got super excited that she would be able to tell Daddy, Ah-Ma, and Pa-Pa how well she did today.

I've been feeling it for quite some time, but through this class I've come to realize even more that my little baby Kaia is no longer a baby. She is truly such a big girl. She is doing things that I still struggle with learning. God is so good. He is so faithful. He has protected her and watched over her little soul these past 2-3 years and allowed for her to blossom so beautifully. I can't wait for the next several weeks of intense swim training to come. I know she's going to gain so much more than just swim skills. She's going to see all that she is capable of. Oh...my baby girl...

I just can't anymore...

2011-04-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Coldplay's "Yellow"

I really can't. Lately, every morning I dread waking up because I know it's going to be an endless day of juggling everything, or attempting to, and being so full of stress and tension by the end of it that I want to just explode.

Today is a Saturday, and weekends used to mean some relief because I knew Nathan would be home with me to help out a little. Now, every weekend is spent at the other house trying to clean things out before we start to get new things in, which is going to take up every weekend after that. I can see several more months of me being home with the kids day in and day out with no breaks. I don't know if I can do it anymore.

I feel like I'm at the end.

I know I feel that way constantly, but I'm in tears right now because I find myself not wanting to do it anymore. Usually, I just felt like I couldn't do it. Now, there are milliseconds here and there where I find myself feeling like I don't want to do it. I want to just pack my stuff and leave for a week. I want to go somewhere where no one can find or contact me. I want to be still. I want to have quiet. I want rest. I want to just be me for once. I don't want to be needed for this and that all day long. It seems like one minute I'm helping Kaia with a toy or something she's working on because she can't do it on her own. Then, Alana is crying at the top of her lungs to be fed or held. Then, Nathan wants me to get him some water or find him some underwear to wear. All of these things, in and of itself is not a big deal. It's just when it's happening simultaneously, back-to-back, non-stop, all day long it gets to be a bit more than I'm able to handle. All I hear are requests and demands.

They're only 6 months and 32 months old...I have a lifelong journey ahead of me, raising them and dealing with far more difficult and stressful issues. I don't know if I have it in me. There are moments when I wonder why God blessed me with two wonderful daughters. I don't deserve it. I'm probably not the best mommy for them. I lack so much grace, patience, and wisdom. Many days, I feel like the most horrible mother, possibly in the entire world. No matter what anyone else says, I know my heart. I know what's going on within my heart when the kids are acting up, demanding things left and right, and not listening to what I'm telling them to do on any given day.

I feel like I'm failing. I'm failing at being a loving and effective mommy to them. I'm failing at sufficiently nursing Alana. I'm failing at being a good helper to Nathan because I feel like I don't have any room for anything besides being a stay-at-home mom.

Despite what I may sound like right now to some, I love them. I love them more than anything. I love them more than I thought was possible as a human being. At the same time, I'm so sinful and full of weaknesses that hinder me from being the mom that I desire to be for them. It's not their fault. I'm not blaming them or Nathan. My little ones are being exactly what they should be; in need of guidance, assistance, and unconditional love. I'm the problem. It's my fault. I'm not fully capable of giving them what they need, all the time and without any strings attached.

Everything, starting from when we found out we were expecting Alana, up until now has been mayhem, absolute and utter chaos. I wish so badly that I could have a moment to just stop and take a breath. I wish things would stop moving around me. I so badly want to be still...

Got milk?

2011-04-04T16:01:00.001-07:00

Song of the day: Usher's "Burn"

That seems to be the question I have every single day...more like, every single feeding of every single day. One moment, I'm making enough milk to feed Alana to her fullest content. Then the next moment, she's hitting me while feeding probably because there's not enough coming out and she's getting frustrated.

There are days when I just wish this struggle would end one way or another. I wish God would allow for me to completely dry up, not even able to make one drop of milk, so that I could accept it and go with bottle feeding...or that He would allow me to make enough milk every feeding so that I wouldn't have to keep wondering if I should try the bottle again when she doesn't seem satisfied after a feeding. I just feel so in flux.

As moms, and women, we are so hard on ourselves. I know I am. I've always been quite hard on myself, but it's gotten even more so after becoming a mom. I want to be and do the best for my girls. When I'm unable to do that, or at least what I believe is the best for them, I feel like a complete failure. I remember when Kaia was born and I was so engorged when my milk came in. She had a short attached tongue, which made it impossible for her to nurse on my engorged breasts. It was one of the most painful experiences I've had in my life. I sobbed before every feeding because I knew it was going to be excruciating and was so afraid to get her on. I was in so much pain and crying uncontrollably every feeding that my sister suggested that I formula feed her. Even entertaining that thought made me feel like I failed her. I loved her so much and wanted to do the best for her, and I felt like I needed to do it even if it would kill me. I felt like my life was ending, just thinking about the possibility of not breastfeeding her. I look back and I put way too much pressure on myself. With Alana, I thought I would be a little more go-with-the-flow. On the most part, I am a lot more laid back and flexible with her [mostly because I have no choice with another one to take care of]. When it comes to breastfeeding, I am still very hardcore about it. I feel like formula feeding her would be giving her slow-killing poison. Pretty harsh, I know. I don't know why I feel so strongly about it. I may possibly have to formula-feed her eventually, probably some time in the near future, but if I can help it I want to keep her from ingesting something man-made. Sigh~

Why is it so difficult to be a mommy...? My heart breaks with every decision I make for my girls because I worry that it might affect them negatively in the long run. It shows my lack of trust in God. I have too much fear. I know. I pray that with each year I would place less pressure on myself and place more faith in God's plan through me.

A balancing act

2011-04-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway"
(This was my "Song of the day" many years ago when I was living in LA and jobless, but today has been a day when this song resonates with me so well).

Lately...actually, for a while now, I've been trying to balance everything. Ever since Alana's been born, I've been scrambling around trying to make it all work for everyone. I've been trying to make sure that Kaia doesn't feel neglected or second best. At the same time, I have to feed Alana so frequently, and since she doesn't know how to sit up by herself I have to hold her constantly as well. It's hard to know how to make it all balance out. I don't think it's possible.

This past week, I started noticing a huge drop in my milk supply. I think it has a lot to do with the situation I'm in. With Kaia, when I only had her to take care of, was living in our own very generous space, and got to nap whenever she did, I never had any problems with breastfeeding. I had more than enough milk to go around. Even after feeding her for close to 15 months, I had enough to keep her satisfied.

Sadly, with Alana, it's been a whole different story. Ever since the beginning, when Kaia got Alana sick with the cold at barely 2 months and she couldn't breathe through her nose for days, my milk supply has been compromised. Add fatigue from taking care of two kids, not getting to take naps because my toddler is still up when my infant is asleep, living with the in-laws and not having the privacy and luxury of our own place, and lately spending any free time doing demo on our major fixer-upper of a house, it's no wonder my body decided to shut down on me. I cried many nights this week just feeling like such a failure as a mom to Alana. I was able to provide "the best" (breast milk) for Kaia. With Alana, I'm not sure if I'm going to even make it to 6 months. Sigh~ Having babies so close together is a blessing in many ways, especially since they'll probably grow up being the best of friends, but there are also many drawbacks. Never having peace and quiet to feed your infant is one of them. Kaia is always running around, scaring Alana off while she's feeding. It's been rough.

Last night, I went to help Nathan with a leak in our future home at around 11:00 p.m. I was tired, more mentally and emotionally than physically, but gladly went with him. On our way back, we started talking about how things have just gotten harder and harder ever since we found out we were expecting Alana, and then 3 days later having him laid off from his job. Ever since March of 2010, it's been non-stop chaos. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be an end in sight any time soon.

We still have so many things changing all around us still. The house we purchased, thinking we were only going to change out the flooring, give it a good coat of paint, and get new sturdy windows has turned out to be a total gut job. Every corner we turn there is mold. We had to gut the entire kitchen and bathrooms because of mold and other unforeseen issues. I have no idea when or how we are going to get everything done. It feels like just another blow, another setback. I thought we'd be able to move into the house in about 2-3 months since there wasn't anything major to do. Now, since we're basically redoing the entire house from its bare bones, it might take several months...maybe years...sigh~

At this point, after all that we've been through, all I can do is throw my hands up and surrender it all to God. I have no idea what He has in mind, but I'm just done at this point. I have to be honest. I'm upset. I'm exhausted. I'm extremely frustrated. It's so hard to keep my spirits up when these things keep happening to us. I've somehow managed to get through this year-long journey God's put us on, but I'm getting to my breaking point.

Please, God...makes sense of it all for me. Honestly, I'm completely at a loss...

Update: Praise God~! My milk supply has picked up a bit since I started taking naps and not working on the house with the boys during the day. It still changes from feeding-t0-feeding, day-to-day, so I'm not out of the woods, but I'm so grateful for each day that I'm able to provide for my Alana.

Inspirational teachers

2011-03-30T01:17:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Katy Perry feat. Kanye West's "E.T."

The other day, a friend on Facebook sent me a recommendation for another friend...our very own Mr. Fleming~!

He was my 7th grade English teacher. He was one of those teachers that made you believe that there were amazing people out there in the world. He had a way of teaching literature in a way that made even the most painfully slow and complex writings become somewhat enjoyable. He had a very pleasant face, soft and kind. He had wavy hair that made him look very distinguished and intelligent. No matter how much you didn't get something, he was always gracious and patient. Even when he had to raise his voice a handful of times, it was with utmost control and more concern than anger.

His slow-to-anger disposition was greatly displayed in one incident that stands out in my mind. I sat near the back of the class. I became friends with the people I sat around, mostly guys. One of them, Lars, decided to go up to another one of our classmates, Jesse, while class was resuming. He decided he was going to punch him in the face just because he didn't like him and wanted to. Mr. Fleming was writing something up on the board, so he had his back turned toward us. Lars looked at me with excitement and said, "Watch this! I'm going to just walk up to Jesse and punch him in the face." Before I could process what he had just told me, much less react to it, he was already up and literally walk-running up to where Jesse was sitting. He looked down at him and said, "Jesse!", and as he looked up to see who was standing next to him, Lars starting punching him in the face multiple times. Mr. Fleming turned around at the disturbance and his usually relaxed and pleasant face immediately turned into one laden with great concern and alarm. I don't remember if he ran around his desk or jumped over it (in my memory, he jumped over it like Super Man), but he quickly grabbed Lars and asked in a very stern voice what in the world he was doing. Even though he was raising his voice, he didn't seem mean or vicious. He seemed like a very worried parent watching out for his kids. He sent Lars to the principal's office. I remember him looking at me through the little window in the door after he closed it with joy that he had accomplished what he said he was going to do. I remember feeling so taken aback at what he had just done. Mr. Fleming made sure Jesse was okay and resumed with class. He was always so poised. He never seemed to lose his cool. I have nothing but wonderful things to say about my experience in his class, and with him as a teacher.

It's rare to come across a teacher that seems like a human being to you when you're that young. He was one of the very few that felt real to me. I could see that he was a teacher that loved what he was doing and the children he was entrusted to lead. I don't think I knew one person that had bad things to say about him. At that age, we all talk about how horrible our teachers are, how unattractive they are, etc. With Mr. Fleming, all you could hear from people's lips were praises...even till this day.

It made my day to find him on something as silly as Facebook. Most people I find through it are people I've lost touch with for a reason. There are those few gems that I lost touch with because of things that happened to me in the past that forced me to disconnect myself with everyone, that I always mourned over, and was elated to have found them. Mr. Fleming is in a category all by himself. He's someone I always wished I could find to express how much I appreciated him. He's someone I never really personally knew at the core since he was my teacher, but am so grateful that I've been given a chance to learn about who he was back then and who he has become today. Amazing~

I pray that I would be able to have more moments like these before God calls me home. There are people from my past I wish I had told certain things to. I want to be able to do that. It's a part of my "bucket list." One down, a handful more to go.

Renovation Rookies

2011-03-25T03:19:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Keri Wilson's "Pretty Girl Rock"

DIY, baby! It's all about doin' it yourself. Who needs contractors!?! Hm...well, maybe I shouldn't speak so soon.

We finally got a house after seven long months of searching. Now, it's time to renovate. We've been watching DIY Network for months now, watching other people tackle renovations. Some with great success. Some quite disastrous [and possibly fatal]. We'll see how we fare.

We started the day after getting the keys to our place last week. We have chiseled out most of the tiles in the dining area and took down most of the cabinets in the kitchen. I got really demo-happy and took a utility knife and tore out the carpet in the living area.

Update: We got a member from Nathan's dad's church that does a lot of work for them to come over and help us tackle the rest of the tiles. He put us to shame. He did the entire kitchen, utility room, part of the dining area, and the front door area in about a full work day. It would have taken us weeks if we had done it all ourselves.

We started taking down all the cabinets in the kitchen, which took a lot of elbow grease. Today, we went at night and I got to use a crowbar to get the trim off all the kitchen counter tops. It was a lot of fun. It took some force and effort, but I really like doing this stuff. I knew in my head that I would probably like it, but I wasn't sure how it would turn out once I actually got into it. I really like it. I can see myself becoming a renovation junkie.

Tomorrow, we're planning to pound out all the tile on the kitchen counter tops (we would have done that tonight but we didn't want to make so much noise and upset the neighbors) and hopefully get the rest of the kitchen cleared out so we can start punching out the wall in between the living area and the kitchen. I can't wait~! It's the part of the house [layout] that bothers me the most so I can't wait to get rid of it.

One thing we did was we bought boxes of Leonard's malasadas and went door-to-door to all the neighbors around us to introduce ourselves and apologize in advance for all the noise that we'll be making because of the renovations. This house has been vacant for over a year so it's going to be a lot of work. We got to meet some really nice people. There aren't any young couples or any kids for Kaia to play with, but there is one elderly couple across the way that said that their granddaughter comes to play in their pool every week, so maybe we'll get to meet them some time down the line.

I'm excited. With every day that we pound something down, screw something off, peel something away, I can really envision what we're going to put in place of it. I know we can't afford anything fancy, probably all basic things, but it'll be clean, livable...and ours. I can't believe it. We have a home. It's just a matter of time we'll be able to move our things in, settle down, and start our lives, finally. We've been in transition these past 7-8 months [living with the in-laws and having our stuff in boxes everywhere], so it's going to be so sweet once we can actually feel like there's some stability and normalcy in our lives. Sigh~ I really can't wait...

Devastation with no end in sight

2011-03-12T15:57:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Dr. Dre feat. Eminem's "I Need a Doctor"

I can't believe all the destruction and devastation that is happening to the people in Japan. The earthquake wasn't even the most tragic event in this past weekend. It's the tsunami and the nuclear meltdowns. I can't fully apprehend what is going on over there. All I can think about is complete chaos and heartbreak. Every time I watch coverage on what has happened and what is still going on over there, I can't help but tear up. I can't imagine that happening to us over here. It seems like there's something else they have to worry about on top of all that's already been dealt to them. There seems to be no end in sight. There's no time to collect themselves, grieve their losses, and take steps to gain their lives back. It's been blow after blow after blow.

I'm sitting here on the couch, tired but comfortable. I have no real immediate fears. My kids are sound asleep, safe and warm. My husband is sitting right next to me, working on slides for church. Right now, people in Japan are scrambling for their lives. They're mourning the ones they've lost. They're wondering what's around the corner. They're wondering if their lives will be taken in the days to come, or if they will be spared.

Having been spared from a truly serious tsunami here in Oahu just a day ago, I feel overwhelmed with emotions of wanting to embrace each day that much more. That night, when we were on tsunami watch, I couldn't think about anything else but what might happen to us...our children. I kept thinking, "They're too young to die." Then, when we woke up and realized that the water didn't rise that much I kept thinking, "If not this time, when will the next tsunami watch be? Will it be worse next time?" It's so easy to be filled with worry and anxiety thinking about natural disasters that can make its way out of nowhere and turn your world upside down, literally. We're out of control. We are at the mercy of God. All we can do is do our best to prepare for the worst, hang onto each other, and pray that we'll live to see another day.

I've been praying throughout the day and night for the people of Japan, that they would cling to the Lord for strength and hope. That if they don't know the Lord, they would see this time in their lives as an open door to come before Him. I pray that they would see how little we have to live for without the everlasting hope of the truth. I can't even begin to fathom how I'd function without the Lord's hand over my life. I would have meltdowns all the time. I wouldn't know what to do with myself, knowing that death is inevitable in the journey of life. It's just about when and how.

Today is a gift. I feel that quite often. There are times in my life when things seem to be in a lull and I take each day for granted, forgetting how much I've been given. Then, something like this happens and reminds me yet again that I am blessed to be alive. I am blessed to have my loved ones around me and in my life still. May I never forget this feeling.

Like a disaster film

2011-03-10T23:55:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: PCD's "Let the Worshipers Arise"

That's what comes to mind right now.

We had put the girls down for the night and come out to the kitchen. Nathan's mom was watching the news and to our horror Japan had been hit with an immensely devastating earthquake, which led to a tsunami with water flow going as fast as 500 mph. I felt paralyzed as I watched the footage of all the damage from the earthquake and the tsunami taking out cars and anything else in its path as if it were nothing but a piece of paper. It looks like some special effects in an "end of the world" blockbuster movie. Tears filled my eyes and sorrow overflowed my heart as I thought of all the people affected by this. I thought about people losing their loved ones.

Since we're close to Japan Oahu is under tsunami watch. It's supposed to hit around 3:00 a.m., so we're just watching the news and waiting on instructions. A tsunami siren has already gone off once tonight. It's my first experience with this sort of thing, so my heart is heavy and laden with worry. I keep thinking about what my plan will be. I'll grab the girls. That's all I can think of. I have to make sure they're okay and not scared no matter how scared I may feel inside.

Nathan, Nick, and my in-laws don't seem very worried. They are making jokes around me. They have gone through these watches one too many times, only to have maybe a tiny 1-2 inch ripple reach them. I, on the other hand, have never experienced this before so I am very anxious and tense.

I wonder what will happen tonight. Nothing is given. Tomorrow is not promised to us. No matter what happens, I know that God is in control. God is good. His will is perfect. He is sovereign. I have to hold fast onto those truths.

Maybe nothing will happen tonight. Maybe everything will be business as usual. Maybe all of this will have been a waste of time and energy. Even so, my heart breaks for all those that have been affected by all of this...for their homes they may have lost...for the lives that may have been taken...for the ones who have lost everything.

FInally, the end to our seemingly aimless house hunt...

2011-03-02T03:04:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Justin Bieber's "Pray"
(The words are so piercing because we truly have so much and don't think enough of the fact that "people are dying, children are crying...")

...or at least I hope. Earlier in the day, Nathan heard from the bank that our loan got approved. I'm still in disbelief. Nathan was ecstatic and came out of his home office to give me a big hug. I just stood there, smiling awkwardly, and not knowing exactly how to feel. Yes, I am so very grateful that things worked out with the loan. Even so, I feel like I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop any second. Until we've signed the papers on the property and the key is turned over to us, I don't think it'll be something that feels real to me. I don't think I can really celebrate until those keys are in our hands.

If all goes well and we do get this place, we still have quite a long road ahead of us. So much needs to be done before we can actually move in. So many things need to be cleaned (hardcore action because it's absolutely filthy), fixed, completely torn out and replaced, and made safe enough for our family to live in. Since this place was over our budget, we don't have a whole lot to work with when it comes to renovating, so we're going to attempt to do most [if not all] of the work ourselves. We've been watching all the renovation shows on DIY Network and HGTV. It's quite scary the things that can go wrong if you don't know what you're doing. Unfortunately, we don't know what we're doing. None of us have really worked on anything beyond painting a few walls. It should be interesting.

Despite all the good things that may be to come--a place of our own, the ability to "make it our own", our own space to invite people over, etc.--I'm sometimes afraid that we might get caught up in all the things we're doing to make this house a home that we may forget why we wanted it in the first place...that we might lose track of our God who has allowed for us to be blessed with it. We wanted a bigger place so that we could have enough space to house guests that may come to visit and, on a more regular basis, open it up for whatever uses the church may need it for (i.e. baby showers, Bible studies). I just hope that we don't lose sight of those things and start to get so invested in this place that it becomes our idol.

Well, it's the end to another crazy long day. It just never seems to get easier. I guess that's life. God never promised an easy and simple life if we were to take up the cross and follow Him. He promised to work out His will through us, putting His glory and truth as number one. I have to keep that in mind. This life isn't about me. It isn't about my children. It isn't about our family. It isn't even about my walk with God. It's about how He could use the life He has given me to further His kingdom...to bring His light into a world that seems to get darker by the day.

A screw loose

2011-02-28T00:05:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Adele's "Rolling in the Deep"

I definitely had a screw or two loose today. I woke up incredibly tired and raw because Alana spent a good part of the night flipping herself over to get gas out, only to start crying when she couldn't flip herself back. Then, the rest of the time she woke up hungry but would start crying hysterically once I tried to put her on. She had too much gas and couldn't handle nursing while trying to expel all the pressure in her tiny little tummy. I did what I could--massaging her tummy, pumping her legs, patting her back, positioning her in various ways to relieve some of it, etc.--but she yelled out with pain every single feeding. By the morning time, we were both tired, stained with tear marks, sticky from sweat, and absolutely defeated.

Thankfully, we made it out to church. Then came that time again, to go in for a feeding. I usually feed her at the back of the auditorium with my nursing cover, but decided that going to the car would be more wise since Alana's been so extremely fussy during feedings for the better part of this past week and weekend. Feeling tense for what seemed inevitable, I laid her down on my lap and under the nursing cover. She instantly started crying out loud. I tried to calm her and position her in a way that she might feel more comfortable. She fed for a few minutes here and there, but started to go into a full-blown crying/screaming episode again. She couldn't be consoled. She writhed around and grabbed fistfuls of my neck and chest as she tried to get out of my arms. We were both sweaty, exhausted, and done. After church, I decided to try again since she was sucking on my shoulder as I held her. Unfortunately, she started fussing again. She was feeling so much discomfort that she started hitting me with her fists to try and get away from feeding. I felt myself snap inside. I put her down on the bed and walked over to the other side, grabbed Nathan's pillow, and screamed into it for a good 15-20 seconds. I sat down on the bed and sobbed a little. I felt so completely done.

Breastfeeding wasn't easy with Kaia, but it definitely wasn't as difficult as it has been with Alana. It seems like every time we get over one hurdle, something else comes up that threatens my milk supply and ability to nurse her for at least a year. I want to provide that for her, but I question if we'll be able to make it. It seems like there's always some issue with her and my breastmilk that keeps me guessing as to how we're going to make it through these next several months. As sad as it is, I don't enjoy it. I know it's a bonding experience, and there are times when she stares up at me while she's nursing and my heart melts. I do love holding her warm little body next to mine, smelling her baby smell so close to me. At the same time, there isn't anything about the actual breastfeeding that I really gain pleasure from. I do it because I want to give my little ones the best of me. When I weaned Kaia at 15 months, I was relieved and thrilled that it was over. I was ready to get my life back. I was ready to eat whatever I wanted without having to always think about how it's going to affect my baby. I was ready to not have to stop wherever we were and look for a place to nurse her while everyone else resumed having fun. I didn't enjoy having to feed Kaia in bathroom stalls because there were no facilities for breastfeeding moms when we were out somewhere. I didn't enjoy having milk stains all over my clothes at all times. I didn't miss having to not wear itchy breast pads so that I wouldn't leak through. I didn't miss "letting down" without any warning while out with others. Let's just say, I was celebrating when Kaia was done with Mommy's milk. Sadly, I'm looking forward to having this year go by so that I could wean Alana as well.

As much as I don't enjoy breastfeeding, I can't say that it was that alone that made me snap. I know I've said this many times since we've moved to Oahu, but I just feel like a pressure cooker ready to pop its lid on any given day because of all that has happened to us. Back to back to back. It just never seems to end. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm always tense. I wake up with my teeth clenched and jaw throbbing. I have severely disturbing and heartbreaking dreams almost every night lately. I feel so utterly lost at times. I feel like I can't take anymore. After screaming into the pillow earlier, I prayed out loud while I was sobbing. I cried out, asking God why He was allowing things to keep happening to me. I got angry at Him, yelling out, "Why can't you just give me a break??? Why does everything have to be so hard???? WHY???"

I know in my heart that His will is being played out through my life. He isn't trying to make me depressed, heartbroken, frustrated, and upset. He's not trying to make my life miserable. He's just doing what was already planned for my life so that His glory would be magnified. I know that...but, when I'm in the moment of all the chaos and emotions I just feel betrayed by Him. I feel like He's allowing these things to happen to me because He doesn't care enough to watch out for me. Foolish, I know. That is why I'm a sinner in desperate need of His grace and truth. Sigh~

I truly feel like I am a toy with a screw loose. I feel like with any movement, especially a big one, I'll just come undone. I'll pop out and fall apart. I wish I could say that turning 30, having lived so many years of my life so far, has strengthened me greatly. I wish I could say that I don't let things get to me. I can't, and I do. AhhhH~ I need self-control. I need to meditate on His Word more. I need to pray more. I need to breathe more. I am in great need of a whole lot that I can't seem to get a hold of on my own...

Broken

2011-02-23T23:58:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Keri Wilson's "Pretty Girl Rock"
(I didn't like this song, but Nathan got into it and started playing it all the time. Now, I actually really like it. It's funny how he has such a big influence on me even in the smallest of things after 5 years of being married. It's so beautiful~)

That's what I would be if I were to ever lose Nathan.

I knew in my heart that I would be devastated if Nathan were to die, especially it was before we were old and gray. Even so, I never was able to put that into something tangible since it hasn't happened, thankfully.

Unfortunately, the other night I had a dream that he did die. The dream started off with me having just heard that he was no longer with us. It was just assumed I knew how it happened. My heart felt like it wasn't fully beating. My head felt light. It felt like my heart was a overflowing dam, ready to break open with even the smallest drop of water. I wanted to cry every moment. I sobbed, then stopped to think about him...then sobbed some more. I looked around and everything reminded me of him. I was filled with so much fear as to what life would be like without his laughter...without his hand to hold...without his arms to fall into...even now, I'm tearing up as I relive my dream. I thought about how our daughters would never fully know how wonderful their Daddy was. I thought about how he would never see our girls get married, have children of their own...he was supposed to be right by my side to go through every tragedy and triumph that might come our way. He was supposed to be around to see how much more we could love God and each other with every passing year. He wasn't supposed to leave us so early. He wasn't supposed to leave me with an empty heart. He wasn't supposed to make me love and depend on him so much, only to leave me behind...

I was broken. I was completely and utterly shattered. I had no idea how I would ever be whole again. The entire dream was just me going through the emotions of having lost him. I woke up in tears. I realized it was a dream and started sobbing. Thankfully, Nathan was sleeping with Kaia that night [because she's been having nightmares/night terrors for the past few days]. I would have woken him up and probably freaked him out.

I have no idea why I had the dream. I just know that ever since having it, I am much more appreciative of Nathan, including all of the things that I view as flaws. I used to find his constant random whistling annoying. It made me think of old men that just aimlessly walk around whistling. I used to get so grossed out by him passing gas all the time. I'm still not fond of it, but that's a part of who he is. I used to think that him clobbering me with hugs and kisses (if you know how big he is, you know my pain) was so irritating. Now, I look at those things and can't imagine my life without it. I don't want to.

God has blessed me with an amazing man for a husband and best friend. Sure, he's a sinner with shortcomings like anyone else. Overall, he is a wonderful person that brings so much joy and warmth to my life. I am so grateful that God saw fit for us to become one. Every event in life has incredibly more meaning and pleasure because he is a part of it with me. Even watching something funny on t.v., when he's not right there laughing along with me it's just doesn't seem all that funny. God has given me one of his beautiful children to be my anchor in this otherwise tumultuous life.

I pray that I would hold onto this feeling, that I wouldn't take Nathan for granted. I pray that I would see him with new eyes every morning. God's will is set in stone. I don't know how many years He has set out for us, so I need to be filled with immense gratitude every single day that He has given me with my husband. Today might be my last with him. I may not have tomorrow, so I want to make sure that I take every chance to show him how I truly feel about him...to take as much of him in as I can so that I have that much more to hold onto once he's not there to hold onto anymore.

13 going on 30

2011-02-15T01:32:00.001-08:00

Song of the day: Justin Bieber's "Never Say Never"

Today, I turned from being in my twenties to entering the world of the thirties. I can't believe that I'm 30 years old. I feel like I'm still such a kid in so many ways. I'm still this insecure, lost, self-absorbed, people-pleasing, dorky little girl inside. I may have aged and wised up in some ways, but when I’m all by myself, alone with my own thoughts, I am still that aimless teen that I used to be years ago.

This morning, I woke up to Nathan walking in with Kaia, a bouquet of red tulips in hand. She came up to me and said, "Happy birthday, Mommy" with the sweetest little smile I have ever seen.

Then, we all went to this lovely little place called Cafe Kaila's, including Nathan's parents. It was such yummy breakfast food.

Then, we went to go ice skating at Ice Palace. I haven't gone ice skating in over a decade, so I was really excited. I had so much fun just going super fast around the rink whenever Kaia got tired of skating with me. It was her first time, and although she was slipping and sliding all over the place, she did wonderfully. She only cried once when she fell on her bottom. Other than that, she stood her ground and held onto my hands. We even got to spin around a bunch of times. I also discovered that I’m actually better than Nathan at something athletic. He was fumbling around like an old man. Haha~ It was nice to see him out of his element for a change. I’m usually the one not knowing what I’m doing. For once, I looked like the pro. I took it all in because I know it’s not going to happen again for a long time.

After that, we went to go meet Uncle Nick in Waikiki to eat lunch at Wasabi Bistro. It was scrumptious Japanese fare. Kaia had chicken katsu. I had zaru soba with inari and tempura on the side. Yummers~ Nathan had fried oysters. Uncle Nick had spam musubi and a type of fried chicken. It was amazing. Stuffed to the brim, we headed home to all take much needed naps.

Upon waking up, just our family of four made our way to Old Spaghetti Factory in Ward. Kaia loves pasta so we decided it'd be a good place to go to. We all had different pastas and an appetizer of spaghetti squash with marinara sauce and cheese on top. It was delicious. Completely filled and so content, we went home to put the girls down for the night. When we arrived, Nick and Nathan's parents were waiting with a carrot cake from Diamond Head Bakery (the best!!!) all lit up with candles. I felt so blessed. This entire day was so lovely [and decadent].

To be honest, when I envisioned my 30^th birthday years ago it wasn’t anything like what it actually turned out to be. I thought I might still be single, possibly seriously dating someone. I thought my best friend and I would go skydiving. Then, I would fly to New York to see my sister, hit up tons of cute shops all day, eat some delightful grub, hang out with some friends painting the town red, then end up in a swanky, chic bar/lounge/club and dance our hearts out the entire remainder of the day [and night]. Or, I thought maybe I would get my closest friends and family together and go on an extravagant trip somewhere, maybe somewhere in Europe or some exotic island. It’s funny that none of that happened. It was a very low-key, laid back, cozy birthday.

30. Still can’t quite grasp it. I’m 30…about the age my mom was when we all moved to America from Korea. She moved her entire life out of her “home” into this foreign land where everyone spoke a language she didn’t understand. I remember her taking the bus to go to school in order to learn English so that she could keep up with us as we were learning English at school. She woke up earlier than everyone in our house to pack lunches for all of us, including my dad, and make a healthy breakfast for us to eat. She had no friends to talk to. My dad was hardly around because he was busy with his business. All she had was us. I think about all she was going through at this age, and I feel so completely spoiled and childish in comparison.

I have gone through some “stuff” in my life, as has everyone else. I grew up near a ghetto, which caused me to be in harm’s way one too many times. I’ve had a gun put to my head when I was a little girl. I’ve been threatened and constantly had things stolen from me. I went through a lot of pointless relationships with guys that cared about nothing but trying to put me on their list of conquests (tough luck). I had girls that I thought were my best friends stab me in the back over and over again. I was in a verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive relationship, that started turning into a physically abusive one as well, for close to two years. I look back at all of it and it’s definitely shaped the way I am today. I’m a bit guarded when it comes to meeting new people. I let them in enough to know the surface of who I am, but can’t seem to allow them to see all the deeper layers until time and trust is developed. I am very passionate about any sort of abuse, especially those against women and children. I always think about the fear and pain I went through when I was in that situation. I’m rough around the edges because of things I’ve faced growing up. I wish I could be as wide-eyed and trusting as I was when I was younger, but it’s become difficult to do so with all the baggage within my heart.

Even so, there are parts of who I am that I feel hasn’t really evolved too much over the years. I still love dancing around in the room by myself. I love really loud dance music. I can’t stand it when people aren’t punctual. I bite my nails [or the skin around them] or my lips when I’m anxious or stressed out. I absolutely adore songs by Justin Bieber and other young artists because it reminds me of simpler, more tender times. I cry while watching almost every movie, including comedies and animations, and commercials. If it has an ounce of human emotion in it, I’m in tears. I care what people think about how I look. Not as much as I used to, but I still struggle with it from time to time. I always feel fat. I type pretty much the same way as I used to in high school, using “hehe” and “kewl” (instead of cool) constantly. One of my favorite things to snack on is pretzels. Whenever I have a zit or pimple I can’t seem to leave it alone. I part my hair the same way I have for over fifteen years. I love puppies and can’t get enough of them. When I get hurt, I cry like I did when I was a little girl, lips pouting and sad drawn out sobbing.

I wish I could say that I’ve grown in every way over the years. I wish I could say I’ve got it all figured out. Unfortunately, I’m far from it. Turning 30 makes me think about the Jennifer Garner film, “13 Going On 30” because I feel the way her character did. It feels like overnight I was thrown into this life as a mother, wife, resident of Oahu…most days I wake up feeling like I’m still that teenager hoping and dreaming that my life will be glamorous and exciting when I’m 30. I’m there now and it’s not what I thought it would be, but I can say that my life is quite exciting. My two girls keep me on my toes on a minute-to-minute basis. My husband makes me laugh out loud and glad that he’s by my side through this crazy journey of life.

Yeah, I never got to pursue a glamorous job. I was a teacher, nanny, and front desk girl at 24 Hour Fitness before I became a mom.

I never got to be that girl that hits up chic bars for happy hour and order a fancy drink. I went straight home and drank water.

I never got to be the girl that dresses up every day for work. I wear sweats, robes, “stretchy pants”, tank tops, t-shirts, shorts, and Hawaiian dresses. Far from “Devil Wears Prada” attire.

I never got to travel to exotic places with my friends. The most exotic place I’ve ever been is Oahu, and now I live here.

I didn’t get to do a lot of things that I sometimes wish I had done. Even so, I know what I have done and do have, which is more than I could have ever wished for. I have two little girls that will call me mommy for the rest of their lives. I am their comfort and go-to person when they get hurt, scared, or sad. I get to watch them grow into beautiful women [of God, hopefully]. I get to live out the beauty of childhood alongside them. I’m married to a man that I wholeheartedly trust and love. He loves me no matter how hard it may be to do so. He makes me feel like at least one person in this world thinks I’m the most gorgeous person in it. I am saved. I have salvation in Jesus Christ, and the hope that the truth brings upon all those who believe. I have so much…more than I deserve…more than I could have asked for.

So yes, I may have missed out on some things that my single friends get to do. At the same time, I get to do this. I get to live my life every day. This is the life He gave me. This is the life He perfectly orchestrated and placed together. I can’t complain. I mean, I still do when things seem to wear on me, but when I take a step back and look at how my life has turned out after 30 years, I really can’t complain. God is good. I look forward to this next decade of my life, and how the events of it will shape me as a person, woman, mother, friend, daughter, and child of God.

Just breathe...

2011-02-12T00:11:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Bruno Mars' "Grenade"

That's what I need to tell myself a lot lately: "Just breathe..."

I find myself falling apart most days. I can't seem to get it together. This entire week has been endless clean ups of Kaia's potty accidents during the day and night. I'm tired. I smell. I'm frustrated. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Nathan left for the men's retreat with the men at Harbor Church this afternoon. I urged him to go because I really want the leader of our household to get more involved with the other men of the church. I want him to have community and accountability with fellow brothers again. I want him to have someone to play basketball with. I really want him to find brothers that he could absorb a lot of wisdom and encouragement from. So yes, even though a huge part of me was scared out of my mind to be alone with our girls for two days, my desire for him to attend was far greater.

Today, after Bible study, which was a good time for Kaia and myself, we went home and went down for a nap. When Kaia woke up [only an hour later], Daddy was home. So, we got to spend an hour or two with him before we had to head out (we went to Cyndi's house for dinner with other wives that had their husbands go to the retreat as well). A little bit before we had to leave, Kaia started whining and crying while I was holding Alana. I thought she was just being her fussy self again, but then she started looking panicked and looked like she was starting to push. I quickly picked her up and took her to the potty. She fought me on sitting on it. I was trying to get her to sit but she was arching her back and stiffening up her body so it was almost impossible to get her settled down. Finally, she started crying out loud while poo-poo dropped into the potty from her semi-standing/squatting position. I immediately started praising her non-stop. Slowly, she sat down and finished the rest of her business. We brought out her "poo-poo treats" (it's just yogurt covered raisins that she helped me pick out as her reward for when she goes number 2 on the potty) and let her eat two of them. She instantly smiled through her tears. It was the FIRST time she did that fully in the potty. Usually, we find it already in her underwear or we catch her but a little too late so there's already some that has come out on her clothes. I was so proud of her.

I went to the wives gathering with high hopes and a joyful spirit. It was relaxing...at first. Kaia ended up having two pee-pee accidents in two hours time. It was a bit embarrassing (mostly because Kaia had an accident at Cyndi's place just a few days ago...just felt so bad for leaving stains all over) and extremely frustrating. She hardly has accidents at home, but for some reason when we're at Cyndi's house she decides she doesn't want to try and go in the potty. She much rather go on herself and then freak out in tears.

I know she's only a little girl. She has a lot of living to do. She'll get it in due time. I know that. I guess I just am such a control freak about certain things that if it doesn't work out the way I wanted it to, in the time frame I wanted it to happen in, I lose my grips on my emotions. I get so stressed out. I almost feel like I'm going to burst at times from the frustration I feel. I pray that I would really work on that in my heart.

Something else...ever since we moved here, I haven't been without Nathan by my side for more than several hours. Not a day. Not two days. He works from home and only goes into the office every few weeks or so. I've gotten used to having him around a lot. I already miss him. I already feel so sad that I'll be going to bed by myself and waking up the same way. I miss my best friend. I miss my love. I miss my Cutie.

Raw

2011-02-07T00:05:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Black Eyed Peas' "The Time (Dirty Bit)"
(Kaia is really into this song lately. Nathan was playing it in the car one day and sang out loud, "Dirty bit!" and she repeated him. Ever since then, she gets all worked up when she hears the song.)

That's how I feel lately. Completely raw.

Kaia's potty training, and although she does amazingly with going to the potty to pee-pee, she hasn't really done the other deed much at all yet. She keeps going in her sleep. It's frustrating, quite disturbingly disgusting, and draining having to clean all her sheets, clothing, toys in her bed, etc. as well as give her a full body shower all while she's crying at the top of her lungs because she knows it's not a good thing she's done, all when I'm barely awake myself.

Alana is still feeding every 2-3 hours and doesn't seem to be slowing down any time soon. She's starting to yell, not coo. She grunts and shouts constantly when no one is able to pay attention to her. She's outgrowing everything at an alarming rate, especially her bouncy seat. She's almost flipping herself out of it, even with the safety belts strapped on. Just like Kaia, she resists being held in certain ways. She is always trying to climb on me with her feet or claw at me with her hands. I have scrapes on my neck from her grabbing it full force.

I'm not sure what it is, whether it's because she started potty training and seems to be holding her poops in as long as possible until she has to let it out at night in her bed or because she's just getting to that age where she's difficult, but she's been testing me incredibly lately. I find myself wanting to just break down and cry some days. There are days when she just whines non-stop, pulling at me, trying to get rid of Alana in any way possible, and gives me endless stink eyes accompanied by some major attitude. I love her so much, but she's been wearing away at me lately.

There are other things just weighing heavily on my heart. We still haven't heard about our loan, nor have we heard back from the bank if they would give us any amount of credit on the property. If we do get this place, there's so much we have to fix to make it safe to live in. I still don't feel like I have a niche here. I don't have anyone I can call on when I've just had one of those days and need some girl time. There's just so much I need to be in prayer for lately, especially Nathan. He's been overloaded with work, with his parents, with unforeseen circumstances (i.e. someone crashed into his car and knocked off his side mirror and didn't leave a note), and all the things to do with purchasing a house.

Raw. That's all I can say when someone asks me how I'm doing lately. I'm just so raw. My nerves are raw. My emotions are raw. My body is raw. I'm just tired. I need to find my rest in the Lord. I need to cling to Him more than ever because there are just moments when I feel as if I'm about to drown.

God has blessed me with so much, especially my two girls, but I just can't get past the negatives at times. I just let it weigh me down and drag my hopes along with it. I pray not so much that my situation would change, but that my heart would. I pray that He would do radical and amazing things within my heart and mind and allow me to see the big picture. His big picture.

No more diapers!

2011-02-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Katy Perry's "Firework"

I can't believe it! We're in the middle of our second day of potty training. Kaia's seemed interested in trying for more than half a year now. She just didn't seem motivated. She would tell us that she needed to go potty, only to sit and smile at us as if it were a game of fooling Mommy and Daddy to think she really needed to go when she didn't. I felt a bit of pressure to potty train her from time to time since other people her age were starting, but there have been so many people I've known that have forced the issue before the child was fully ready and willing to participate, which led to a drawn out process full of tears and frustration for everyone involved. I didn't want that for Kaia or myself. I wanted it to be a joyful experience, a passage of being a baby into a big girl. Kaia showed so much readiness in the past month--not wanting to have us put on her diapers, taking off her diapers, complaining when her diaper was full, sitting on the potty for fun, etc. So, I decided that I would start her starting yesterday on the 3-day program. So far, she's only had one accident. It was my fault because I was talking on the phone and not paying attention to her cues. She didn't have any accidents all night last night. I woke her up a few times after we put her down for the night, and she went each time with no protest and went straight back to sleep after each time. She was dry in the morning~! I leaped for joy and danced around with her, telling her how proud I was of her. Hopefully, we'll have a repeat performance tonight.

It's amazing how fast kids learn things. As adults, we're so hardened and loaded by whatever nonsense we've accumulated in our systems over all the years that it's so incredibly difficult to learn something new and have it stick. I remember I would be able to mimic voices, scenes, dance routines, etc. by just watching it a handful of times. Now, I can watch the most simple things and not be able to mimic it for my life even after watching it hundreds of times. It's so depressing. I look at Kaia, all that she's learning lately, and I am so thrilled for her. I can't imagine what she's feeling as she goes through these huge milestones in her life. I do see the satisfaction and joy she feels from being able to do everything the way Mommy and Daddy does. She loves trying to imitate everything we say and do. It's so scary at times how fast she catches on, and how she doesn't seem to forget anything. We have to be even more careful with our speech and conduct. Haha~

I pray that after tomorrow we'll be diaper free forever for Kaia. I pray that she would find the confidence and motivation to keep on with her wonderful job at going to the potty every time she feels the need (it's the best when she tells me she has to go poo-poo in a panicked voice, only to sit on the potty and let out a fart, in which case she looks up at me with a huge guilty smile and says, "Ooops, I farted."). I've been so blessed with such lovely children. They both have so much heart and love to give. I pray that they would never lose that.

So proud of my big 2 1/2 year old girl!!!

Such a different life I lead

2011-01-31T15:27:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Celine Dion's "Beauty and the Beast"
(Kaia's been really into Disney for quite some time now, but she saw "Beauty and the Beast" once on t.v. and couldn't get over the song. She kept telling me how nice it was, and asks to hear it whenever she is reminded of that movie. We listened to it today and she kept saying, "Thank you, Mommy..." in the most genuinely grateful and sweet voice ever.)

It's been 6 months since we moved to Oahu. I can't quite grasp that reality. It's gone by so fast to some respect...at the same time, it's gone by so painfully slow in most other ways.

When we first moved here, Kaia's birthday was only days away. She just turned 2. She was using a lot more words but not putting any real sentences together. Now, she is speaking to us all day, negotiating with us, making jokes, and telling us how much she loves us and misses us when we're gone. We can actually hold a decent conversation now. It's quite amazing~

We moved into Nathan's parents' home. We went from having a huge house all to ourselves, living the way we wanted, having all the luxuries of our own things and the comfort of doing things the way we wanted, to being long-term guests in someone else's house. All our stuff is in boxes in the storage shed. We have no idea where anything is. We had to learn to adapt to the ways that Nathan's parents are used to and want their house to run.

I was 6-7 months pregnant. Now, Alana is out and 3 months old. She's holding her head up so well and even standing with help. She coos so loudly and sleeps so well throughout the entire night. She chuckles, laughs, smiles, and squeaks (both my girls sound like squeak toys when they laugh really hard) constantly.

When I first arrived here, I wasn't sure I would find anyone I could relate to. I didn't think anyone would accept me because I'm more of a city girl than an laid back islander (to which I say, it's a misconception that people in Hawaii are more chill...SO not true). Now, we're attending Harbor [for 4-5 months now], starting to serve, getting to know more of the members, etc. When we first started going out, Kaia cried hysterically every time we dropped her off at the nursery. She would cling to us for dear life and cry for a good ten minutes before being able to settle down and play with the other kids. Now, Kaia's starting to feel comfortable with some of the nursery workers and other mothers that we have play dates with. She tells me, "Nursery? I go to nursery, and no cry." Haha~ I, too, don't pout as much about going to a new church. Harbor is quite different from the two churches I've been committed to in the past, so I was comparing a lot of things in the beginning. I still tend to do that when new things come up, but I'm not as stuck on it anymore.

One thing that hasn't changed a whole lot is our living situation. We're still living with Nathan's parents. We are very close to closing on a foreclosure really close to Nathan's family. We're just waiting for the loan approval...hoping it'll all work out. If it all goes through, we'll be able to move in sometime in March or April.

So much has changed. So much has happened. I definitely don't think I'm the same person I was half a year ago. The struggles we've gone through, tears I've shed, arguments we've had, small and big decisions we had to make, sin issues we had to deal with...all of it, it has definitely changed me.

Today, we started officially potty training Kaia. No more diapers, not even during naps or night times. We'll see how it all goes down. Even in such an every day thing like potty training, I see how far we've come since our big move. Kaia is no longer my little baby. She's a big girl. Alana is no longer my "Tiny Bean." She's a strong and adorable baby exploring her new world. Nathan has never worked so hard in his life. I've never endured such loneliness and immense change in my life with as much strength as I have in these past several months. I thought I'd be flying off the handle by now [or way earlier, actually]. God is evidently working in each and every one of us. I see it on a daily basis. Even when we have "bad" off days, I can see God trying to refine and restore us.

What the future holds, only the Lord knows for sure. I have learned that nothing is in my control. I may think it is from time to time, but truly I am just here to obey and follow His lead. Thinking that I'm in charge of my life, or even the life of my little girls, is like thinking that plants, trees, fruits, vegetables grow big and strong by their own will. It is only by God's grace to provide them with the sunlight and water that they need to grow and flourish. I, too, am just a seedling that is at His mercy, soaking in whatever He sees fit for me.

Not worth it

2011-01-01T17:37:00.001-08:00

Song of the day: Taylor Swift's "Back to December"

3 months of waiting...only to be told that the owner has canceled our housing contract because he was able to get a loan modification last minute. 3 months!!! He waited until the very last minute, literally, to send us the cancellation forms. I couldn't believe it. Nathan had done some research on the guy and he is a retired loan officer...so, he knew what he was doing. He probably used us as leverage to get his loan modification. He knew all this time that he wasn't going to sell his place to us. The endless months of waiting was extremely difficult, but it was bearable because I truly believed that we would get the place in the end. Our patience would be rewarded.

Our real estate agent told us that if we wanted to find out proof that he did get a loan modification he would push for it. If there was some fishy business going on, we could even take legal actions against him. Nathan and I talked about it for a brief moment and we both instantly felt that if we had to go to that extent it'd be better to just let the house go. If this was where the Lord wanted us to live, He would open doors for us without forcing someone out of their home. It just wasn't meant to be with this place. We're planning on looking for a rental for the time being until we find a place we can call home. It's been almost half a year that we've been living with the in-laws, so we're definitely going to have to make our way out whether we find a place to purchase or not. I feel like we're wearing out our welcome. Also, Kaia's development is being stunted because of our living situation. We can't get her out of her crib [even though she's grown out of it a while ago] since there isn't any rooms in the in-laws' place that is fully safe for her to roam around in. Also, she seems to be ready to begin potty training but since I don't want to have multiple people telling her this and that to confuse her, on top of not wanting to stain the carpets here, I haven't been able to fully commit to training her yet.

2010...what a year~! I can't say it was all good either. It was a lot of tears, sleepless nights stressing out about various things, a HUGE move, and endless uncertainties. It was also full of joy and wonder, especially the arrival of our second miracle, Alana. 2011...what will you bring?

What's with the presents?

2010-12-27T02:29:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Jingle Bells

So many presents. So much food. All in all, it's been a gluttonous, overindulgent holiday season thus far. There's still New Year's right around the bend. Sigh~ As delicious and wonderful as it all has been and is, I sort of cannot wait for it all to end and for normalcy to resume.

This was the first Christmas that Kaia was old enough to register some of what was going on. We sang Christmas carols weeks before. Her favorite one to hear and sing is "Jingle Bells." We let her help with decorating the tree. As I baked endless batches of cookies to gift, she got to roll her own little cookie ball. She did a wonderful job of it, too. I explained to her over and over again that the reason for all the decorations, gatherings/celebrations, presents, and extra church services was because we were celebrating Jesus Christ's birthday. Since we cannot give Christ any real birthday presents, we share our love and resources to provide others with them in His name. It was the first year that she got excited about opening her gifts. We went on Skype to speak with her other grandparents in San Francisco (my parents) a few days before and on Christmas day.

So much joy. So much love. So much rejoicing.

We all were blessed with presents from family members, friends, and even random strangers [from Nathan's dad's church]. The one that got the most presents was Kaia. She got clothes, books, little toys, money, and food. The biggest and greatest was a kitchen set (all included with a pot, pan, utensils, plates, and food) from Nathan and I, an art easel (one side has a chalkboard to draw on and the other side can be drawn on with a marker or plastered with letter magnets that it came with) from Nathan's parents, and a Woody mini guitar from Uncle Nick. She's been playing with her kitchen set all day yesterday and today. She loves to cook and clean, at least while it's still an option to do so, not a responsibility and obligation. It's so amazing watching her reaction to things, especially overwhelming joy. She gave Nathan and myself a huge and lingering hug after she opened up our present. Priceless.

Sadly, Alana was asleep for most of it. She was awake for a few moments here and there, long enough to take a few pictures or glance at all the commotion that was going on, but fell back asleep in seconds. Nonetheless, we got her tiny little things to celebrate her first Christmas in our family. It was such a joy to be surrounded by my wonderful husband and two amazing girls. I felt [and feel] so completely blessed.

The rest of our Christmas day was spent with the rest of the family, Nathan's mom's side--Auntie Dorothy, Uncle Edson, Auntie Marsha, Marissa, Beth, Uncle Freddy, Pauline, Tina, Auntie Kop, Uncle Patrick, Lianne and her boyfriend Jason, Kevin and his fiance Argeline. It was a packed house. Lianne made almost the entire feast. Nathan made a turducken for the second time in his life. The first time, he didn't really know at all what he was doing so it didn't turn out so great. This time, it was absolutely beautiful for the eyes and stomach. It was my favorite dish of the night. Everyone ate until their bellies were overflowing, and there was much laughter being spread about the entire house. Wonderful times.

Now, I am about to lay my head to sleep after a long weekend of celebrating. Another start to a new week. We'll be finding out something about our offer on Akipola this coming Tuesday. Will we get the place or not? I have no idea, but Nathan and I both have agreed from the very beginning to roll with whatever may come our way. If things don't end up working out with this place, we'll look for a rental and live there until we do find the right place to call home. If we do get it, we'll have much to celebrate and tons of planning to do for renovations before we can move in. Either way, there is a lot of work ahead of us. I'm bracing myself for another wave of chaos and madness.

The timing is perfect. Nathan's Christmas present to me this year is a family trip to an unknown destination. He wrote me a card telling me the dates of our getaway but didn't inform me of where we would be going. Since it's been such an incredibly tumultuous, eventful, and draining year for us as a family, and we haven't been able to be by ourselves as a family of four much, he said he planned this trip for us to be able to have that even if it's just for a weekend. I'm looking forward to it immensely. I need to get away for a while. I need to be alone with my family. God has blessed me with a husband that knows what I need when I need it the most. It's this coming weekend so whatever we find out about the Akipola place will set the tone for the trip. We'll either be celebrating and letting the joy overflow into our trip...or we'll be using the trip as a way to truly get away from all the decisions and stresses of our seemingly unfruitful house hunt. Either way, it's what we all need right about now.

Christmas has come and gone but our love for our Lord hasn't. It's amazing that Christ was born to die for us. He was placed here to dwell among us so that He could give us everlasting hope. Love so pure. Love so kind. Love so strong. I am so grateful to be called His child, and humbled that He chose to have me.

Will they ever go away?

2010-12-19T13:25:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Justin Bieber's "Pray"

Insecurities.

I thought that by the time I reached thirty I wouldn't be feeling this anymore. I thought I would have things figured out much more than I actually do.

I used to hate everything about myself. My body. My hair. My face. My voice. My personality. My lack of talent. Everything. Slowly, especially after coming to know the Lord [and meeting Nathan], I cared less about the things on the outside and more about my soul and heart. I was doing a pretty good job of focusing on the important things in life, not the fleeting things such as the quest for beauty...but those old struggles are starting to creep its way back into my life.

I look at my body that has been ravaged by two pregnancies and breastfeeding and feel far from attractive. Nathan tells me how amazing I look all the time, and I believe that he believes that...I just see the reality of it not blinded by love. Hehe~ Most of me feels okay with it because I have been blessed with two wonderful girls in the end. There are just some days when I look at myself and feel depressed. I feel like Nathan deserves someone better looking. I feel like he'll start to see that one day as well.

I know in my heart that the outer things shouldn't matter. God created us perfectly in His own image. He cares for your heart, not your appearance. At the same time, my sinfulness gets the best of me. It might be the sleep deprivation and nursing Alana every 1-2 hours throughout the entire day, every day. I have milk stains on me at all times. I'm constantly sticky from sweat because Alana fights me every feeding. I never wear anything nice. I don't even put on a stitch of make up most days lately because I just don't have the time or energy to do so. My hair is always in a bun or messy ponytail because Alana will pull at it if I don't. So yes, I feel far from appealing. Even so, I know that this is Satan's way of luring me into making it more about myself. My life is already saturated by evil thoughts and self-consumption. I don't need more of that. I'm trying my best to fight it every day. I'm praying that God would give me the strength to succeed more than fail in this.

None of us are ever going to look the way we did when we were twenty. We're not going to be able to hold onto our youth forever. Things will give way. Things will change. Things will never be the same again. That's how it's supposed to be. We're supposed to age and allow the lines, spots, drooping, etc. to tell the story of our lives, all that we've been through...lived through. Trees are the same way. They possess as many rings as their age. The older they are, the more character, wonderfully unruly branches they adorn. I know I'll never be the youngest, most beautiful girl in the world. So, I want to be able to try and allow my life's journey to give me wisdom and strength that others may gravitate toward.

I know I'll never fully rid of my insecurities, but at least I don't allow them to rule my life anymore. I can still get up and live each day, seeking out what God wants me to do with it, instead of being paralyzed by my own demons. Praise God that He finds me absolutely beautiful, even if no one else in the world does.

One day bleeds into the next

2010-12-10T23:56:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Taylor Swift's "Back to December"

What a month! I can't believe Alana is almost 2 months old. She's gotten HUGE. I look at her and can't believe she's the same little thing that came out of me that late night in mid-October. I haven't been able to do much else besides take care of the babies. I haven't had time to write letters, read, talk on the phone, or even get online much. Alana still feeds every 2-3 hours, sometimes every 1-2 hours if she had a rough time feeding the previous night. Oddly, she takes longer for each feeding than she did when she was a newborn. She used to take 15-20 minutes. Now, she takes 20-40 minutes. I still feed her 3-4 times every night. Then, she decides that after her 5-6 a.m. feeding she doesn't want to go back to sleep. So, I'm up before the sun is every day again. I don't miss this part of having an infant. The weeks just seem to fly by because there's no real start or end to my days. They just bleed into each other, seamless and filled to the brim with tasks and responsibilities.

On top of everything with Alana, Kaia is getting increasingly jealous. She still adores her little sister, but she demands more of me. She whines constantly and yells for me whenever I'm tending to Alana. There are so many times when I am nursing Alana and Kaia tries to pull my arm out from under Alana's head, climb into my lap [almost crushing her baby sister], and/or grab at her to get her off my lap. In the moment, I get upset with her, wondering why she would do such thoughtless things. Then, I remember the wonderfully full two years we had together, all of Mommy to herself. There's has been so many changes going on in Kaia's life ever since Nathan got laid off in San Diego. It hasn't stopped. It probably won't stop for another several months. I can't imagine what she's feeling. I can only do my best to make her know and trust that even if the situation changes, my love for her doesn't.

I've been trying my best to stay afloat. I wish I could say I'm thriving, but I'm just trying to survive each day [and night]. There are moments when I just want to scream, cry, run away, then Alana gives me one of her melt-your-heart smiles and somehow I gain enough strength and energy to do what I need to do as a mommy-of-two. It's absolutely exhausting. There are days when I just cry because I don't know who I am anymore apart from being a machine, that is a mommy. Then, there are days like today when I am nursing Alana and she's falling asleep, looking so peaceful and lovely, and tears fill my eyes because I am filled with so much gratitude that God saw fit for me to be her mommy. Days like today makes it all worthwhile...makes it bearable.

I miss many aspects of my life before kids, especially before TWO kids. Even so, I wouldn't trade this for the world. I look at my girls and can't believe that they're mine. I'm the one they run to when they're sad, scared, hurt, sick. No one comforts them like mommy does. No one makes their fears go away like mommy does. No one holds them perfectly like mommy does. I get that. That is why I wouldn't give this up for my old life. Yes, I had tons of freedom and always had people to see and things to do. It was really fun. I miss it a lot. Then again, life has to go on. You can't live in the past. You can only treasure what was given to you during that time. Just like my single days, I know I will miss these days even more. The days when my kids are babies. When they're not embarrassed to be seen with their mommy. When they want to be held by you. When they want to be just like you and do everything with you. These days won't last forever. I know that. I will miss these days far more than the days of my adolescence. So, I'm trying to embrace it despite being sleep-deprived, stressed, and exhausted. Life is good.

What comes naturally

2010-11-24T04:13:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Bruno Mars' "Count On Me"

My sister and I went on a walk tonight after I put Alana down and she said something that struck me. We were talking about how there are some people that live thinking, "What if..." about everything in life. We talked about how some people just act upon what they feel. That makes us no better than animals. Committing your life to one person for the rest of your life in marriage is something that my mom sees as unnatural. It's not natural to be with only one person for possibly 20-80 years. It's not natural, but "it's the most human thing we could do." That's what my sister said. Even though she's not married, never even really been in a serious relationship, she sees something that a lot of people may never come to see.

Yes, marriage is something that seems somewhat natural in the sense that we all want to find that one person that will accept us wholly. At the same time, our natural tendency is to find various people attractive and act upon those urges. In marriage, especially one that claims to be in the name of the Lord, we have to combat those desires and feelings. It's deliberate, not by accident or chance. It's active, not passive. It's something that you can't just expect to happen naturally. You have to choose every single day that you are going to be loyal, committed, loving, and devoted to this one person.

Emotions clouds our judgment. Do I ever wonder what my life would have been like had I not gotten married to Nathan? Of course! That's my natural human nature--to live in sin. Thankfully, God has provided me with the heart that longs after His own. Knowing how highly God looks upon the bond of marriage, and how much He hates adultery, infidelity, and divorce, provides me with the motivation to remain faithful to Nathan. It's not because he's so incredibly lovable that I can't even fathom being with someone else. Sure, I love him. Sure, he's a wonderful man. Yes, he is my best friend and I absolutely adore him. Nonetheless, no human being is without fault or flaw so much so that they seem perfect in the eyes of even one other individual. I see his shortcomings. I see the aspects of him I wish were different. At the same time, God placed us together perfectly.

I'm sure everyone is aware of all the infidelity going on in the world of celebrities lately. It's everywhere. I'm sure that non-celebrities are having even more affairs because they're not under the scope of the media. They can get away with more for a longer time than celebrities probably could. That's so scary. It's got me to think about how these things start. Why does someone who is married to a seemingly lovely person, a person that others would give anything to be married to, decide to cheat on them with someone else? And especially when it comes to nonbelievers, why not just divorce and then move onto someone else? Why the lies? Why the juggling of two lives? I think the conclusion I've come to is that human beings are closer to animals than we really think we are. You see animals throwing out mating calls and having multiple partners. Most of them are just responding to their physical needs. Nothing more. Nothing less. Sadly, human beings can also be that way. Sleeping with one person after another just to temporarily satisfy their physical need to be pleasured, to feel desired. In the same breath, for human beings there's this need to be fed emotionally as well. We want to feel wanted, not just physically but emotionally. We want to be flattered. We want to be romanced. We want to feel butterflies in our stomach. That's something that sets us apart from animals.

Nathan and I, we've been married for almost 5 years now. That's not very long. It's not all that short either, especially since we've gone through so much together in those years. It makes me wonder what the next 5, 10, 20, 50 years will bring upon our marriage. I have no idea. I wonder if one of us will ever fall into infidelity. Maybe. It's far from impossible. Over the past several years, after having witnessed marriages fall apart, even Christian ones, I've come to terms with the fact that I am imperfect. Nathan is imperfect. We are both sinners. If we have a time in our lives where we aren't walking right with the Lord, and allow for the sinful thoughts in our hearts to take form into actions, it can happen. It can happen to any one of us because we think much of ourselves. We are selfish. Our flesh is weak. Without God's truth anchoring us and guarding our hearts, we are wide open to be attacked by the enticing destruction of Satan.

I used to wonder what it meant to guard your heart and the heart of the ones you love. I remember when I was a clueless collegian, many married women would talk about how they have to guard the purity of their husbands and their marriage. They would talk about how they need to make sure that they don't put any stumbling blocks in their husband's way, such as Victoria's Secret catalogs. I thought, "How harmful could looking at models that don't look like any real person do to a marriage?" I see now that in order to have a strong marriage in the Lord, you have to protect one another from any possible temptations. Most people don't wake up thinking that they're going to go ahead and cheat on their spouse. Seemingly harmless things, such as movies, music, magazines, etc. slowly breeds discontentment, desire, obsession, and ultimately, action.

As odd as it may sound, taking care of a garden makes me think about how to take care of the bond of marriage. You have to make sure that you maintain the integrity of the garden by first making sure that there's a firm foundation--good soil, fertilizer, etc. Then, you have to tend to it daily, making sure no weeds or bugs have started to make it's way into destroying any of it. It's all about upkeep. If you don't care for it regularly, it can lead to things creeping in and slowly breaking it apart. At first, you might look out and see that the garden looks pretty decent even though you aren't taking care of it well. Then, one day you'll look out and see that all the flowers have wilted, weeds have sprouted everywhere, choking your plants to wither away, and all that's left is a garden that is nearly impossible to salvage.

I pray that despite my shortcomings and sin-ridden heart, that I would uphold my commitment to the Lord...and to my husband, Nathan...that I would fight for the purity of our love and marriage that God has ordained. I pray that I would not assume that we'll be fine, but actively seek to make sure that there isn't anything poisoning our hearts and minds. I pray for an enduring and God-pleasing marriage from now until the end. May the Lord be my strength.

Wishing all their pain upon myself

2010-11-16T00:19:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Justin Bieber's "Stuck In A Moment"
(I told you. I'm totally into his songs lately. Don't hate~!)

My two baby girls. They're sick. Kaia first got sick with a cold/flu from who knows where in the beginning of this week. It was inevitable that I was to get sick next since I'm the one taking care of her all day. She kept on giving me hugs and kisses with her dear snot-covered face. Just as well, she couldn't help herself from giving her darling little sister, "Ah-yah-nah", endless affection. Soon enough, Alana was sick as well.

Watching Kaia turn from her bubbly self to a subdued, dazed, lethargic little girl broke my heart. I couldn't bear watching her tear up after coughing up a storm. I know how much it hurts when I cough violently, so I can only imagine how devastating it is for her little body. Everything I gave her to eat wasn't appetizing, even her favorite foods such as fruits, yogurt, crackers, pretzels, and frozen yogurt. She was barely eating one full meal a day. Her energy levels plummeted accordingly. It broke my heart into pieces. Every night, I would hear her over the monitor coughing in bouts, whining endlessly, and when things got too unbearable, crying out for "Mommy." A few nights, I just took her out of her crib in the dark and held her onto my chest and let her fall asleep on me before putting her back in. I would have stayed with her all night but since I have to take care of Alana and try and feed her every 2-3 hours, I was forced to leave her to deal with parts of the nights without any comfort aid.

Alana's case is even more heartbreaking. She's not even 4 weeks old and is dealing with incredible congestion. She can barely breathe. She constantly breathes through her mouth when she's sleeping. She's been doing horribly during feedings since she can't breathe when she's drinking milk. So yes, my supply has gone down drastically, which I'm really worried won't return even after she recovers from this, and she's constantly crying from being hungry. It makes me so sad to think that she wants so badly to eat, but when she attempts to she chokes for air. Sigh~ We've tried everything--saline drops, saline spray, The Snot Sucker (The best aspirator! Thanks, Tiffany!), good ol' steam in the bathroom trick, etc. Nothing seems to be working well enough to bring us back our good eater.

Honestly, being a mom [of two little ones now], I really want to take away all their pain. Watching Kaia and Alana physically suffering from this cold/flu has been so painful to watch. I just want to take all their pain and put it upon myself. I would go through the worst physical pain if it meant that they wouldn't have to go through it themselves. Giving birth to Alana, I thought I was going to die from the pain (THE worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life, including scalding 75% of my face with hot water and having to scrape off all the scar tissue with a rough wash cloth for weeks on end every time I took a shower), but I would go through that again [with great apprehension and fear] if it would take away the discomfort and pain that my little girls have been and are still going through.

My own Mommy is coming to visit us in Hawaii this Wednesday. Part of me is really looking forward to seeing her, having her meet Alana, and spending pre-Thanksgiving with her by my side. In the same breath, I'm a bit apprehensive because she's constantly doing her own thing even if I tell her not to do something. The last thing I want is for her to do something at Nathan's parents' house that might bother or upset them. Either way, I hope that we'll all be fully recovered by then, or at least at the tail end of it.

This bout of sickness and chaos in our household has made me extra grateful for health. I don't seem to be thankful for it when I am healthy, and when my family is doing well. Now that we're all ailing, I am reminded just how weak our flesh is. No matter how well we take care of ourselves--taking vitamins, omega oils, working out, eating a raw food diet, etc.--,we will die. Our flesh will rot. I'm going to do more to not take my body for granted. God gave me this body to glorify and honor Him, not just to bring pleasure to myself. I need to eat healthier and be more active for the sake of being a more useful and reliable servant for Him. Mindful eating. Mindful activities. Mindful living. That's what I want for myself and for my children. As young as they are, they are never too young to learn that we need to respect our bodies and not abuse the things God has blessed us with.

Lord, thank you for the days that we are healthy and thriving. Thank you for even the times when we're ailing, because it reminds us of how grateful we ought to be for the many days that we don't feel pains. You are a good God and I pray that you would watch over my little ones, help me to know how to bring them any measure of comfort, and please have mercy upon their fragile bodies, especially my Alana. Lastly, thank you for allowing me to give birth to them. They are the gems in my life. They bring me so much joy. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful gifts, but hey, I'll take it.

What a girl wants

2010-11-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

Song of the day: Justin Bieber feat. Jaden Smith's "Never Say Never" (from "The Karate Kid" soundtrack)
(I actually watched this movie last week and really liked it, surprisingly.)

There are so many things I want. The list has gotten a little less selfish over the years, especially as I've become a mom [of two]. Nonetheless, I never seem to be fully content with what I currently have.

Of all the things I want lately, the one that tops the list is a place to call our home. I really want that so badly, more for my girls than myself. I want them to have a set schedule without tons of distractions and people around all the time. I want to be able to give them a room that is safety-proofed and changed the way we want so that they could safely and freely play around in them. We're unable to move Kaia into a toddler/twin bed because all the rooms in Nathan's parents' place has huge air conditioning units that have way too many little crevices she can get stick various parts of her body into and get quite injured by. We're afraid to start potty-training her properly since there's light-colored carpeting everywhere and would hate to leave poo-poo stains as a "thank you" gift for letting us stay with them for so long. Also, I would love to have Alana in her own room instead of sleeping with us. Nathan and I haven't slept in the same room together in so long because of his snoring possibly waking up Alana and keeping me up during the little time I get to get some shut-eye. I miss it.

Of course, there are other things I want for my girls that may not seem as pressing, but to me it is. I want to live in an area that is more populated with young moms and children. This area is full of grandparents watching their grandchildren during the day while both parents work [to be able to afford living here]. It's hard to bump into young moms to talk to and possibly have play dates with. I want Kaia and Alana to have friends they see regularly. I want there to be playgrounds that are open at all times of the day, every day, that they can play at to get some energy out. This area has a handful of run down ones that are somewhat dangerous. The nice ones are in schools and can't be accessed by the public during school hours, which is usually when Kaia wants to go out to play. I want a church family that will embrace my children as their own and teaches the Word of God as something to be treasured and trusted above all else.

I want much. I have much. I need to be grateful for much. That is something I need to keep in the forefront of my mind, especially lately, because I find myself running on empty, leaning on my own strength to get through each day, and making endless excuses for my lack of grace, love, and patience with those around me. God has given me so much. I need to embrace and appreciate those things instead of always wanting more. Sigh~ It seems like this never-ending struggle I will never be able to overcome. Maybe that's God's plan for me, so that I may never get too sure of myself and that I would be constantly reminded of how little I deserve His love and salvation, yet how He has granted me such grace anyway.

In awe of talent

2010-11-07T01:10:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Justin Bieber's "Overboard"
(Yes, you can say I have Bieber Fever. Haha~ I love his music.)

Last night, we watched "The Karate Kid" with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan. We really wanted to have a movie night, but couldn't think of any movies that were out that we wanted to watch. We decided to watch it by default. The trailer looked pretty exciting. I was convinced that I would be disappointed. Surprisingly, I was very impressed.

There were so many things working for the movie. For one, Jaden Smith was an amazing actor. I was thoroughly convinced that he was feeling everything his character was feeling. I was amazed by his ability to show such depth of emotions even though he's so young. Even more so that he is new to the world of acting. He left me in tears. I was rooting for his character, Dre, the entire time, sitting at the edge of my seat whenever he was getting beat up by the bullies. It broke my heart. Another thing was that his chemistry with the other characters worked so well. Nothing seemed super awkward or forced. Lastly, it was the classic underdog coming out on top storyline. It made me laugh and smile during the silly parts, tear up when Dre was getting bullied and afraid to go to school, mad at the bullies and the ridiculous Kung Fu teacher they had, and extremely proud when he won the tournament at the end.

It got me to thinking, some people are just born with this natural talent. Watching Jaden Smith, his parents are both award-winning, amazing entertainers, so it's in his blood. He is such a natural at acting. It's hard to be that natural at something so difficult, such as pretending to be someone you're not and displaying the emotions that they're going through when you're not going through it yourself. There are others that are born with a beautiful voice that others would not be able to achieve even after taking endless voice lessons. There are those that have an incredible ability to catch onto choreography while others wouldn't be able to get a routine down even if they practiced it for months on end. Sure, there are things that get perfected with practice, but some people are just born with a gift. I admire that in others and desire it in myself.

I look at myself and wonder what I've been naturally gifted with. I used to think I was a good singer because people told me I was. Then, I realized that there were people out there, lots of them, with far greater talent than me. I used to think I was a fast learner when it came to choreography because I would be able to learn some dance moves by watching music videos multiple times. Then, I met people who could watch someone do a dance sequence once and already catch onto most of it. Then, I thought maybe my natural talent is that I am compassionate toward others. I always had a very tender heart, tearing up over any little thing. With time, I learned that although I do have a tender heart most of the time, there are many times when I am heartless and cold when it comes to people who annoy/irritate me, or just rub me the wrong way.

I look at myself now, and I don't really think that I'm gifted in anything. The only thing that I am grateful for is that I love being a mom. I love my children greatly. I would do anything for them. I know lots of moms feel this way, but I've also met many that don't possess that instant, natural love for their children. They see them as a burden, something holding them back. They get irritated with them easily. They complain about having to stay at home with their children all the time. They put their kids down to others. I'm not perfect, by any means. I'm far, far from it. At the same time, I know that I am absolutely in love with my girls, Kaia and Alana. No matter what the struggle I have to endure, I'll go through it for them. I had a really difficult time with nursing when I had Kaia. She didn't latch on well and left me in excruciating pain. I used to tremble from the pain when I would nurse her while sobbing. I fought through it and never gave up breastfeeding because I wanted the best for my little girl. Now, with Alana, she's a difficult feeder as well and I'm not producing enough milk [from what I can tell]. I'm doing whatever I can to try and keep my production up. Part of me wants to give up and formula feed her because it's been sleepless nights of trying to get her to latch on, then trying to keep her awake every second to try to get through a decent feeding. At the same time, I know my heart for her and breastfeeding is strong so I'll endure whatever need be to give her the best that I can give her. In the end, I might have to formula feed if I can't produce enough milk for her needs, but until then I won't give up. It's not a talent, I know. At the same time, many mothers out there don't want to, and sometimes can't get themselves to no matter how hard they try, sacrifice their own goals, desires, etc. for their children. Thankfully, it's comes fairly easily to me. I would give my own life for my little miracles. Also, I don't think I'll ever regret not having pursued this and that career or other personal goals of mine because I was at home raising my children. There is no greater calling [in my eyes] and privilege than to be entrusted by God with these little souls to watch over. I can't say I love every minute of it, especially lately since I'm trying to juggle being a mom to an wildly energetic toddler who has discovered defiance to its fullest, and a newborn that has her days and nights mixed up on top of not having enough desire to nurse. Even so, I love it. I love them. I wouldn't trade this "job" for anything in the world. It's the hardest thing to do, but it's also the most meaningful and rewarding.

Talented. Gifted. Excelled. Whatever you want to call it. Sometimes, they come in forms that are easily displayed. Other times, they're not so apparent. You have to delve deep into someone's heart before you figure out that every single person out there has a great knack for something. It just takes time and patience [and a tiny bit of pain] to figure out what that might be. Praise God for making each and every one of His children so uniquely.

Oh, little one...

2010-11-03T17:19:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Paul Cardell's "The Hymns - Collection (Disc 2)"
(Lately, I've been listening to a lot of classical music since Alana is always sitting nearby and I want her to be able to soak the beauty and simplicity of it in even if she's asleep most of the time.)

My little Alana. She gained a pound and grew over an inch in height in less than two weeks time. What a good girl! I can't believe how fast she's already growing.

It's the first day in a long time that it's been raining pretty much all day here in Oahu. It reminds me of home. San Francisco, that is. Whenever it rains, I feel like blogging...or at least contemplating life a bit [like I don't do that enough as it is without the dreary beauty of rainy weather...the relaxing tapping of raindrops on the window]. As I think this one out, Alana is lying right next to me holed up in her Boppy pillow. She looks so peaceful and sound. Not a care in the world.

I wonder what the next year will look like. 2010 has been madness, to say the least. I can't imagine what note it'll end on. I wonder what 2011 will bring upon us. I look around and am sort of in a cloud of thoughts. Our stuff is lying all over the place, especially Kaia's toys, but it still doesn't feel like home. I know, or at least hope, this situation is only temporary. Living with the in-laws, or anyone else for that matter, is quite a challenge. It definitely has forced out sinful demons within myself. I knew they were there all along, but it's never reared its ugly head as emphatically as it has in the past month. Sure, some can say it's my hormones going through so many changes. Others say that it's understandable since I'm sleep-deprived and in need of some alone time. Some may even say that I have every right to feel this way because living with in-laws is something they could never even fathom, let alone live through. Whatever the excuse, it comes down to my sinful heart and lack of love and grace toward others, especially those that love me the most.

As in-laws goes, I have the best pair. They constantly check up on me and the kids to see if we need any help with anything. They are always willing to change their plans to watch Kaia or Alana while we tend to errands or even a much needed date night. They cook for me daily. They have given up most of their house for us, our kids, and our belongings. My father-in-law cleans our bathrooms every week without a word. It's amazing how blessed I am. Yet, I find myself being short with them. I look at myself and wonder why I'm so spoiled and ungrateful. I think way too much of myself. That's why. Sure, this situation is far from ideal. It'd be nice to have our own place so I can raise my children in a way that I would want without any outside influences on a minute-by-minute basis, but it's what we've been placed into for the time being so I need to make the most of it.

As for Alana, I know that she has no idea what's going on around her yet. In a way, God's been gracious in that sense. He's allowed for all these difficult transitions to take place while the kids are still fairly young. That way, it doesn't influence them nearly as intensely as it would if they were able to process it all with more understanding. Right now, as long as Kaia has her food and toys, she's good. As for Alana, all she needs is food and sleep. I hope to have a God-focused rest of the week. I want to give Kaia and Alana as much love and security as possible. Most of all, I want them to grow up surrounded by God's love and wisdom through my actions, speech, and heart's attitude.

Oh my dear Alana, Mommy is falling more and more in love with you with each passing day. Even though you keep me up most of the night and breastfeeding has been quite a challenge, I can't imagine having it any other way. You're a gem. I really look forward to getting to know you more with each day that God grants us together. I'll do my best to be the kind of mom you could look up to and learn from. I pray that I would be able to show you God's love through everything that I do and say. All I know is that you are going to be showered with endless love your entire life. This family is quite smitten with you already. Everyone has to stop and say hi to you and stare for a while whenever they pass by. I don't blame them. I can't stop gazing at you while you're sleeping either. You look like an angel, my little puppy (Kaia looked like a little monkey/ape when she was a newborn so she was my little monkey. You, on the other hand, look like a cute little puppy with your sad faces and almond shaped eyes, and you make these little sad noises that sounds like a puppy whimpering). I love you yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Losing it

2010-11-02T15:54:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Bruno Mars' "Just The Way You Are"
(Weeks later, I'm still obsessed with it!)

The "baby" fat. My mind. Sleep. All of it.

Alana is definitely a lot more high maintenance than Kaia was as a newborn. Maybe she'll mellow out with time, but as of now she is a 24-7 hands-on event. She constantly wants to be held. She decides to sleep most of the day, not even waking up when Kaia runs around the house yelling at the top of her lungs, only to stay up most of the night. I haven't gotten a good night's rest ever since her birth. I've broken down in tears a few times in the dark, trying to get her to latch on for over ten minutes. For the past few days, she's been extremely hungry all the time. She gets hungry almost every 1-2 hours, sometimes even more frequently. I thought I had to nurse Kaia a lot. She fed every 2-3 hours. Alana is a massive eater so far. We went in for our 2-week check up the other day and she had gained a whole pound since our first appointment, which was two days after her birth. Even the doctor seemed a bit surprised at how much she'd gained. I am so sore and exhausted.

Nursing, especially when the baby isn't efficient at latching on, staying on, and latching off when they need to, is completely draining and painful. Thankfully, I knew what to expect with this one. With Kaia, I had no idea it was going to be so painful so I was at the brink of giving up immediately because it was just too painful. With Alana, it's still quite painful but I keep telling myself that I got through it with Kaia in a couple of months and was able to breastfeed her for up to 15 months. That alone motivates me to keep going and do my best to give Alana what I was able to give Kaia. We'll see if I can keep it up and make enough to feed her that long, but I'm going to do my part and remain strong through the initial challenges.

On top of all of this, I have no energy to work out and try to get some of the baby weight I gained off. It always shocks me how odd my stomach looks and feels after giving birth. I carried much bigger with Alana so it is taking a lot more than just nursing to shrink my stomach back to my pre-pregnancy size. I know it shouldn't matter so much about how I look, especially since I have such a wonderful gift in my life now, but there are moments when I just take a look at myself in the mirror and wonder if I'll ever be the same again. Having babies, nursing, etc. all takes a toll on your body. I don't even feel like a woman anymore. I feel more like a machine that cranks out babies and milk. I really pray that my weight and such won't be the main thing on my mind. I pray that I would be able to focus on taking care Alana and truly being grateful for everything God has given me.

All in all, I hope that I won't lose my mind because of all the sleep deprivation and overall frustration with everything. I find myself feeling quite on edge lately, and the last thing I want is to not enjoy this time with Alana as much as possible. I know there are struggles and things I'd rather not go through in the newborn stage of babydom, but I also know that every stage of their lives will only last for what seems to be a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. I look back on Kaia's two years of life, and I can't believe how much she's grown and learned in such a short period of time. I miss the tender little moments of the past already. I want to be able to enjoy Alana even more than I was able to with Kaia. With Kaia, I was so anxiety ridden and placed so much pressure on myself to be a certain kind of mom that I didn't get to fully enjoy my little girl for who she was. I don't want that to happen with Alana as well.

Well, I better get some shut eye since both little ones are asleep at the same time (rare). God is so good to even give me this tiny window of time in the day when I can glue my eyes for a few moments.

Deja vu

2010-10-29T20:55:00.001-07:00

Song of the day: Justin Bieber's "Someone To Love"
(Listening to his songs makes me reminisce about when I was that young and crushing on NKOTB and the other teeny bopper boys that were popular back then...such sweet and simple times~)

I can't believe I'm here again. I struggled so badly with not resenting my mother-in-law when Kaia was first born. Both Nathan's parents came to stay with us when Kaia was about a month old for 2-3 weeks. Constantly, I felt like I wasn't able to have any special moments alone with my first child because Nathan's mom was always around the corner to check in on her and tell me to rest up while she held her. I wanted to yell. I wanted to take Kaia and run away. I wanted to just be alone with my family of three. As Kaia grew older, I started getting less territorial and able to let my mother-in-law take over at times. I thought I was handling it better.

Now, Alana is here. She is my newborn, my second gift. Unfortunately, since we're living with my in-laws they're always around. My mother-in-law constantly asks if she's okay even if nothing has happened. She hovers over me and wants to know if she's awake, if she ate, if I need her to hold her while I do something [even if I'm sitting there comfortably not indicating that I have plans to take care of anything any time soon], on and on. I find myself rolling my eyes when she looks away. I find myself just wanting to say, "Look! I'm fine! Alana's fine! Let us be!" I realize how evil I am because of this, but it's this feeling that I can't seem to shake no matter how much I pray about it and mindfully try to control. Sigh~

The other day, Nathan was out with his brother, Nick, and once they got home he came to see how we were doing. I was sitting on the couch and slowly started tearing up. He took me aside in the back room and asked me if I was okay. I wasn't. Living with my in-laws, having my brother-in-law over almost every single day since we've moved here until we go to bed, not having our own things or space to tend to our family of four, etc. is really starting to get to me after three months. I feel like we're never going to be just us anymore. We have to check in with his parents about everything. They want to know what we're doing, what we did, what we might do. I just feel suffocated. In my heart, I know that they're doing everything out of love for us, but it's just really overwhelming for me. On the most part, I'm an independent person. More so, ever since I've become a mom, I am much more independent. I don't want anyone's advice or opinions about how they think my child is developing, what I need to be doing for them at this stage and that stage. I just want a world for me and my children that isn't affected so greatly by other people.

The in-laws were out of town last week for about ten days. Kaia was so much more mellow, obedient, and tender. Usually, when the grandparents are home she acts up and knows she can get away with a lot. Also, they get her all riled up instead of sometimes letting her play by herself. They feel this need to always entertain her and be fun. When grandparents visit once in a while and spoil your children, it's fine. When you're living with them for a long-term situation, you've told them what your children are allowed to do and what they're not allowed to do, and they still don't fully get it, that's not okay to me. It takes a village to raise a child, and that village needs to all be on board with what the parents are trying to do in training up their children. That's what I'm finding hard to achieve in our situation.

Honestly, I'm not sure if and how much longer I can handle living with the in-laws, but after discussing it further with Nathan, at least for the time being we're going to try and continue to be patient with our living situation for a while longer. Only God knows when I'll reach my breaking point, but I want to try and do my best to support Nathan in whatever he feels is the wisest and best decision for our family. I just don't want it to ever get to the point where there's any bad blood or ill feelings between anyone in this household. I know we're probably wearing out our welcome as well. His parents, especially his dad, is quite tidy, and having all our stuff lying around everywhere must be driving him crazy. Also, I'm sure they're used to a simple and quiet life. Now, they have an extremely active and loud little toddler running around, constantly asking for their attention, two full grown adults eating up their food and running up their utility bills, and a needy newborn that cries throughout the night all under their roof. It must be a great challenge for them as well to make the best of everything. Sigh~

A home. Something that most people have and take for granted. That's all I want. I want a home for our little girls. I want stability. I want to be able to look around and know where everything is because it's our stuff and I put it there. I want a place to rest my head and mind at night instead of wondering when and if we'll ever find a place that is well suited for our family. It's draining, going from one house viewing to the next, open houses here and there, and constantly looking at websites to see if anything new has come up. It's exhausting.

Well, speaking of exhausted, I better head on to bed now. Alana has been keeping me up most nights because she has her days and nights mixed up, and I can't take naps during the daytime to catch up on the lost sleep since Kaia is up and in need of my care and attention. So yes, I lay my head to rest tonight knowing that everything is uncertain...but nonetheless, God is good. I hear Him saying, "In due time, Ji Young...in due time. I have it all set out for you. Just be patient, faithful, and trusting in my timing and love for you." I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

Our early delivery: Alana Shinae Jiaxin Choy!

2010-10-24T01:41:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Phillips, Craig, and Dean's "Let The Worshipers Arise"
(It was the song playing in Nathan's car as I laid in the back laboring.)

October 17th (Sunday):

6:00 p.m. - Harbor Women's Bible Study Girls Night Out. Met at PF Chang's, had yummy food, went to watch "Life As We Know It", and had a nice drive home with Cyndi and Berit. I got home close to 11:00 p.m., told Nathan about my eventful night, and went to bed.

Around 4:00 a.m. - Woke up from moderately strong contractions that got closer and closer with each hour.

7:00 a.m. - Still having contractions, now only about 5 minutes apart.

9:00 a.m. - Contractions slowed down and were only coming about every 20-30 minutes for only about 30 seconds or so.

Around noon - Contractions picked up a little bit, coming at about every 10-15 minutes and lasting less than a minute each time.

5:30 p.m. - Contractions started feeling stronger and longer, coming now at about every 5-10 minutes.

7:00 p.m. - The contractions were picking up steam and getting quite painful, so we started packing up everything we needed, planning to leave for the hospital a little after putting Kaia down to sleep.

8:00 p.m. - Nathan put Kaia down for the night while I continued to labor in the family room.

About 8:45 p.m. - Nathan finished putting Kaia down and was wondering if we should go into the hospital or wait a little while longer since the contractions weren't all 5 minutes apart. Most of them were, but there were some that were 7-8 minutes apart. I urged him to get his stuff ready and that we should just leave just to be on the safe side (Thank the Lord~). Unfortunately, 5 minutes into driving to the hospital, Nathan remembered that he forgot the birthing ball back at home so we had to drive back to get it.

Some time between 9:15-9;20 p.m. - We arrived at the birthing center at Castle Medical Center in Kailua (about a 20-30 minute drive from Nathan's parents' place) and signed in. A nurse showed us into one of the monitoring rooms and strapped the fetal monitor and contractions monitor onto my stomach to see how strong the contractions were. I was writhing around uncontrollably with each contraction in so much pain that I couldn't think straight. My contractions were about 1-2 minutes apart at this point with hardly a moment's breath in between each one.

Some time between 9:15-9:40 p.m. - Finally, a nurse came in to "check" me to see how far along I was. She quickly checked and said, "She's there." I knew it. I felt like I was going to die from the pressure and pain. Just a moment after she said that, I felt a HUGE wave of pain and pressure, only to feel my water break. Hard to believe, but once the water broke the pain got exponentially worse. I could hardly breathe. I remember holding onto Nathan's arm for dear life and saying to him through tears, "I can't do this." He looked at me and said, "Yes, you can." Even though it wasn't much, it made me feel that I could...that I had to. One of the many nurses in the room asked me, "Do you think you can walk to the delivery room?" I quickly responded, "No..."

Some time around 9:40-9:48 p.m. - They decided they needed to wheel me in the bed and transfer me once we got to the room. I remember gripping onto the side of the bed so hard that my hands felt numb. I kept sobbing and saying, "Oh my God..." I really was calling out to God. I truly felt He was the only One that could get me through it.

9:48 p.m. - They got me into the birthing room on the same floor. I remember seeing a handful of nurses looking a bit alarmed and stunned as they stared down at me. Nathan walked over to where they were to look at what they were seeing. He looked at me and said emphatically, "Ji Young, I see her head already. She's right there." Thankfully, they bumped into Dr. Chapman (the doctor that delivered Alana) in the hallway as she was on her way out of a C-section with another patient. She started getting prepped to deliver our baby.

9:53 p.m. - Before the doctor was fully prepped, I felt an uncontrollable urge to push. I couldn't help it. I had to push. The doctor could see that I was already pushing through screaming (extremely primal screams that I never thought could come out of me, especially while trying to push a baby out), so she instructed me to grab my legs and push whenever I felt the need to. She was getting her gloves on while she was telling me this. I pushed once, and her head was halfway out. I pushed a second time, and her head was fully out. I pushed for the third and last time, and her shoulders were all out.

9:54 p.m. - The official time of Alana's birth! The doctor asked me if I wanted her on me. Of course I said yes. Everything happened so fast that I still had on the t-shirt I came in wearing, so the nurses helped me quickly take it off so I could place her directly on my bare skin. She was slimy and beautiful. I held onto her so tightly and cried with so much joy and relief that she was safe and sound in my arms.

What a night~! I will never forget it. Kaia's birth was extremely fast, but Alana's birth was insane. I never thought I would get through the birthing part in less than a minute, and with only three pushes, nonetheless. It felt so surreal because it all happened so incredibly fast. One minute, I was at home and handling manageable contractions. Next thing I know, my body is in so much pain that I thought I might not make it, that I would die while giving birth, and my baby is out and finally with me.

She is 5 days old today. I can't believe how fast this week has gone by already. It seems like each day just bleeds into the next. It's been pretty rough, with her getting her days and nights mixed up a bit, keeping me up most nights and most of the day as well, and being engorged and in quite a bit of pain from nursing. At the same time, I just can't stop holding her in my arms and staring at her darling face. I can't believe she's here and all in one piece. This pregnancy was full of uncertainties, stress, and endless issues. Just having her here with us completely strong and healthy fills me with so much gratitude toward God. He truly protected her while she was inside of me. Although she came "early" (due dates are just estimates, so in reality, she was right on time), she's thriving and doing wonderfully. She didn't open her eyes for the first couple of days but now opens them quite often during the daytime, and even sometimes at night when she cries herself into a frenzy.

I have two daughters now. Two gifts. Two miracles. Two souls to watch over. Alana's name means "an offering" and she truly is. There were so many things working against us this year while I was pregnant with her, but God watched over her and kept her growing healthy and beautifully. She truly is an offering to our God because He is the one who has blessed us with her in the first place.

Thankfully, Kaia's taken to the role of big sister incredibly well. The first time she met her, when she came to visit us in the hospital the following morning (October 19th), she instantly took to her, wanting to endlessly kiss and hug her. It was the most heartwarming sight for a mother to see. I wanted to cry from joy. Every morning this week, Kaia asks for her sister. She gets so excited to see her and show her affection. Kaia really grew up overnight. She looks bigger. She feels bigger. She acts older. I can't believe how much she's matured in becoming a big sister. She just took the role so well. I am so grateful for that. She gets upset when people sit too close to her. She gets very worried and sad when Alana starts crying. She makes sure that I feed Alana as well when we all sit down to eat a meal. She's going to be an amazing sister throughout Alana's life. I can tell.

Alana and Kaia. My girls. There are so many things about Alana that reminds me of Kaia when she was a newborn--their facial expressions when they're sleeping [and awake], their extremely thick and soft hair, their face shape, the placement of their features, their short tongues, their love for being held, etc. On the other hand, they're quite different as well. Alana's cries are nothing like what Kaia's cries were like. Kaia cried like a toy. She didn't sound like a typical newborn with drawn out, trembling cries. She would cry, "Ah-lah, ah-lah, ah-lah..." Alana sounds like most newborns, with really strong lungs. She also doesn't like to be tightly swaddled like Kaia did. She likes to be loosely wrapped so she can freely move her limbs as she pleases. She poops every chance she gets. We've been changing her diaper with almost every feeding, which is every 2-3 hours. Sometimes even more. Kaia only pooped about 2-3 times a day in the beginning. Also, Kaia had a ferocious appetite [and still does], wanting to eat every 2-3 hours, sometimes even more frequently. Alana doesn't seem as interested, and even when she does feed she doesn't stay on as long as Kaia did. Alana's eyes aren't as noticeably big as Kaia's were. She doesn't have double eye lids (at least not yet). She only has a tiny bit of jaundice so she doesn't look nearly as dark and yellow as Kaia did. Her fingers and toes are much more slender and long than Kaia's was, which is crazy because Kaia's extremities were quite long to begin with. There are so many small and big things that set them apart, and so many that link them together.

To be honest, there was a part of me that worried a bit that I wouldn't be able to love Alana as much as I did Kaia. I felt I had given so much of my love to Kaia that it would be nearly impossible to make enough room to fully love another one. I was so wrong. God has somehow given human beings the ability to have many rooms in our heart for the people in our lives. Nathan had to go back home to take care of Kaia the morning after we gave birth to Alana. I had several hours to spend with her alone. After one nursing session, I just held her in my arms and looked into her sleeping face. Tears started to fill my eyes and I couldn't stop smiling, praising God for her life. I realized then that I have more than enough love to give to her, as well as to Kaia. I can't believe I'm a mother-of-two. It's a lot of work, and a lot of pain so far, but it's well worth it. I am so excited to see how the next handful of years will be. I can't wait to see how Kaia and Alana will grow as sisters and friends. I can't wait to see Alana's personality shine through. Life is hard, but it's really sweet. God is too gracious to us. He didn't have to bless me with even one, but now I have two bright spots in my life. I can't believe it...I really can't...

Stay in there a little while longer

2010-10-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Carrie Underwood's "So Small"

Last night, starting around 4-5 a.m. I started getting consistent and long contractions. They lasted about a minute long and were about 15-20 minutes apart. Thankfully, they've slowed down to every 30-40 minutes now. The in-laws are still on their trip to Toronto and won't be back until tomorrow afternoon. Nick is so afraid that he'll have to watch Kaia all by himself if I go into labor some time today or early tomorrow before his parents get in. I'm a little afraid myself. I don't know how he'd do with Kaia alone since we've never really left him on his own. She's pretty self-sufficient lately but I definitely want to make sure she's taken care of by someone that'll comfort her in the midst of all the confusion.

I'll be 39 weeks this Friday. Giving birth now wouldn't be too horrible since I'm considered pretty much full-term, but I feel so not ready. We don't have anything set up for her. The only thing I have set for her is some clean clothes to start her off and some newborn diapers. Mentally, I don't know how I'm going to take on a newborn again. Someone told me that I really need to get out with Kaia for a little "me time" from the very beginning, even if it's just a trip to the market or something. I know she'll probably feel quite confused as to why Mommy is so busy with another baby instead of playing with her anymore, so I want to make sure that she knows that I love her just the same. I pray that I'll be able to balance it all.

Last night, we had a girls night out with the women at Harbor Church. We went to P.F. Chang's for dinner and to the movie theater to watch "Life As We Know It" afterward. It was really different from the times I've had with other sisters in the past, but it was really refreshing and something I needed before the baby arrives. The movie moved me a lot more than I could have every anticipated. I realized even more than I already do that children are such gifts, miracles, that God allows us to experience and take part in the wonder that is raising children.

There have been so many obstacles these past few weeks. First, the doctor didn't feel that I had gained enough weight. The baby was about the size of a 34 week fetus when I went in for my 37 week check up. That worried her. So, she did ultrasounds and fetal monitoring to see what was going on. She said everything looked to be quite normal. Then, when I went in for my 38 week check up last week, she said that she wasn't seeing the reactivity level that she likes to see in her at this point in the pregnancy. It could indicate some developmental issues. I had to go in for night monitoring at the actual birthing center for a couple of hours. Thankfully, that came out a lot more satisfactory when it came to the baby's reactivity level. Still, I have to go in for fetal monitoring every time I go in for a check up. I only have one or two more so it shouldn't be too bad. I just hope that we don't get more unsettling news. It seems like this pregnancy will not go smoothly from start to finish. I just hope that she's doing well in there. I pray that she's growing nice and strong. It breaks my heart to think that she's had to go through so much already before she's even out in this world.

When this baby will decide to come out, only the Lord knows. I'm trying my best to hang in there and not be too anxious about when that'll be. With each day, I am looking forward to finally meeting her more and more. My love for her is already ten-fold so I can't imagine what I'm going to feel once she's in my arms and I can look into her eyes. Sigh~ May the rest of this pregnancy be a safe and healthy one, especially for our "Tiny Bean"...

Half a decade

2010-10-09T07:44:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Mariah Carey feat. Luther Vandross' "Endless Love"
(Our wedding song)

Last week, Friday, was our 5th wedding anniversary. We went out to Morimoto's restaurant in Waikiki in the Ilikai Hotel. We got all dolled up and had the most wonderful meal. Nathan and I couldn't stop talking about how clean all the food tasted. It was reasonably priced for what we were getting. I felt so blessed to be able to go out to such a nice dinner. Afterward, we took an hour long walk along the beach and hotel area. It was so peaceful and romantic. We haven't had that for quite some time now since we hardly get any alone time together.

This week, we went out again to celebrate our anniversary. Nathan had made reservations at Morimoto to surprise me, not knowing that his parents and brother had already made reservations at Hoku for us to surprise us. So sweet! So, we told them we'd do it this week instead. It was equally as relaxing and lovely. The food wasn't as "clean" tasting, but it was just as unique and delectable. We didn't get to walk much after our dinner, but we did get to sit around the lobby/lounge area to hear a live singer sing some tunes. It was absolutely wonderful to just sit next to my husband, taking in our surroundings and all that we've been blessed with.

Earlier today, we had our 37 week check up. We got an ultrasound done because I have had poor weight gain with this pregnancy as well. The doctor was just a bit concerned about the health and size of the baby. She told us that she's about 5 lbs. 13 oz. at this point, which puts her in the 30th percentile or so. Under 10th percentile or over 90th percentile would be merit for great concern, so she said that I'm on the lower side but not alarmingly so. Nonetheless, she wanted to get an ultrasound done and fetal monitoring. We got to see "Tiny Bean's" face, legs, heartbeat, organs, etc. It was so amazing. It made it feel even more real that I'm going to be giving birth to another miracle in a matter of weeks. I'll have to get 20-30 minutes of fetal/contraction monitoring once a week for the next few weeks as a precaution. Even so, the appointment was so much fun. It took a lot longer than we anticipated but Nathan and I got to talk and joke around while we were waiting for the doctor. It felt like when we were dating.

Even tonight, we got to talk about numerous things but mostly in a lighthearted way. It was so nice just talking about things that's on our minds without having to be interrupted by making sure Kaia was behaving and staying away from harm. It was nice to just stare into Nathan's eyes and hear every word he was saying without any distractions.

Five years. Whew~ It seems such a short time to some but we've been through quite a lot in that time. We've gone through so many ups and downs, emotionally and spiritually. We've moved from CA to Oahu. We had one child and are expecting our second any day now. Nathan's gone through numerous jobs, being laid off from one of them. We've dealt with a handful of deaths in the family. We've experienced the grace and mercy of God upon our marriage and family countless times. There has been much laughter, as well as many tears shed. It's been hard, but it's been good. I don't know. I can't imagine doing this with anyone else. I look at our lives and how far we've come individually and as a couple...it's amazing to me that God chooses to sustain us and build us up despite how sinful and flawed we are. He has given us incredible amounts of blessings. I look forward to the next five.

Calm down my soul, oh Lord...

2010-10-07T16:24:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Felix Mendelssohn's "Song Without Words For Piano"
(Lately, I've been listening to a lot of classical on my Pandora because it calms me and clears my head a bit.)

Every little thing seems to get to me. Even if I don't show it outwardly, my heart is ridden with angst and frustration. I just look around me and wonder what I'm doing here. How in the world did I end up moving my entire life to Oahu?

We went to our weekly children's storytime at the neighborhood public library today. It seems like no matter how much I try to smile at the other mothers, they just don't seem to warm up. I thought this was the Aloha state. I thought people were supposed to possess the Aloha spirit. It seems they only do so toward people they already know, the locals. I ooze transplant, I guess. I'm trying. I'm trying to get myself out there. To get Kaia out there. I want us to have community so badly. That's something I've been desiring for quite some time now. I don't know if we'll ever get it, but I know I'm prepared to do my part to make ourselves accessible to others. Whether or not they'll reciprocate is the question.

I only have three weeks until I'm 40 weeks pregnant (full-term). I can't fully grasp my mind around all that's happening [and not happening] in the midst of her arrival. I have no idea where she's going to sleep. I don't know where all of Kaia's newborn clothes are stored. We still have tons of boxes in storage. The ones that are in the house are still unopened, stacked on top of each other in various parts of the house. I feel so unsettled. I wish I could be nesting right now. I wish I could be decorating and preparing "Tiny Bean's" room right now. God has other plans.

Most days, I feel blessed. I'm filled with gratitude for all the small and big things that God has provided for us. I focus on how much I have, not on how much I don't. I feel optimistic. I feel hopeful. Today was not one of those days. I woke up feeling heavy and tired. I felt like the weight of the world was upon my shoulders. As the day drew forth, every act of defiance from Kaia stuck me like a knife in the side. Every emotion felt so heightened. It still does. Thankfully, Kaia is down for her nap, sound asleep. I have a couple of hours to really pray and decompress before she wakes up full of energy.

I love her. I love my family. I love my life. It's just, nothing seems to be predictable or stable lately...or for quite some time now. Up until recently, I was fully able to trust in the Lord and rely on Him to give me the strength and wisdom to get through each day and surprise that seemed to come our way. Now, several months of living that way is really starting to build up. I am just full of anxiety because I just want things to work out for once. It seems like everything keeps happening one right after the other. I need a moment...to breathe...to think...to take it all in...all that's happened to us as a family and individually this past year...only God knows if I'll get it any time soon. Please, if at all possible may something be simple and straightforward in our lives...I'm so tired...so incredibly tired...

On the edge

2010-10-05T16:43:00.001-07:00

Song of the day: No song...I don't feel like any songs today...I just hear a loud ringing, constantly...

Lately, I feel like I might break any second. Kaia's seemingly endless energy, topped with horrible naptimes (sometimes non-existent). The in-laws. Nathan. Being almost 37 weeks pregnant. Catching a slight cold out of nowhere. House hunting with no real results. All of it. It's starting to really pick away at my sanity. I know that there isn't a whole lot I can do at this point, but I just want to drive far away by myself and have a good cry while looking out at the endless waves of a beautiful beach. Sigh~

Living with the in-laws, as amazingly considerate and thoughtful as they are, is really starting to wear on me. Every time I want to have some peace and quiet with Kaia, they're all trying to entertain her by making loud noises and running around with her. I don't want her to become this overstimulated child that always needs to be entertained by someone. That's going to make my life harder once I have a newborn to take care of and we're living in our own place with no extra hands around to help out. On top of that, I just feel like Nathan and I never really get any alone time. By the end of the night, once everyone has gone to their quarters, all I seem to get are his leftovers. That isn't really much lately. He just wants to go straight to bed. No talking. No sharing of hearts.

Also, I feel like this house hunt is never going to end. I know that God will provide in His perfect timing, but it just feels like we're constantly looking at houses online, contacting our real estate agent, going all the way out to Kailua [or whatever neighborhood the house is in] to look at it, signing papers to put in an offer, only to be rejected or outbid by numerous other offers. It's just exhausting and discouraging. Every place we've looked at is a major fixer-upper. There is hardly anything that's move-in ready that is anywhere near our budget. What was supposed to be a temporary one month stay with the in-laws has turned out to be already two months and counting. We'll most likely have to stay here for at least a few more months, maybe even up to a year or more if we keep being outbid on every house we find. Sigh~

I'm growing a lot in my love for God's Word. At the same time, I'm being tested left and right, it seems, by all these nagging things. I just want to scream. I just want to run away at times. I just want to sleep all day and night. I know that God doesn't give me more than I can handle. I've been through worse. I've gotten through worse. It just feels so much more daunting this time around. Maybe it's because I can't go through it in the privacy of my own home without numerous people constantly around to witness it. Maybe it's because I've had a difficult pregnancy and am feeling like it may never end. I don't know. All I know is that I feel drained of energy, enthusiasm, joy, and patience. Well, I'm starting to feel suffocated even right now as I blog this entry. I think I need to step outside in the backyard for a second to take a deep breath and collect myself before Nathan and my in-laws return home from their various errands. Lord, deliver me from all of this...at least from my own selfish and ungrateful heart.

Finding community

2010-09-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Elvis Presley's "Blue Hawaii"

Today, Kaia and I ventured out and went on our first play date with people we met through a group on the Meetup website. It was at the organizer's parents' house, which was directly on the water. It was breathtaking and unbelievable. We spent most of the time in the front yard where there were starfruit trees in full bloom. We picked them off the trees, ate some, and used some of them to dip in paint as food stamps. Kaia got to paint with a paintbrush for the first time. At first, she was bothered by the paint getting on her hands, feet, and clothes but she let go after a while and made a lovely painting. She even gave in and let me put her hands on the plate with all the paint so she could make her hand prints on her painting. It was so much fun. The only thing that was a bit of a disappointment was that it was all boys. Kaia was the only girl.

Us mommies got along very well, We all moved here less than a handful of months ago from various parts of the mainland. One of the moms actually lived in San Francisco for a while, so we had a lot to talk about. It was refreshing just having some time to share hearts with other women that understood the challenges I was facing. We're thinking of doing more meet ups in the future, which I'm really looking forward to. One of them, for sure, was not a believer because she stated that she didn't want to move to Kailua because there were too many religious/spiritual people there, but I'm not sure about the other one. Nonetheless, it was a great time of feeling somewhat "normal" in a world that seems so foreign to me. I hope we'll get to know one another better with time. Maybe Kaia will end up like me, growing up playing with mostly boys instead of girls. That's why I have such scarred up knees/legs. I used to do so many dangerous tricks on my bike with the boys in the neighborhood, coming home with blood running down my legs constantly.

I'm trying so hard to try and find my niche here, especially for Kaia's sake. I want her to have friends. I know it must get pretty old hanging out with her parents and grandparents all the time. She needs friends her age to play with. We've been trying out various toddler times at malls, bookstores, libraries, etc. Also, I'm going out to a women's Bible study every Friday and the kids get to play together during that time with some collegians to watch over them. Every chance I get, I want to expose her to the people here and her new surroundings. After all, this is where we'll be calling "home" for a good amount of years. I guess you can say I want to hit the ground running. I don't want to let laziness or timidness get in the way of hopefully finding some sense of community for Kaia and myself [and "Tiny Bean" once she enters this world]. God has been so amazing in presenting so many opportunities to do so. I hope it's only a matter of time and effort before we develop some great friendships.

Stay in there, baby!

2010-09-19T01:48:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Flo Rida's "Club Can't Handle Me"
(I didn't like this song until I found out Nathan liked it. Also, Kaia really likes the beat/melody. Every time it comes on the radio, Daddy puts the volume up and Kaia starts dancing.)

I'm a little over 34 weeks pregnant now. I can't believe I'm in the home stretch. Our "Tiny Bean" is coming any time now. I've been contracting several times a day for the past week or so. The doctor told me that if I have more than four in an hour, I might be in pre-term labor and need to call her immediately. How scary~ I didn't feel these contractions until just a few days before Kaia decided to come out in the world, so I'm a little on edge lately, not really knowing if God will bring out our little one a lot earlier than we thought she would. We'll have to be patient and see how God unfolds all of this.

5-6 more weeks and I'll be full-term. That is so bizarre to me. The beginning of this pregnancy went by so slowly. I thought I would never get to the second trimester. Then, as I reached the end of my second trimester and we were bombarded with the chaos of moving our lives to Oahu, things just started speeding up exponentially. Now, I am thinking back on these past 7-8 months of being pregnant and it really feels like it went by in a blink of an eye.

There are so many things I find myself wishing for lately. I wish I had more time alone with Kaia. It's been hard having special Mommy and Kaia moments ever since we moved here since there's always someone home with us. I wish I had more time to prepare myself to be a mommy of two! That is absolutely wild to me. I barely have grasped the reality that I'm a mother, period. Soon, I'll be a mother of two souls...I really can't believe it. I feel so blessed. I wish we had a place of our own to start "Tiny Bean's" life in. God only knows when we'll be able to find a place to call home. I wish I felt more energetic like I did when I was pregnant with Kaia. Like I said, I wish for many things. Nonetheless, I am grateful that the baby seems to be growing nice and strong.

Slowly, it's starting to get to me...not knowing how long we'll be living with Nathan's parents, what area we'll end up living in (various parts of the island are very different from one another), which church we'll be fully committing our time, energy, and hearts to, etc. I know being anxious, worrying, not fully trusting in His timing and sovereignty is so sinful...I wish I didn't question His plan for one split second, but I just find myself getting impatient with feeling like we're in limbo. I am so filled with sinfulness. I really want to be able to fully put my life in His hands and not think about it for one more second. Sadly, I struggle with it each and every day. Some days are easier than others. This past week, it was much harder than the previous ones. Maybe it's because I'm getting bigger by the day, or maybe it's because I've been learning a lot lately from the Word and Satan is trying to attack all that I'm learning and convicted by. Thankfully, I know that I am a constant work in progress with eternal hope that I will never be alone no matter how desperate and defeated I may feel. God provides...that much I know...so I'll continue to do my best to trust in His will for me...for our family.

Remembering to be grateful

2010-09-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: 2NE1's "I Don't Care"
(I haven't listened to this song in a while, but it really makes me want to just let everything go and be carefree.)

I went in for my gestational diabetes consultation today. Tomorrow, I'll have to go to a 3-hour class teaching me all about the nutrition and blood sugar monitoring that comes with having GD. I really wish I didn't have to do it but I'll do whatever it takes to make sure our "Tiny Bean" is as healthy as she can be. Thankfully, the physician said that my 3-hour blood glucose test didn't come back too high. It was just slightly over the norm, so it's unlikely that I'll need to take medication or insulin. I'll just have to watch my diet and exercise and I should be able to have a very healthy and normal end of the pregnancy and birth. I really hope so.

In a way, I'm kind of excited to go to the class tomorrow. Nutrition is something I'm always very interested in. My hope one day is to work with overweight/obese women and children. They're very much linked since moms are the ones that are usually the main influence on their children and what gets on their plates. It's a team effort. Maybe tomorrow will open up my eyes to more specific demographic, GD for pregnant women. Never know. Also, the physician said that what I'll learn tomorrow is something I can do for the rest of my life because it's actually a really healthy way to eat. It's not just for people with diabetes. So yes, it's a pain to have to go to all these appointments and such but I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow.

I've been getting frustrated with certain things lately--not being able to find a place to live, having all these appointments to go to before I give birth, not having any real space of my own, not knowing what church we're definitely going to settle into, etc. At the same time, I've been filled with this overwhelming trust in the Lord. I truly have faith that He has brought us to Hawaii for greater reasons than just being closer to more family. It reminds me that I just need to wait on the Lord. His timing is perfect, always has been. What I think is good for me might be the opposite. I don't have infinite knowledge of things to come like God does, so all I can do is continue to put it all in His hands.

One thing that has been bothering me quite a bit is how spoiled Kaia is becoming. Grandma and Grandpa can't seem to say no to her. She demands things of them and they just say, "Oh...okay, okay..." I keep telling them just to tell her no and not be afraid to reprimand her, but I constantly catch her doing things that she knows she's not supposed to do with them when I'm not looking. Once she sees me, she drops whatever it is she's doing and looks down at the floor because she knows that she's doing something that Mommy doesn't let her do. All this inconsistency with discipline and rules has left her extra fussy, even leading to frequent tantrums. It feels like all the work I've put into making sure she's not spoiled, disrespectful, or disobedient is getting undone with each day. That is my main reason why I wish we had our own place. I'm doing my best but it's hard when other people aren't on board. Sigh~

God is good. I have to keep reminding myself of that. God is good. His timing is perfect. He knows best. He will not give me more than I'm able to handle. He is sovereign, merciful, loving, and gracious. Every day I wake up with a roof over my head and food in my tummy, I need to be overflowing with gratitude. Kaia may be becoming a bit of a brat, but she's healthy and happy. She's talking so much now, in full sentences with her own additions. It brings me so much joy to see her thriving in so many ways, adjusting so well to her new life here. Now, it'll only be a matter of time before Mommy follows suit. In due time, I'm sure.

2010-09-06T02:41:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Israel Kamakawiwo Ol' s "White Sandy Beach of Hawaii"

"I saw you in my dreams
We were walking hand in hand
on a white, sandy beach of Hawaii
We were playing in the sun
We were having so much fun
on a white, sandy beach of Hawaii

The sound of the ocean
soothes my restless soul
The sound of the ocean
rocks me all night long..."

This song resonates so well with how I felt tonight...

We drove to Kailua to go to Lanikai Beach. So far, we've only gone to the beach on the east side of the island, where the sands are much more rocky and rough. The water and sands are still quite amazing, but they aren't powder soft and white like the ones you envision when you think of Hawaii. Tonight, we got to see one of the picturesque beaches that Hawaii is known for. We headed out there close to dusk with family for some fishing and relaxing. Kaia and I say in a little baby cabana that Daddy bought on sale today and played with her buckets in the sand. She loved it.

It wasn't all smooth sailing though. It was quite windy and started raining quite hard at one point. Thankfully, the temperatures here in Hawaii never gets that cold so Kaia and I still managed to keep ourselves fairly warm even though we were wearing shorts and a t-shirt/tank top. Now, that's paradise for you.

She so badly wanted to go into the water even though it was extremely windy and dark. To my surprise, the water was extremely warm. It felt like a lukewarm bath. The sand felt so soft against our feet. Kaia kept grabbing handfuls of it and rubbing it on my feet. The rest of the family were busy trying to catch some fish. Kaia and I just observed everyone with their silly headlights and fishing attire. A few of them caught some fish and Kaia got to see them up close. They were beautiful. We even saw tiny sea crabs crawling around and then disappearing into the sand, which she got a huge kick out of. Lastly, and the sweetest moment for me, was when it was pitch black out [and way past her bedtime] she sat on my lap in one of the beach chairs we brought with us, wrapped from head to toe with towels to keep warm, and we looked up at the multitude of stars in the sky together. She kept laying her head all the way back to look at the stars, then she would look a bit further at me with a huge smile. She kept saying, "Mommy...stars..." Seeing her eyes twinkle as she stared up at the stars made my heart melt. This is what I wanted for her...for us. One of the reasons we decided to move here was because we wanted our children to grow up surrounded by nature, appreciating and enjoying it. I think Kaia is definitely doing just that.

We thought she'd fall asleep on our way home since it was almost an hour past her bedtime. Maybe it was delirium. Maybe it was the renewed energy she got from all the beauty of God's creation that she got to enjoy. Whatever it was, she was so completely full of joy and energy on the entire ride home. She was dancing, talking, pretending to eat food out of a cup, kicking her feet against the towel on the back of Daddy's seat, and playing games with me. I felt so blessed to be a mother to such a tender, spirited, and good-natured child. Now, she is deep in sleep. I can't wait to do this again. There's something about being out in nature where there's not a whole lot of people or chaos. It's just you, the waves, the breeze, the soft sand...

God has created all of this...who else could have thought of such a breathtaking sight as beaches and the ocean? God is so gracious to have moved my family and I to Oahu so that we are able to enjoy such beauty on a regular basis. I sometimes can't believe that I'm really here. This is where Kaia will grow up. This is where our second baby girl will be born. I can't fully grasp the reality of it, even still. We've been here for over a month now and I still wonder when we're going to head back to California. It feels like we're visiting, just for a bit longer than usual. One day, I believe I'll be able to call this place my home. More so, I know Kaia and her sister will view this place as the only place they've ever really known. It feels so odd to think about that...but that's how God keeps me on my toes. I just never know what's around the corner.

Looking at the bright side of things

2010-09-02T17:41:00.001-07:00

Song of the day: Jars of Clay's "Out of my Hands"

In life, it is so easy to look at all the things that are going wrong or haven't worked out the way you wanted it to instead of focusing on all the small and big blessing each day brings forth. God is good. He has given me so much, this I know. Every morning I wake up and realize that I got to sleep in a warm bed with a roof over my head without any worries about being harmed by the elements or people. That alone is a huge blessing that we all take for granted. Then, I wake up and realize that I don't even have to think twice if I'll be eating breakfast or not because we have always had more than enough food to eat. That is a tremendous blessing that is so easy to take for granted because if you've never starved before or worried about where your next meal will be coming from it feels so natural to not think about what you're going to eat. After thinking through all of that, I go into Kaia's room to get her up and ready for the day. I see her smiling at me, saying "Hi Mommy..." and I feel overwhelmed with the gift that God had given me two years ago through her life. She is a joy. Yes, she is also a handful and may give me the most extreme migraines at times, but in the end she is my love. Many people, even couples that I know, desire so badly to have a child and can't seem to conceive. So, I feel extremely fortunate to have had one miracle granted to me...and another one on the way. Absolutely amazing~

Yes, there are things that are so not "ideal" for our family right now. We don't have our own place. We're living with grandma and grandpa. Most of our stuff is still in storage so we're living out of suitcases and boxes, or purely without the things we're used to since we don't have any more space to store our boxes in. Nonetheless, we have what is necessary and needed to survive each day. We have more than enough. We are bloated with love and God's provision.

Through this time, I've been inspired and encouraged to really be a woman that is hospitable and generous with what I have. Once we find a place of our own, I immediately want to open up our home to others. I want to cook for whomever will take a chance at tasting my cooking. Hehe~ I want our home to be a place of meeting for family and friends. We didn't do that enough in San Diego, but I was starting to near the end of our stay there. I want to carry that on over here. God has given us much, so we need to use it for His glory and to serve others. I am starting to really see what it means to live that out. Seeing how open Nathan's parents have been with their home toward us has taught me what it means to open up your home and heart to others. They have given us the entire bottom floor of their home with joy. They constantly ask us if we need anything else to feel more at home. They constantly remind us that we need to view their house as ours. The way they live, I truly see God's handiwork and love. I, too, want to be one who glorifies God in that way. What a ministry.

Life is way too short and much too precious to waste dwelling on what we still want and may not have. God has given us this day to live for His glory, not our comforts and achievements. God is teaching me so much through this time of being in limbo. I'm learning patience and putting others first. I'm learning how to live with others that may not do things the way I'm used to. I tend to be a bit controlling when it comes to my living space, so it's been a challenge living in someone else's home, doing things the way they're used to doing things. At the same time, it's been teaching me to be more flexible and open when it comes to how things are to be done. God has been too good to me. I trust that He will continue to teach and stretch me throughout this time. I am excited to see what will come of all this.

Hoping for an anchore

2010-09-02T02:27:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: 112's "All Cried Out"
(I haven't heard this song in ages, but I just heard it on the radio today and it just brought back so many tender memories...)

I just found out today that I have gestational diabetes...part of me knew this pregnancy was different. I'm way bigger at this point in the pregnancy than I was with Kaia. I feel bigger. I look bigger. I feel much more sore and achy. I've been getting more dizzy spells. Now, I know why. I was probably experiencing low blood sugar levels every time I was feeling dizzy, sweaty, and faint. Poor "Tiny Bean." Nothing seems to be coming easy for her. I'm going to meet with a specialist for a consultation of what I need to do from here on out to monitor my blood sugar levels and making sure our baby is as healthy as she can be.

One of the handful of complications and fears of gestational diabetes [and not taking care of yourself while dealing with it] is that it could lead to many health issues, even the possibility of death before birth. One of the other outcomes could be that the baby gets too big in size that you'll be forced into a C-section birth. I don't want that one bit. I want to give this baby the best of me, what I was able to do for Kaia. I gave birth to Kaia all natural, not one ounce of medication, so I want to be able to provide that for "Tiny Bean" as well. I pray that God would allow that to happen.

We're almost 32 weeks pregnant now...only about 8 more weeks to go before she's due to come out into this world. There are so many things that are still incredibly unstable and up in the air. We have no idea where we're going to live. We have no idea what we're going to do with our stuff in storage. We have no idea what church we're going to settle down at. We have no idea if "Tiny Bean" will be born with chromosome issues or not. There are just so many uncertainties.

At the same time, God has been so good in providing me with the desire to put myself out there. This past week alone, Kaia and I went on our first play date with some of the ladies from the church we've been attending for the past few weeks. Then, we went to a toddler reading/craft time at a bookstore nearby. Tomorrow, we're hoping to make it out to the local library for another toddler story time. I'm also looking into this Keiki Hula class a little outside of this area where the mommies sit down and join in on some hula moves with their little ones. It sounds fun. I'm just trying to get Kaia and myself some sense of community here. We have no friends yet so I want to be proactive in seeking that out for us.

There are so many things weighing heavily on my heart lately. Even so, I know that God is good and that all of this is for a greater purpose. I'm realizing that Kaia is a strong little girl that has a heart of gold, adjusting to new things much better than I anticipated. She is growing up before my eyes. I'm also realizing that I can rise to the occasion and face some of my fears, especially of meeting new people and putting myself out there in new situations and environments. I know it's not going to be easy making a life here, but I'm grateful that God's provided me with the strength, desire, and will to tackle it head on.

Forgive me, my precious gift

2010-08-30T00:52:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Jeremy Camp's "We Cry Out"

The other night, the most horrific thing happened: I caused Kaia to get hurt very badly. She was reaching down trying to grab onto her drooping diaper, so I tried to help her by grabbing her by her legs to get the diaper out from her pants, but she stood up right at the moment that I pulled her up so she went face first into the tile floor. In a microsecond, I heard her face make a huge thud noise with a slight sharp noise, probably from her teeth hitting the floor. I instantly picked her up and looked at her face. Blood was dripping from her upper lip area. She was crying hysterically. I held her close to me and kept telling her how sorry I was. We tried to put ice on it to make the bleeding and swelling slow down. Her lip was already very swollen within a minute. The pain was probably too much so she wouldn't let us hold the ice to her mouth for more than a split second. We decided I should probably sleep with her since she might not be able to sleep alone from the shock and pain. I tried holding a ice cold cloth to her mouth for a few minutes before she fell asleep next to me. The entire night, I kept checking to see how her lip looked. I prayed ceaselessly throughout the night, that God would heal her and give her comfort. I felt so incredibly terrible. I'm her Mommy. I'm supposed to prevent accidents from happening to her, not causing them. Sigh~

I spent the whole night feeling like the worst mom ever. I kept thinking, "How am I going to protect and take care of two little ones when I can barely take care of Kaia alone?" I just hope I don't ever hurt them so badly that they have to go to the E.R. or something. My goodness...I don't think my heart would be able to handle it. All night, I just stared at Kaia sleeping, thanking God for blessing me with such a lovely child...that she would be able to forgive me for accidentally hurting her...for being such an imperfect mom...I barely slept a total of an hour. I kept checking the time, looking at her lip, and stroking her face and hair, praying for her speedy recovery.

Thankfully, this morning she opened her eyes, looked at me and smiled, saying, "Hi, Mommy!" My heart instantly melted. She kept smiling at me with her slightly swollen lip and wrapped her hands around my neck. I thought she would be in so much pain today. I was expecting her to be extra fussy. She was amazing. She was all smiles from the moment she woke up until the moment she went down for the night tonight. We spent most of the day alone because everyone else went to church while I nursed Kaia's wound. I made her all soft foods--porridge, applesauce, etc.--and she even got a little serving of organic ice cream because she was being so good. The only thing that was a little different today was that she was even more clingy with me. She only wanted me. She wanted to be held a lot. I didn't mind. I was just so grateful that she wasn't in any evident pain and was in such good spirits.

I praise God for healing, physical as well as spiritual. Seeing how much it pained and grieved me to see Kaia in physical pain made me think about how painful it must and might be if Kaia were to reject the Word of God. I pray for her, that she would come to know Him so that no matter what happens to her physical body, she will have the hope of eternity with the Lord. There will be many more accidents that I'll have to witness, handle, and comfort her through in the future...I'm thankful that I have the hope of the Lord to anchor me from going off the edge if something truly tragic were to happen to my loved ones...God forbid...but let it be His will, not mine...

Feeling the stretch

2010-08-24T04:36:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: It's still Bruno Mars' "Just The Way You Are"
(I can't get enough of this song. I just keep playing it over and over. I haven't had a song that I've been this into in quite a while.)

My belly looks like I'm ready to pop. Everyone keeps telling me that, especially when I tell them that I still have 9-10 more weeks to go to be full-term. I don't remember being this huge with Kaia. Weight-wise, it's been almost identical to when I was pregnant with Kaia, but I feel so much more huge. My belly definitely is a bit bigger than when I had Kaia.

Either way, I'm starting to feel the strain of all the changes going on with my body. Every morning, I wake up with extreme cramps in my calves. It hurts so badly, but I know the stretches I used to do with Kaia that helped so it's not as bad as the first time around. I'm starting to waddle a little when my legs feel a bit more swollen than normal. As much as my body is being stretched, I feel like I'm being stretched spiritually/emotionally. The great possibility that we won't be able to move into a place of our own before "Tiny Bean" is born makes me a bit sad and overwhelmed. I have no idea where we're going to put her since all the rooms in Nathan's parents' house is occupied. I have no idea how I'm going to heal with so many people in the house. I don't know how I'm going to feel emotionally having everyone making a commotion around me every minute of the day, not having the comforts of my own home since everything is still in storage, and just dealing with sleep deprivation, possible challenges with breastfeeding [like I did with Kaia], and adjusting to having a newborn again. I just pray that I would be able to keep it together on the most part.

We're going to be looking at some houses this week. One of Nathan's childhood friends is a real estate agent and seems to really know his stuff. We had a meeting with him this past weekend, informing him on what we're looking for, and he instilled a lot of hope in me. He really seemed to know what he was talking about, and seemed confident that he could find us a great place. This could possibly be our home for the next twenty something years. Nathan's parents have been living in their current home for over 20 years. Nathan grew up there. Not a whole lot has changed. All his memories are in this house. I want that for Kaia, for us. I want to be able to say that we're done moving. We've been moving around from house to house every 2 years or so for the past several years. It'd be nice to finally settle down somewhere and make it a safe haven and comfort for our children.

As each day passes, there are negative things that I seem to dwell on a little bit, but there are also so many blessings and joys. The biggest one is that Kaia has really excelled exponentially since she's moved here. She's so much more social, able to adapt to new environments much faster, and has been learning an endless amount of new things because of all the people she interacts with daily. She says the most hilarious things. She knows so much more than I thought she would at this age. She's smiling a lot more than before. She was always a really goofy and happy baby around me, but now she's really smiley to everyone. I look at her and can't believe she's the same little newborn that I held in my arms for the first time two years ago. She's such a big girl now. I keep telling her that she's going to be a big sister really soon, and that there's a baby inside Mommy's tummy, but I'm not sure if she fully comprehends the reality of it.

Nonetheless, I have no doubt that she's going to be an amazing big sister. We've been attending Harbor Church in Kaimuki for the past couple of Sundays since the whole nursery situation didn't work out for us with IGC, and she really takes care of the younger ones in nursery. She tries to direct them to play with her, and gently touches them to make sure that they are okay. It melts my heart to see her taking care of others. I can only imagine how she will be toward her own little sister. Also, she's always been a bit of an overly sensitive, very perceptive, tenderhearted girl, but she's gotten more so as she's gotten older. Whenever anyone gets hurt, cries, looks upset, etc. her face frowns up with concern and she whines while trying to see what she can do to make things better. Whenever I seem upset or in pain, she runs over to me and gently touches my face or gives me a hug. She is naturally so tenderhearted like I am. I've always been really soft when it comes to emotions, especially of others, and she seems to be taking after me in that aspect. I love that. I pray that she would continue to grow in her compassion toward others and that she would use it for incredible things as she grows up.

Well, I'm reaching my 31st week of pregnancy. I can't believe it. I can't believe that in less than 10 weeks, I'm going to be staring into my second miracle's face. Sigh~ I know I'm going to love her instantly. I already feel so in love with her. Every time I feel her move, kick, hiccup, I just rub my tummy, wanting so badly to meet her and hold her in my arms. Kaia is so much fun and I love more than I've ever loved anyone, but I miss the newborn stage so it'll be nice having a little one around again. I get to enjoy all the small and big milestones again. I am so grateful to God for allowing me another opportunity to experience it. I am so blessed to have Kaia, my first incredibly gift and miracle...now, to have another miracle come into our lives...I just am in awe of His grace and generosity. I love my family.

Now, back to our regular programming

2010-08-15T17:36:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are"
(I know it's silly but this song gives me goosebumps. His smooth voice along with the melody and words just really does it for me.)

What a weekend~ We finally had Kaia's birthday bash with all our relatives and friends here on the island. We decorated with all Toy Story things, used purple, green, and white balloons (Buzz colors), and had tons of Korean food. I made all the meats--bulgogi, kalbi, bbq chicken, spicy bbq chicken. It was a lot of work but great to see everyone enjoying it. Nathan's parents invited a few of the kids and their families from their church since Kaia doesn't have any young friends in Oahu yet, and they all loved all the Toy Story things. Kaia looked so confused at first but warmed up once the kids came. Also, she took an instant liking to one of our cousins, Marissa. It was so cute how she wouldn't leave her side and got so upset when she had to leaves. The girl knows what she likes.

Today, we checked out another church because of the nursery situation last week. I got to stay inside the nursery to observe. It felt more like N1 from our old church, LBC, since most of the kids were crying and being held, while the other kids just played with toys. There wasn't any teaching time or an official snack time. It was just go-with-the-flow and seemed more like a babysitting time. I would have really liked a teaching time, but I am glad that I feel safe in leaving here there. There's lots of space and the workers were very attentive and caring toward the children. We're going to try and check it out at least a couple of more times before we decide whether to stay there or go back to stick it out with Grace Island Church. Either way, I know that God will guide us and give us the wisdom we need to make the right decision for our family.

It still hasn't fully hit me that we're living in Oahu. It feels like some sort of dream because I feel like we're just visiting still. We don't have our own place yet. Most of our furniture and other things are in storage. I haven't made any real connections yet in terms of playmates for Kaia and myself. So yes, it hasn't really sunken in that we're here for good. I pray that we would get our bearings soon. For Kaia's sake, and mine as well, we need to really get plugged into a church, a community, etc. Especially since I'm giving birth in ten weeks or so...I want to be able to give Kaia a little more stability before the truly huge change in our lives comes. I pray that she would take to being a big sister well. I pray that I would be able to give Kaia and her sister the attention that they need without making one or the other feel too neglected. Lastly, I pray that we would be able to call somewhere our "home" really soon.

29 weeks

2010-08-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Taylor Swift's "Mine"
(Sad to admit, I really like Taylor Swift songs. They have a carefree, sweet, innocent feel to them that makes me feel light.)

Only 10-11 more weeks to go. I took my one-hour glucose test this morning, and am hoping that I won't be called in for the three-hour one. I can't believe how fast this trimester has been going so far. Finally, I went in for my 28-29 week check up yesterday with my new doctor in Oahu. It went really well. Oddly, the nurse that checked me in and the doctor I saw are both from San Diego. They only moved out to Hawaii a couple of years ago. It made me feel a little more confirmed that I'm supposed to be here, and that I could possibly fit in one day.

The closer I get to my "due date," the more anxious I feel about everything. We still haven't come close to finding a place we might be able to move into any time soon. Everything is too expensive or too far from where we want to be. It'd be ideal to be close to the in-laws so we could have that support system nearby, but since they live in one of the more pricier parts of the island it's hard to find anything in our price range that isn't a complete tear down. I really don't want to go into labor at my in-laws or go through the first few weeks with a newborn with so many people around every day.

On top of that, I am a bit anxious about how Kaia will react to her baby sister once she arrives. She is extremely needy and jealous when it comes to me, so I can't imagine what she's going to be like when another little one is taking so much of my time. I pray that it would be a smooth transition for her. So many things have been changing in her life lately that I'm not sure how this change will affect her. It might be just too much for her to handle. Or not. We'll have to wait and see.

Another big concern on my mind lately is finding a home church to get plugged into. We thought we were for sure going to stick with Grace Island Church, the church we've visited 2-3 times now, but after observing the nursery last week I was very discouraged. I didn't feel safe leaving Kaia there because there wasn't enough staff for the amount of kids. Also, since all the children were grouped together, ages ranging from less than 2 years old to 10, the lesson that was being taught was way over Kaia's head. She lost interest right after it started because it was too wordy and not interactive enough for her age group. Also, the older kids were so rough and kept bumping into her and shoving her with not enough adults to regulate safety. If I wasn't there to observe, Kaia would have been hurt a few times. As much as we loved the people and what the church stood for, it has to be a good fit for our entire family. I have to feel that Kaia is safe and learning about the Lord while we are.

So, we're planning on going out to another church this coming Sunday. I've listened to the sermons online, read their entire website from start to finish, and it sounds wonderful so far. They even have four different ministries for the keiki (children), one ranging from 6 months to 2 years, which Kaia would probably be in. They have about 2-3 staff for each group, depending on the size of the group, which sounds ideal. We'll see where God leads us. I just really want to find a church that we can commit to as soon as possible.

Lastly, although Kaia's birthday was this past Monday, we decided to have the BIG party this coming Saturday since we haven't seen any of Nathan's relatives on the island since we got here. Planning for it has been a bit stressful. I mean, we're not making it as big as her first but even thinking about making a few dishes for 20-30 mouths is quite daunting, especially being very pregnant and feeling lightheaded quite often lately. We're doing a Korean food fest with all types of Korean BBQ meats and side dishes, and of course since I'm the only Korean in this clan (hehe) they're all depending on me to make it myself instead of buying everything pre-made. Sigh~ We'll see how it goes. I'm sure no matter how stressful the preparations may be, it'll end up being an amazingly sweet time of laughter and joy celebrating our little girl's life. We bought all the Toy Story themed party supplies yesterday. It's going to be a blast, especially for our Kaia. I can't wait.

Oh, "Tiny Bean," I hope you're holding up in there. I know there is a lot of things probably stressing Mommy out, and in turn that you might be feeling physically as well, but I pray that you are growing nice and healthy in there. We heard your heartbeat the other day and everything sounded perfect and strong. It still is odd to me that you're in there. I can't quite believe it. I am so incredibly excited to meet you in a couple of months. You're going to be born into a huge family with so much love...and no matter what problems you may come into this world with [or not] we'll go through it together.

A brighter day

2010-08-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: The Beach Boys' "California Girls"

Kaia had a wonderful night of rest last night. Although she did wake up quite early, around 6 a.m., she didn't wake up once during the night. She even had a wonderful morning playing with Mommy and a solid nap in the afternoon. Now, she is playing on the piano with Grandpa and singing "Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do" super loud. It brings a smile to my face to see her thriving here slowly. I see how much she enjoys having extra attention from someone besides Mommy. She definitely is testing her boundaries more since she thinks these new people will allow her to do things that Mommy and Daddy don't allow her to do, but she's also becoming much more social and less apprehensive about spending alone time with others without Mommy being in sight.

Also, yesterday was our first day at Island Grace Church. It will possibly be our home church here in Oahu. I'm praying that it will be. There are about 30-40 people that attend regularly and they meet at the pastor's home. It was very different from what I've become accustomed to at LBC. The praise singing time was a lot longer. Obviously, things were much more casual, not so structured. After the service, we shared lunch that various members had brought for a potluck style meal. The children are dropped at another home nearby. We didn't leave Kaia there this time since we didn't know about it. Also, we wanted to make sure she felt safe and comfortable in the new environment. There was a little girl around the same age as Kaia that took to her right away. She grabbed her by the shirt and pulled her to the stairway where they played for a long time while us parents talked with some of the adult members. I met some wonderful women that truly had a deep love for God and people. Just the way they spoke and how they reacted to things that I shared with them, it was evident that they understood and lived out the love of Christ. I am excited to go back next week. I know it'll take time to adjust and "fit in" but I haven't felt this instantly taken in since I went to VKCC in LA [where I became saved].

I am so grateful to God for allowing my transition to the island be as smooth as it has been. Yes, there are still things I'm trying to figure out. Yes, I know I'll have days when I will feel trapped and depressed being so far from the land of CA that I love [and those that I love that live there]. Yes, Kaia is acting up more so than ever and testing me almost every chance she can get, probably because she's already caught on to the fact that Grandma, Grandpa, and Uncle Nick lets her get away with a lot more than I do. Even so, it's been a surprisingly lovely passage from the mainland to the islands. I pray that it would continue to get easier to accept my new life here in Oahu.

I still can't believe I'm here...

2010-08-01T01:37:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Don't feel like a song today...there's just too much on my mind...

I can't believe it's been a whole day since we've arrived here in Oahu. It feels so incredibly surreal. I know we're here, but it just feels like when we usually visit. We're staying at Nathan's parents house, which we always do when we come here to visit. We're staying in the same room that we always do when we stay here. We're still not back to our normal schedule so things still feel temporary.

We spent most of the morning looking at houses that we might want to live in. There was one home that we loved but it would be almost a year-long wait. I'm not sure if I could handle moving into a rental for the time being, then having to move one more time into our new home all with being very pregnant and then having a newborn and full-on toddler. I know that the Lord will provide [as He has with everything else] but it is quite daunting driving all over the place looking at places that are just not the right fit for us.

It really hit me that we're here for good while we were looking at the homes. I can't believe this is my reality now. I feel as though I'm going to wake up tomorrow and fly back to California. I miss my "home" of 25 years. I look around now and see all these dark people wearing very little clothing and wonder what world I've entered. I'm used to seeing people wearing jeans, long-sleeved shirts, driving their luxury SUV's...now, I'm surrounded by people wearing tank tops, shorts, swept up hair, and driving cars I haven't seen in ages. It's also weird being surrounded by so many Asians. I know there were a good amount in San Diego, but we always lived on the coastal areas where mostly Caucasians lived.

Kaia has had an extremely difficult time adjusting. I had to sleep with her last night. She was sleeping in her portable crib while I slept on the twin right next to it. She woke up twice crying profusely, calling out "Mommy." It broke my heart. Then, all day today she was incredibly fussy and clingy. All she wanted was Mommy. She didn't want Daddy. Whenever I walked away for a second, her eyes would get filled with tears and she would look around with panic in her eyes, searching for me. I really pray that she would adjust to her new home soon. I can only imagine what she's thinking. There was no real way to warn her. I explained for the entire month before we moved here that she would have a new home. I told her about Hawaii and how we'd be staying her grandma and grandpa for the first month or so. Nonetheless, I don't think anything could have really prepared her for this drastically different world she's entered. It's been so hard on me because I can barely hold her now that I'm almost 7 months pregnant. Her weight puts way too much pressure on my stomach. I don't know how I'm going to do it much longer.

I pray that Kaia and I would adjust to Hawaii soon. I'm having a hard time as well. I find myself thinking about California so much. I miss San Francisco. I miss my parents. I miss Lighthouse Bible Church. I miss our friends. I miss nursery for Kaia. I miss the mild weather. I just miss it all. I know it'll probably be that way for a while, maybe as long as I live here, but I also know that it'll get better with each day.

Tomorrow will be my first day at our possible new church. Nathan already attended the church a couple of weeks ago when he flew in for his grandfather's funeral. It will be my first time. I'm excited to meet the other families. It's a church plant from the Bay Area that has been meeting at someone's home for the past several months. I know it'll be very different from what I've gotten used to at LBC, but I also know that God will be present. I trust that God has led us here for a greater purpose than what we are aware of. I'm scared, but I'm also very excited to see what God will do in my life and my family's life. Updates to come.

At the end

2010-07-27T04:08:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Eminem feat. Rihanna's "Love The Way You Lie"
(My sister told me about this song because it reminded her of the time in my life when I was in an abusive relationship...every time I listen to it, I get filled with so much emotion and can't help from tearing up.)

Only three more full days and we will be leaving San Diego and flying into Oahu, our new "home." All this time, it hasn't really hit me that I am really moving because I was still living in my San Diego house and attending LBC every week. Nothing was really changing. These past couple of days it has started to hit me. We're frantically packing all our belongings and the more boxes I see in our house, filled to the brim, I'm starting to feel the reality of it all.

Moving to Oahu has forced us to face some heartbreaking decisions. Our sweet dog, Chloe, of the past 3-4 years will no longer be a part of our family...it was the hardest decision I've had to make but Nathan and I agreed that letting her go is the truly loving thing to do. You see, we got her when she was only 6 weeks old from a humane shelter here in San Diego when we weren't getting pregnant. I always loved dogs and thought that if I wasn't able to have children of my own I would adopt dogs and raise them as my "children." Chloe and I had our growing pains, but I taught her everything she knows. She's so tender and mild-tempered. She isn't the most obedient dog at times but she doesn't possess an aggressive bone in her body. All she ever wants to do is play and be loved. I used to be able to give that to her. Sadly, ever since Kaia's been born she has been greatly neglected by us. All my attention, time, and energy goes to Kaia, Nathan, and God, which has left hardly any room for Chloe. Surrendering her to the shelter we got her from breaks my heart into a million pieces. Every time Nathan brings it up, I just break down in tears. She's my baby. She's the only dog I've ever owned. I named her. She has been there since almost the beginning of our marriage, and Kaia has grown up with her by her side. She absolutely adores her...but we know that this no-kill shelter will give her the attention and care that she needs and craves. We feel confident that she'll get adopted easily by someone that is more prepared and able to give her the life that she deserves...we're surrendering her to them tomorrow...I don't think I'll ever really get over giving her up...it was the last thing I wanted, but it'd be selfish to keep her with us, especially with another baby on the way...I pray that she finds her happiness with a wonderful family soon...

Leaving San Diego...all the friends I've made over the past 4-5 years...the wonderful individuals that have actively loved Kaia ever since she was born...the great weather...all the places Nathan and I have so many memories at as friends, girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife, and now parents. It's been such a roller coaster of a journey for me here. I wanted so badly to leave when I first moved back after getting married. I was depressed because I felt that San Diego was not the place for me. I remember giving Nathan the hardest time for bringing me back to the city that I felt rejected by in college. Oddly, after several years I am the one that is tearful as I think of leaving this place. Nathan is excited to go back to his hometown, but I feel so much sadness leaving all that we've built upon here.

I know God has amazing things in store for us in Oahu, I'm sure of it, but it doesn't make it any easier to leave. Tomorrow the movers are coming to pack up the rest of our stuff. Then, they'll start taking out the boxes one by one, leaving more and more empty space in this house...this will no longer be our home...just a place we once used to call home. This is the only home Kaia has known. She knows exactly which one our house is even though all the houses in our neighborhood looks similar. This is where she feels secure and at ease...I wonder how she'll adjust to the new world we're about to enter. Sigh~

I already miss my friends and family. Being on the same piece of land instead of being overseas makes you feel closer even if you may be thousands of miles away. Last week, we went to visit my parents one last time in San Francisco before our move and it was truly the sweetest time I've had with my mom. We spent almost every night walking the beautiful streets of Japantown and Lower Pacific Heights while sharing our hearts about life and all the heaviness of it. For the first time, it felt like we were on the same page...as if she saw me as her equal, a friend, not her youngest daughter. I got to share deeply and honestly with her. As we left SF, I sobbed thinking that it would be a while until I would be able to see my parents again. I love them so much and wish they could come to Oahu with me. It hurts not to be able to see the people that raised you your entire life. I pray that God would continue to work in our relationship even with the distance and time difference. I love my parents, and love the bond I have with my mom so very much. I want it to continue to evolve and grow. I never thought I'd be able to call my mom one of my dearest friends...

Well, it is extremely late and I have a little more packing to do before sunrise. The movers will be here in less than 6 hours so I better get a little more done before I grab a little shut-eye. Good night, San Diego. Thank you for forcing me to grow in so many ways over the past several years. I know it hasn't always been an easy ride, but I look back on it all and am so very grateful for the good and bad because it has allowed me to learn more about myself and others...and especially God. Praise our Lord for being so sovereign, giving us the strength to go into the unknown because we know He is in full control.

Sister time!

2010-07-08T12:53:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: KT Tunstall's "Suddenly I See"

My sister is coming into town tomorrow morning. I am so excited. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving...that's almost 8 months!!! Insane~! It has been something I've been thinking about for months now and it's finally happening. It's funny because she's my sister but when I haven't seen her for so long I feel like I'm going to meet a celebrity. I get all nervous and think about what I'm going to do with her and talk about. The best thing is that I'll be able to hug her and look at her in the eyes while we're talking instead of just hearing her voice over the phone.

It's odd. Thinking that this is the last time I'll see her in San Diego. Over the past 7-8 years, we've had our siblings come to our place for Thanksgiving as a sibling tradition. It all started when I was starting to get to know Nathan as "friends." I was very interested in him and since he wasn't going to Hawaii for Thanksgiving and I wasn't going to San Francisco, we decided to have Thanksgiving together at his place. All his roommates were all gone from spending the holidays with their families in various parts of Los Angeles. Since his brother and my sister were both in Los Angeles and not going anywhere as well, they came up to spend it with us as well. We watched a Pixar film, ate to our heart's content, and enjoyed the rest of the night talking and getting to know each other. That was the beginning of our ongoing tradition of having Thanksgiving together. Now, it'll be in Hawaii probably with tons of relatives around. That will be sweet as well but it definitely won't be the same.

Well, I don't know what we're going to do this weekend but I just can't wait for her to be here. I can't wait to do every day things with her. I miss the days when we lived together in Los Angeles and would go grocery shopping together. We would just wake up slowly on the weekends and decide what we were going to do depending on what we felt like. Sometimes we'd go to a farmer's market. Sometimes we'd go drive into Melrose and look at some shops. Other times, we'd just stay in our neck of the woods and explore small boutiques and second-hand stores. Some days, if we both were just not feeling like going out into the hectic chaos of West Los Angeles, we'd just stay home, rent a classic film, talk about it afterward, listen to some jazz with a cup of tea and talk about life and all that God was doing in our hearts. I miss those days a lot.

Now, Kaia gets to be a part of that. She gets to spend time with her Auntie Ji Son and see the lovely woman that I grew up with as my sister and best friend. It's funny because my sister isn't a kid person. Neither was I. Slowly, she's warming up to the role of auntie. I know it must not be as natural as the transition to motherhood was for me since I had her growing inside of me for nine months. I had a deep connection from the very beginning.

Well, whatever we end up doing I know it's going to be a blessed and sweet time of fellowship. I am constantly challenged, inspired, and touched by my dear sister. I need this weekend, this time with her. She is definitely one of my touch stones in life. She grounds me and keeps me sane in a life that doesn't quite make sense most of the time. Sisters...they're the best...well, at least mine is. Hehe~ I am truly blessed to have a sister that takes me for who I am with no judgments. She celebrates all of me, flaws included. She forgives me faster than I can ask for it. She sees me through rose-tinted glasses. She loves me. I love her. I couldn't ask for more in a sister and friend. Weekend, here we come--good times ahead!

Bittersweet

2010-07-07T00:44:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Teenage Fanclub's "Live With the Season"

It's weird. I've been living here in San Diego ever since I got married [and a couple of years for my last two years of undergrad], and I never really found someone that I could fully click with. There was always some sort of blockage keeping me from fully feeling connected to them. There were times when I was so depressed because no one really knew me here. Everyone knew the surface Ji Young. No one knew the core of who I was. I didn't feel like I knew the core of anyone either. This made me feel so suffocated and trapped here. Slowly, I started to feel less hardened about letting people in. I started reaching out to people that I might not usually hang out with. It led to sweet times and some tender moments. Nonetheless, I still felt that there wasn't anyone I could see a lifelong friendship with.

Recently, as I'm preparing to move, I've run into some people that I've always known in passing but never thought I would click with...and they're amazing. I really could see a genuine friendship developing...but now I'm moving away. It breaks my heart. I know I'll keep in touch with them via email and such, but I won't be able to get the face time it requires to develop a strong friendship. Sigh~

As sad as that makes me, I am so grateful that I got to know them even if it's at the tail end of my stay here. Just the handful of times I've been able to spend with them has been an immense blessing to my soul. It really has restored my faith in friendship in adulthood, and it's given me great reason to come back to San Diego to visit in the future. God really is allowing me to leave this place on a incredibly sweet note. It gives me hope for the life I'll lead in Oahu. I hope that I'll continue to be open, allowing people into my home and heart. I really pray that I would have many opportunities to serve others, even people that I may not see myself meshing well with from the get go. I am saddened that I'm leaving the handful of incredible sisters I've met here, but excited for what God has in store for me in the journey ahead.

Also, now I have people that might visit us in Hawaii. That is something I'm really looking forward to, having people from San Diego and other parts of the mainland stay with us when they decide to vacation in Oahu. It is going to be so wonderful being able to fellowship with them in a new environment. How sweet~

We only have about two real good weeks here in San Diego since one of our three weeks left here in California will be spent visiting my parents in San Francisco and packing up/tying up loose ends. It's happening much too fast. I wish I had more time to meet with people and truly take all of San Diego in before we leave it for good. Sigh~ May I be able to take it all in, even in the midst of all the chaos of moving. I really don't want to forget any of this...the struggles, heartache, growth, giving birth to Kaia and raising her here, having such wonderful sisters to share my life with...God is so good to have allowed me these past five years here. With my sister coming to visit this coming weekend, I'm going to try and soak it all in.

An era is coming to an end...good-bye California...

2010-06-30T04:40:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Ella Fitzgerald's "They All Laughed"

I can't believe it's happening.

I can't believe in less than a month I'm going to be leaving the only "home" I've ever known (California) and moving to Oahu.

Whew~ I really don't know what to expect. There's a huge part of me that has so much fear of all the change--climate, environment, people, customs, church, living situation, in-laws, etc. At the same time, there's a part of me that is excited about how God will use this time in our lives as individuals and as a family.

Ever since I was four years old, I lived in major cities all within California. I am a Cali girl through and through. I love the endless roads you can drive on. I love the weather, never extremely hot or extremely cold. I love the hustle and bustle of city life. I love the diversity of cultures, cuisines, entertainment outlets, and people. Hawaii is much more...one color...at least from what I've collected from the numerous times I've been there.

Another aspect of the challenge of moving to a whole new world and lifestyle is that we'll be living with Nathan's parents until we find a place of our own. It should be interesting. I'm not sure what it's going to be like, exactly, but I know I'm one that needs her own space. I don't mind living with peers but when parents come into the picture it gets a bit difficult for me to deal with. I am very grateful that they are opening up their home to us, but with being six months pregnant I am not as tolerant and comfortable with chaos as usual. May God be with me.

Well, nonetheless, I'm trusting God and my husband, packing up my lifelong possessions and heading to the Aloha state. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be blogging a lot more once I move there. There's going to be a lot of release that needs to be done. I'm going to really miss this...

What a life you led...

2010-06-25T10:00:00.001-07:00

Gung-Gung...you lived a wonderful life. You took chances. From what I've heard from Nathan and his parents, you were filled with love for your children and others. You were an educator by profession, as well as a way of life. You gave of yourself to your loved ones. I didn't know you from those days...

I did know you in your old age. I met you for the first time at your 91st birthday when I had just gotten engaged to your grandson, Nathan. Your smile and warmth made me feel instantly at ease. I heard and saw just how much joy you had in being able to meet and hold your first great grandchild, Kaia. I remember the last time we were in Hawaii, she randomly kept giving you hugs. Even at her young age, she could probably sense the kindness and warmth of your soul.

I truly was looking forward to having our second child, your second great grandchild, meet you in a few months...I'm so saddened that she won't ever get to physically meet you and be blessed by your spirit. Nonetheless, we will speak of you for many years to come. We will show our children pictures and tell them your stories so that they know where they've come from. They will know the huge heart you possessed and the immense love you had for them even before they entered this world.

I am grateful that I got to speak to you before they let you go. I praise God that you knew Him as your Lord and Savior, that you are in a much better place now...that you have rest...that you won't be hurting anymore. We will miss you greatly, especially at our family gatherings. No doubt, your spirit will be heavily with us. We love you...until we see you again...

The noise just won't stop

2010-06-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: No song...I don't feel like music today...

What a day...it's Father's Day...a day that we were supposed to celebrate with joy and endless laughter, reflecting on how great of a year of being a dad [and parent] its been. Sadly, on the way home from church we got into a heated argument about things lately. I've been frustrated with certain things. I've been growing bigger and more tired by the day with no sign of real help in sight. I know a lot of moms do it alone, but I honestly feel like I'm running on empty lately. I feel as though when things get too tough for me, especially physically, and I need to reach out to someone for that supportive hand, I don't have it.

Yes, I know that Nathan has a very demanding job now. He has been very spoiled for most of his working life because he had it really easy. Now, he has a "normal" job where you have to work most, if not all, of the time that you're on site. It's left a big void in our home life. He comes home exhausted, on edge, exasperated, done. At the same time, I've been at home all day with our active little one, trying to take care of myself in the midst of taking care of her because of the little one growing inside of me. So, when he gets home I'm pretty much done as well. Even so, I am the primary caretaker so I have to keep "running". I've done it without a whole lot of complaining for the past month or so that Nathan has been employed at his new job. This week, it just all built up and got to me. Today, I wanted to tell Nathan what a wonderful father he is and how much I appreciate him. I started to...then, I started to realize that I didn't really mean everything I was saying. I wish he'd step up more. I wish he'd sacrifice his relaxation time for spending more hands-on time with Kaia and myself. I wish we'd talk more. All those things have gone to the wayside since he started working at this company. It makes me feel as though once the new baby comes I'll be completely alone.

Sure, if we move to Hawaii it'll be a great help to have so much of his family nearby that can lend me a hand if I really need it...but it's still not the same as my teammate, partner, best friend being the one going through it with me. Lately, I feel like we're two islands. I know there is a lot that he takes care of and doesn't tell me about. There is a lot of things I take care of and don't tell him about. This has left us both feeling somewhat unappreciated and as if we're the ones bearing the bulk of the load. With all the uncertainty lately, I think we're both starting to feel the weight of it. It's left us both mentally and physically spent. I don't know.

My heart aches to think that we're not as happy as I'd like us to be. It breaks my heart to not understand each other as well as before. I want us to be more in tune with each other. I just feel like we're so disjointed lately; him doing his thing, me doing mine. It is my fault for having these expectations of him. I guess I look at his dad and see how involved he is in shepherding them and spending time with them that I thought he would be the same or maybe even better when it came to his own children. There's also fear that if he's getting burnt out now and not able to help out with the basic things, how much worse are things going to get once the second one comes along...? It's my own fears and own selfishness, I know. I wish I could shake it. I've tried many times. I've quietly tended to Kaia and the household things without saying a word of complaint or even requests. I know I wasn't always doing it with the right heart, which is why it's built up inside my heart to the point where I just couldn't hold it in any longer. Sigh~

I am a sinner. I have so many evil thoughts. I have so little that is good in me. I see that more and more throughout this pregnancy. I thought since my first pregnancy was so amazing I would enjoy this one just as much and everything would be fine. I didn't stop to consider the fact that I have a fully active and growing toddler to take care of this time around. It's not just taking care of myself and the pregnancy, but I have to do what I usually do in the midst of that. I overlooked the fact that our circumstances this time around is a lot different than the one we were in when I was first pregnant. We had very little to take care. We just had our little one bedroom apartment mortgage payment, car payments, and hospital bills to handle. Nothing else was really changing in our lives and we were very content and stable. This time around, we dealt with a lay-off, health issues, possible serious issues with the baby/pregnancy, Nathan adjusting to a new schedule/workload at a new job, waiting on job offers from Hawaii, etc. It's just been so much chaos and I am really starting to feel it. I find myself crying a lot more lately. I just need to in order to get something out. I don't talk to Nathan about it most of the time because he seems tired or busy when he is home with us. I don't want to bother my friends with it because they seem to have quite a bit of things on their plates as well. I don't tell my parents the bulk of it since they'll just get really worried. So, I just pray and blog and journal and cry...

I really need to breathe. I can see myself really harming this baby by being so full of stress, tension, and anxiety lately. I feel that much more exhausted at the end of the day because I feel as though I've been thinking about all these things non-stop. I need to clear my mind. I need to rely on Him more and find rest in His truth. I don't remember the last time Nathan and I had a date night. I don't remember the last time I went out with the girls for a girls night out. I don't remember the last time I went out by myself to do something just for myself. It's always about Nathan or Kaia. It's always about what's best for my family. As much as I love and adore them, and truly enjoy being a mom, I'm starting to think I need to make sure that I find times to reboot. I feel like a computer that's been on for months without being turned off or restarted. I just feel so burnt out. I know others out there have it way worse than I do, and I shouldn't complain...but I am...and I do feel these things...I just hope that I can acknowledge my needs and weaknesses and work on them so that I will be the best I can be for my family and loved ones. Shutting down...

Waiting on the Lord

2010-06-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Jason Mraz's "Beautiful Mess"

He is my deliverer. I know that in the midst of various trials that may tempt me to crumble and lose hope, God sustains me and allows me to have the patience and perseverance to wait on Him expectantly with confidence in His character and promises. He will bring resolution to this and all the other trials in my life. I pray that I would be able to continue to wait on Him, joyfully. I know that God is working so greatly in and through my life right now. I see more clearly who He is. I am able to sense His presence in my every day life a bit more lately. I wouldn't trade all these trials and hardships. I know that He is drawing me closer to Christ. Even if things get worse, I know that somehow He'll pull me through the sludge...

I look at Kaia...my growing belly ("Tiny Bean")...and I realize that God has blessed me with two lives that will depend on me to show them what life is about...how to react to certain situations...how to relate to people...how to show love...how to live out this life...that gives me enough motivation and strength to hold my head up high and praise God for whatever He may throw our way.

To be honest, there are moments, days even, when I just find myself breaking down in tears whenever Kaia is taking her nap or not watching because it gets a bit overwhelming at times, but then I find myself before the Lord, completely surrendering it all into His hands. Lately, not a whole lot surprises me. When Nathan comes home to tell me another piece of news that might change the course of our lives, I almost have to laugh out loud because it just never seems to end. It is a true illustration of how we have no control over our lives. We can plan everything out the way we see fit, and even come so close to getting it all the way you want...then, things start unraveling because it's not what is God's will for your life. I have learned in these past handful of months that I just need to hold onto my plans very loosely.

The thing that has been taking up a huge portion of my thought life lately is the great possibility of moving to Hawaii, and how God will end up using us over there if He does indeed lead our family out there.

There is a great part of Nathan that is extremely excited because it would mean going back to his hometown, his childhood memories. It would mean being able to see his parents, brother, and extended family very regularly. It would mean going back to the lifestyle that he grew up in. Most of all, it would mean working primarily from home, allowing him to see his children grow up instead of only the couple of hours he gets during the week before they go to bed now.

For me, it's a mixed bag of emotions. There's a huge part of me that is so fearful as to how I'll adjust to the island life. I have visited many times...but visiting/vacationing is completely different from making a life somewhere. Also, I'm a city girl. I grew up in San Francisco for most of my life. Lived in Los Angeles for a handful of years. Lived in San Diego for college and for the past four years that I've been married. I think San Diego is too slow at times. Oahu would be exponentially so. I don't know if other women/moms will accept me there. I don't know if I'll be able to handle the extremely warm and humid weather year round. We know of a church plant there that recently started up, and from what we read on their website it sounds quite solid, but who knows what they truly believe and teach. It's just so uncertain, life on the islands. On top of all the daily things we'll encounter, I will be so far from my closest friends and family. The time difference, the need to make a flight out to see each other...all of it, will make me feel that much more distant from them than I already do here in San Diego.

At the same time, we'll have tons of Nathan's family to babysit Kaia if and when we need that extra help. We might actually be able to have what people call "date nights." Kaia [and her little sister] will have people consistently and constantly in her life. We'll have community, something I've been craving so badly ever since moving out to San Diego. We'll have tons of outdoor things to do, and the weather will give us that freedom to just pick up and go outside whenever we feel the desire to.

So, I am left with this excitement and great fear as to what will come of all of this. Will God keep us here in San Diego for a while longer? Will He send us to Hawaii to start anew? I don't know. I'll just have to wait on the Lord and see how He allows this all to unfold in the coming weeks.

Endless chatter

2010-06-14T23:09:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing"

Too much going on in my head and with my body lately...

Too many things left up in the air...

Too many things to wait for...our living situation...our location...our baby's health...

Some days, it feels as though I may just drown from all the chaos going on around me. It's almost as if there is this never-ending chatter surrounding my mind. I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and pray...keep praying...

My darling "Tiny Bean"...Mommy is sorry for not being able to give you the peace, stress-free, tranquil, stable pregnancy I was able to provide for your sister...it kills me to think that you are already getting the short end of the stick in many ways. I just pray that somehow you'll know without a doubt that you are loved just as much as your sister was by me. I feel you kicking and moving around in there lately, and it makes me stop for a moment and push aside all the negativity, tension, and uncertainty and just enjoy our moments together...I feel you...I love you...my darling little soldier. You aren't even born yet, and you've already been through so much. I pray that God will continue to allow you to develop and grow nice and strong in there. I'll keep doing the best I can to make sure that I do my part as well. Mommy is praying for you every day, and will never stop praying for you until the Lord calls me home.

The need to weep

2010-06-06T14:10:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Pete Yorn's "Just Another"

Today, our pastor gave his last sermon before heading off to San Jose to plant a church. It was very heartfelt, moving, and emotional. He laughed. He cried. He shared his shortcomings, regrets, praises, gratitude, hopes, and fears. It was all too humbling to see him up there, laying it all out for us, his congregation. His church family.

He shared about how he has wept so greatly for and because of people in the church. I have encountered countless people that have been against this church (LBC) and left because of it. It is very discouraging and heartbreaking to see. I, too, used to be one of those people. When I first got married, I was so embittered toward what I felt this church stood for. I felt as though it was so legalistic, judgmental, and "fake." I realized [after much prayer, encouragement and rebukes from Nathan, and laying myself before the Lord] that it was more my heart than the church itself. No church in this world is perfect. There is always going to be room for much improvement. There is always going to be something that you may not agree with. In the midst of this, you have to ask yourself if those things that are rubbing you the wrong way is a sin issue on their part...or a sin issue on your part?

No one likes to feel judged or as though they're doing something wrong, something sinful. We react either by falling on our knees, weeping out to the Lord, asking forgiveness from Him and those that we have offended and hurt, looking for ways to reconcile yourself to the Lord and loved ones...or, you let your pride get the best of you and retaliate by slandering against those people that may have put you in that position of looking at your sins and selfishness, fleeing from that situation. Honestly, I was one that wanted to flee. I wanted to leave the church. I told Nathan that I would move anywhere and go to any other church, as long as we left LBC. Nathan, my God-fearing, loving husband told me over and over again that he would gladly leave if it were for the right reasons and with the right heart, but he knew that I was not walking right with the Lord. He knew that my motives for wanting to leave the church were completely self-centered and self-serving. He told me that if we left with my heart so hardened and embittered, I would just end up going to other churches with the same attitude, reaping the same outcome. He wanted me to be right with the Lord and the church family before moving on to another. I remember being so frustrated and angry with him for pointing out my faults and calling me out on my issues. I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to just be told that I was right and the church really was at fault for my discontentment and misery.

The truth was, it was my heart that needed changing, not the church. Slowly, as Nathan as my encouragement and God as my guide, I started to slowly change in my heart. I started to see that the church and the people in it were not there to serve me. That was not the purpose. They were there to serve the Lord, and if that ended up meaning that they served me, great! If not, it was never about me in the first place so no need to fret, right? I started to see that I was always seeking for people to reach out to me and meet me on my level. I wasn't willing to go out of my way or put myself in any inconvenience or discomfort to reach out to others. As God revealed these truths to me, my heart started to soften. I began to see the true goodness in people. I started to see the genuine hearts behind many of the members of the church. I started to look for the good things instead of dwelling on what didn't seem to fit my needs or desires. I turned away from my own reflection and looked out onto those around me. God broke me over and over again over the past few years. I'm still a major work in progress, but I have come to the other side, feeling such grief as I watch others go through what I went through a handful of years ago.

It's odd to think that we call ourselves believers of Christ, brothers and sisters bonded by the blood of our Lord...yet, once someone leaves a church, especially under unfortunate circumstances, it seems that the mere association with what they left leaves a bad taste in their mouth. In the past, I have grown distant with those that I once called my brothers and sisters because I chose to stay at LBC and they didn't. Maybe they saw it as some sort of loyalty/betrayal issue just by not choosing to do the same as they did. I'm not sure. I have wept quite a bit for people that have let the world's views on life penetrate their view of the gospel. Yes, much of Scripture is hard to swallow in this age of convenience, self-promotion, and "doing it all." That doesn't change God's standard for His children. That doesn't change the nature and character of God and His commands. That doesn't change the fact that we are called to be "set apart" and "the light of the world." I'm not saying I do any of this well. I have so much to learn and grow in myself...but now, I'm willing and open. That is what has changed about me over the years.

Having parents who are unsaved, and a dear cousin that used to be a devoted child of God, only to turn away from all that he had been taught, amongst many others in my life that do not see the truth, brings me to tears. I weep. I sob. I cry out to the Lord for their souls. I wonder what life would be like without the hope of Christ, especially as an adult with so many responsibilities, big decisions to make, heartaches, and devastating life events. I especially think about my own mom...she has had a very hard and grueling life. Yes, she had pockets of joy, but a lot of it was ridden with uncertainty, extremely heavy burdens, life-altering situations, outright betrayals from people she believed were her good friends, mockery, physical trials, and the list goes on...and all she had to rely on for any hope was herself. She still looks to herself for wisdom of any kind, which is why she is always desperately reading any and everything she could get her hands on about health and living a long, healthy life. Her "god", I suppose, is her health. She puts so much time, energy, hope, and passion into it. Nonetheless, she is aging and her body is failing her in many ways despite her great efforts to interfere. Every time I think of the heavy burden she has laid upon herself her entire life, with no sign of relief or certainty, it brings me to tears. I don't think I could live that way. I need the Lord. I need Him to find rest and peace in the midst of the chaos going on in my life and my head. I need Him to draw me back to the truth to remind me of eternity, not what is in front of me this day. I need His wisdom to make the small and big decisions in my life. All else is empty and unstable. I mourn for my parents', especially my mom's, soul constantly...

Weeping. It seems like something weak people do. I used to think that it made me a weaker person, especially to those around me, if I broke down in tears. I hid my deepest feelings and plastered a smile onto my face to try and mask what was beneath. Over time, I have come to see that weeping out of compassion for others, grief for hardened hearts, sorrow for broken bonds and sins not repented of, reveals a heart that is in the image of Christ. He grieved for lost souls. He grieved for ailing loved ones. He grieves for us now. That is not weakness. That is love. That is a deep understanding of what is at stake. That is a heart that truly understands the depravity of man and the need for God's saving grace...So now, I weep freely for situations and people. If we were to weep for one another more, I think we would be better off than we are now, boxed in our own worlds and only caring for what directly affects us. I praise God for pastors. I praise God for the truth being taught. I praise Him for allowing me to be a part of a church that so loves the Lord and His commands.

Completely helpless...

2010-06-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Fee's "Lift High"

My hands are tied. There's nothing that I can do. Nothing I can do for her, my "Tiny Bean." As happy as I was to find out that we were having another sweet little girl, we found out other things as well that put a bit of a dark cloud over my head. The genetic counselor said that if there were something wrong with the heart, she would most likely die minutes, hours, days after being born. Unfortunately, during the ultrasound they said that they found a bright spot in her heart. Thankfully, at least the nuchal fold is in a normal range now. They won't be sure about if it was accurate and/or what the bright spot in her heart means when it comes to her health until a few more weeks since she's way too small to determine right now.

Ever since we found out there might be a possibility for Down Syndrome, other chromosomal abnormalitie, and now major congenital heart problems, my heart has been heavily burdened. At the same time, most days I'm able to think positively and lift it all up to the Lord. Yesterday was not one of those days. After our appointment, I was supposed to take a nap since I usually take one while Kaia is taking hers, but I just ended up lying in bed thinking about it and crying endlessly. Once Nathan got home, I was short with him and couldn't seem to shake anything off. After putting Kaia down for the night, I had to apologize to him for my attitude. He said he understood...but he didn't. I told him what I had been thinking about all day ever since I got home...not only the possibility that our child may have Down Syndrome and lead a more challenging life than her sister and most other people...but that there's now a possibility that our darling little one may only live minutes, hours, days after she is born...I can't bear the thought of finally meeting her, only to lose her a short while after. I can't...I don't know how I'd go on. I don't know how my heart would keep beating. I don't know how I would find strength to face each day without her in it. I don't know if I could have any more children after if that were to happen. As I told Nathan all my fears, I just broke down...absolutely broken in front of him and God...

I am her mother. Even though she's not born yet, in my heart she is already my daughter and I her mother. So, not being able to do anything to help her...nothing I eat, nothing I do or don't do, will change her chromosomes...I'm her mom...I should be able to make things better...I feel so utterly useless and helpless in this...I knew I was never in control of my life, but this is the first time I feel completely and utterly at a loss for what to do next...all I can get myself to do is pray, hard and ceaselessly...

The thing that puts so much fear and worry into my heart is that no matter how many ultrasounds we have, there's no way of knowing for certain what problems she will have unless we take an invasive test. We're against that since there is a chance, a very small one but still a chance, that there could be complications during/after the procedure, one being miscarriage. We're keeping our little girl no matter what, so terminating this pregnancy is not an option, so we don't want to do anything that could pose any danger to her life. So, that means that we're going to have to wait until she is born to really know what is going on with her...that means, they might find that she seems normal on the ultrasounds all the way until birth, but she could still be born having complications an maybe even dying...

As much as I want to go in there and help her...to somehow change her chromosomes if there is truly something wrong with them...I know I can't. All I can do is fall on my face, lifting up my fears and broken heart to the Lord. He heals. He works miracles. He brings upon peace. No one else can. I know that. I need to cling to Him more than ever.

Lord, please watch over your weak child. I am so broken...my heart feels like it's beating slower...your gift to me, my little girl inside, may not be in our lives for very long...only You know these things...whether she's in our lives until the day you call us home, or only for a short while, please help me see Your will for us in and through that time...on my own, I know I wouldn't be able to survive a day if something were to happen to her...but, I have full faith that You will keep me afloat...that you will give me the impossible strength to get back up and face your plan for my life...Lord, I am so scared...every time I think about it, my eyes fill up with tears...I know she's a gift that You have graciously given to us...she is not mine, not ours, to keep...so, please, help me to embrace whatever amount of time I get to have with her...a minute...an hour...a day...a month...a year...a lifetime...whatever You may give us, I am so incredibly grateful...

What are you having?

2010-06-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Adele's "First Love"

I didn't know until today. We went to the perinatologist again and got to see an ultrasound of our little one growing inside, our "Tiny Bean." They asked if we had already found out or wanted to find out what we were having--a boy or girl. I excitedly said, "Yes, PLEASE!" She took some measurements and looked at my uterus to make sure everything was healthy and doing well. Soon after, she saw something and said, "It's a girl!" I couldn't help but smile from ear-to-ear. I know Nathan really wanted a boy, and I was fully convinced it was a boy until today, but we were both so happy. I was probably much more thrilled by the news than Nathan was. All I could think about was how Kaia would have the chance to grow up with a sister that she's close to like my sister and I. My hope was that I would have two of the same gender back-t0-back since Nathan and his brother are close in age and are really close, as am I with my sister, so it was just my wish. I can't believe it's going to come true. God is so good! In the midst of all the "bad" news and chaos of these past few months, it's such wonderful news. They did find a spot in her heart that they're concerned about because it indicates a possibility of Down Syndrome, so I have to come back in a few weeks to examine it again when the baby is bigger and they're able to get a more accurate view/picture of what's going on with the heart. Nonetheless, God is good and I am getting more and more excited to meet our little one. Sigh~ I never knew I would be so in love with being pregnant, giving birth, and having children. Who knew? I was never into babies much. Sure, I thought they were cute but I never cared much to hold them or bond with them. I was more a puppy/dog person. Now, I can't pass a baby without sighing and feeling overcome with adoration. God really does know how to soften the heart and change us in radical ways.

Girls, girls, girls! That's all I really know, I guess, but they're truly so awesome. Kaia wants to kiss and hug all the time, which I don't see much from boys. She does cute little girly things that makes my heart melt. She takes care of her dolls as if they were her babies. She tucks them in and pats them on the back while holding them to her shoulder/chest, just like I used to do to her since she was born. She likes to pick out such colorful, funky outfit combinations and dance around in her tutu. You wouldn't get that with a boy from what I've seen and heard of from other moms. I love having a girl and can't believe I get to have the wonderful honor to raise another one. Sigh~ My heart is leaping and swelling with joy. I feel her moving around and kicking inside as I blog about her.

Can't wait to meet you, my "Tiny Bean"...you are already such a source of love and joy to me. You will have a fun and loving big sister to be by your side starting from the moment you get here. I am praying for your continual growth and health. I'll do my part the best I can from outside here. See you in a handful of months. I love you...Your Mommy...